for wanting a joint account?

[Xfirefly]

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

It's got nothing to do with who earns more or less. If mum is staying off then it makes sense to subtract childcare costs from her salary. If it's the man who is staying off then use his salary instead for calculations.

I'm just trying to point out that it's illogical to subtract off each person and fool yourselves into thinking it's worth working when it may not be.

"It's got nothing to do with who earns more or less. "

Of course it does.

It's often the case the women feel they have no option but to give up work as the lower-earning partner because they can't earn more than they cost to the family of childcare.

Where they are the higher earner, that pressure is far less likely to be brought to bear.

In reality, childcare is a joint family cost, and nobody should be put under pressure to stop working, particularly when they are not married.

The trouble is, now that you are SAHP, there is a BIG problem simply with the perception that 'he lets you have full access to his money' - IT NOW ISN'T ACTUALLY HIS MONEY, IT IS YOURS TOO.

That's the deal you've made - your are operating as a family, one person is taking on the job of bringing in paper money, the other taking on the domestic and childcare tasks. It is arguable which of these is the 'bigger' contribution in terms of paper money - but if you look at hours worked - it's almost always the one at home contributing more to 'Operation Family'.

So it has all changed. He has no right now to dictate that the paper money will stay in an account under his control, because it actually no longer belongs solely to him. Similarly, you don't have the right to now inform him that because you are the one doing the childcare, you will be deciding on bedtimes, schools chosen, etc., and that he actually has e.g. no right to have input on discipline etc. You may be the one actually doing it, but you're a family, and so he is essentially equal even if he's not taking on those tasks. So - the family money - you are equal, even if you're not actually taking on those tasks.

It can't operate any other way. So - the argument is, how will you both find an agreeable compromise on where your joint money is lodged and how it is funneled to where it needs to get to?

What seems to work best for most EQUAL, MATURE, EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT couples (:) ) is a joint account where all the family cash goes. All bills, mortgage etc. come out of this first. An amount for 'housekeeping' - food etc., stuff that can't be predicted to the penny each month - is set aside, maybe to a second account - you'd be the one using this card day to day to shop, etc. Another account set into savings account, if you're lucky enough to be able to! Then, the remainder is split equally between you to your personal accounts for fun spending that isn't really any of the other one's business, and from which you can argue quite happily over who gets to pay for that takeaway when the other one would be happy with toast, or pay for cinema tickets when the other one thinks it's a waste of money, etc. Small stuff.

Now - maybe you should show him the above and ask him what his problem is with having a logical, thorough, and EQUITABLE system such as that. And if it's 'me workmates think it's rubbish' - then ask him to look at the quality of relationships those workmates have, and whether that's what he aspires to.

Tip: if you don't get an immediately positive and thoughtful response from him, tell him you'll be going back to work and he needs to start thinking about his share of the childcare costs, an ironing service and a cleaner. Because the one sure thing is, YOU are the one taking a far bigger risk being the SAHP rather than the one being 'forced' into a joint account.

We don't have a joint account. Dh transfers money over to my account on a regular basis. It's then mine to spend/save/invest without consulting him and I deal with all household bills.

It really doesn't matter whether you have a joint account or your own accounts but what is important is that you both have the same level of financial control over whatever money is coming into your household. Nobody should need to ask a partner for money to cover household essentials. If he wont agree to a joint account then he must transfer money into your own account

BTW why does he need to seek his colleagues advice on something as personal as your household finances? It's not usually the topic of conversation in my workplace

Clearly DH and I are not EQUAL, MATURE or EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT!!

I think being MATURE is actually over-rated

TalkativeJim is speaking through their arse on that point. God I hate people who think that their way is the only proper way to do things. The important thing is equal access to household money whatever the preferred system may be

Well apologies to both - yes I can see what you mean, of course it's the access which is the important thing. However - having seen, oooh, I don't know - about thirty billionteen threads on Relationships where big balls Mr. Paypacket has an affair and the first thing his distraught SAHM wife says is - I have no access to finances, he hasn't transferred this month's into my account and of course he's not going to now - oh and has he actually paid the mortgage? - I don't know, it all comes out of an account in his name - I actually think that the mere fact that the family money comes straight into an account in BOTH names and not into HIS account (or hers) first could be quite important.

Having said that, of course cheaty-balls could easily immediately tell HR to put it in this account instead. So maybe it's all academic, and the important thing is that no partner ever be a SAHP ever.

I don't think MATURE is overrated though. I find one can be SILLY, STUPID, RISK-TAKEY, FUN, etc. etc. and still be MATURE. Maybe it means different things to different people?

Maybe that's it. Just be sure of your partner before you become a SAHP. Make sure they're the right kind of MATURE (ie lovely and fair and feminist and honest) and not the wrong kind of MATURE (ie evil and bad).

How's that bakingaddict, can you still smell the pungeny of my steaming ringpiece there or is it a bit more along the lines of the fragrant cupcakes you pop from every orifice at the rate of ten a minute, every minute (as per your nn?)

pungency, sorry my sphincter is working so hard there it simply can't keep up with my dictation

My husband and I have never argued about money, together for 27 years this month and married for 23

We have always pooled all our money and now I don't have any as a SAHM (I earn £105 per month!!!!) I just take all his, mwah ha ha!!

Let him know that, I'm sure it will be fine after that because he obviously takes advice from his work colleagues. So advice from a random, anonymous mumsnetter should be enough to convince him

Joking apart, if you are going to stay at home you really need to be comfortable with the finances. It doesn't sound good to me to be honest

We've been married for getting on for 29 years. We have always had our own accounts AND a joint account. I've always worked and never had children and we are married, so some differences I know.
We put the same proportion (ie a %-age) of each of our salaries into the joint account each month to cover household expenses. We have a joint credit card (for food, fuel, meals out, household improvements etc.) which is paid out of this account.

We then have our own disposable income for own shopping. Personally, I wouldn't be keen on relying on someone else to provide me with money for my clothes, personal toiletries/make-up etc. Presumably you have some income of your own? (Maternity pay?)
Could you work out how much the household needs a month and arrange for you and your boyfriend to transfer an identical percentage (not amount) into a joint account?
The one thing we have always agreed not to argue about is money, because in the end, that's all it is.

What seems to work best for most EQUAL, MATURE, EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT couples ( ) is a joint account where all the family cash goes.

Whether there is a joint account or not is irrelevant. A couple can have a joint account but one person takes all of the money out as soon as it comes in or one person creates arguments when the other person buys a loaf of bread. Having separate accounts doesn't make people less mature or emotionally intelligent or make the relationship less equal. Having mature and fair attitudes towards how money is shared is what makes it equal, mature and emotionally intelligent.
Personally, I like having separate accounts but splitting any monthly surplus cash between us to spend how we see fit. That way, if my husband wants to buy me a gift he can buy it from his money and not from shared money (which effectively means I am paying for half of my own gift). If I want to buy shoes with my spending money than that is my prerogative. If my husband wants to buy gadgets then he can go ahead and so so without any guilt.
Some people prefer to have just one joint account and no separate finances and that's fine too if it works for them.

Dh and I have a joint account. We pay a specific amount into it for all outgoings and leave an allowance in our personal accounts. This works well for us. We can see where our money is being spent.

I also know couples who do not have a joint account. Instead, they are responsible for paying specific bills each month.

DP and I do not have a joint account (he won't, and I used to have one with an ex who decided to clear the whole thing out the moment we broke up leaving me to borrow money from relatives for rent, bills etc!) but as he gets paid a lot more than I do, DP transfers a good portion into my account. This covers food shopping and spending money. The spending money aspect has only been a recent thing after I said that it wasn't fair that I had to go "bowl in hand" if I wanted money for something and it also wasn't fair that our individual spending money should be so different (I only work one day a week so earn a pittance. DP is earns upwards of £30k)

So OP if your DP won't get a joint account, ask him to transfer a certain amount each month into your account when he gets paid. Sit down and work out your food budget, everyday spending etc and ask for that amount.

I am a SAHM. DH and I have joint account from which we pay all the bills, we also have separate accounts with a little money to coffees, present, etc.
He pays most of his salary into the joint account, he keeps a couple of hundred. I control the house budget (have a great spreadsheet!).
He knows I am very careful with money so trusts me to manage the finances. No arguments, all fine.

again thank you all for your comments ! .

firstly regarding his workmates, he works shift and theyre all close. theyre always asking each other for advice and talking about everyday stuff (theyre like a bunch of women ). the thing is as he's one of the youngest they like to give him stupid life advice. he doesn't listen to it 80% of the time. a lot of them argue alot with their wives and like I said me and oh have never argued.

I don't see it as just because he won't do a joint account then he must be abusive etc I know he isn't, he hasn't done anything to hurt me in the 7 years we've been together and we v never had to discuss money issues until now seeing as wev both always worked. he always pays for things when we're out (meals out, cinema etc) and always asks if I need money because my wage isn't great. my maternity will stop in march. I've saved enough to pay off credit card. I'm going to have a sit down and chat now.

I think the concern is that once your Maternity Pay stops you aren't going to have any income of your own. Without a joint account you will only have money if either he gives it you or he gives you his card - and that's not right. It just seems so outdated and controlling. Why should you have to ask your partner for money or his card just so you can pay a bill or do some shopping?? It would scare me knowing that I had no access to any money of my own free will.

The money should be just as easily accessible to you as it is to him without you having to ask.

Tell him that you're going back to work, and that he has to pay half the childcare costs.

Let's see how quick he opens a joint account then?

If I were you I would be very wary of being a SAHM when you're not married to this man. The impression I'm getting is he's treating his salary as his. That's wrong as you're a family unit, and is wrong whether you are married or not. Unfortunately married SAHMs are on a far firmer footing.

Why should all child care costs be paid by you if you work? .

The reason for joint accounts is not because of trust etc but because the person with no access to funds can be screwed at a moments notice. Sure, it can happen with joint accounts too but is harder to do.

He could decide not to pay your allowance once month, not pay the mortgage, anything.

Tell him that you have always liked how you dont argue about money, and that you dont want to start now by being put in such a precarious and risky position based on the opinions of bitter old men.

we just had a chat. he really doesn't want a joint account . he said it's nothing to do with me but rather what happened to his mum (mum and dad had joint account, dad run up massive debts then died and mum spent the next 20 years paying it off). I understand his thinking. he said he'll go to the bank to see if I can be a named person on his account. he saying just because he doesn't want one doesn't mean he don't trust me its just something he feels strongly about. I feel better getting it off my chest. he said if I want something I get it. he then said when I go back to work we'll get a joint account for household bills and shopping. I agree now that this works best for us after talking it through.

thank you all again for your help. helped me word things so much better. he said after the chat ' you've been reading that mum site again havnt you ' haha

I fully accept that just because he doesn't want a joint account that doesn't make him abusive. However…

There is this common belief that if you've been with your partner for ages you get some marriage-like protection even if you're not married. IT'S NOT TRUE.

There are some very wise birds on this thread reminding you to secure your future. I'm sure you believe you'll be with OH forever, but things happen, and also if, god forbid he died, if you are not married and you have no proof of joint finances then in theory his family could walk off with everything. Sounds like his charming DM would give it a very good go.

Even if you don't get a joint account, now you are not earning you need to have a full and frank conversation about finances and wills and whatnot.

So has he agreed to transfer a set amount of money into your personal bank account every month?

Or are you still going to have to ask him for money when you need it?

If anything was to happen OP, you'll be up shit creek. You aren't married for a start. Don't put yourself in a situation where if anything happens you're left with nothing. I'm not saying it will and of course you don't expect it to! But be careful about what you're agreeing to.

My mum ended up a penniless single mum after my Dad sadly died. And they were married.

Why can't you have joint and separate accounts?