Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting a joint account?

182 replies

Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:33

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 10/12/2013 17:13

So basically he is saying "I do trust you, its just that I dont trust you".

Sorry but thats what it comes down to and would not be acceptable to me. He will only share an account with you when you are earning?! Whats wrong with having the household joint account now? And you having an amount paid into your account for personal money?

I hate to tell you this but it sounds like he immediately down graded your value and equality in this relationship when you agreed to give up your job. I would not be quitting my job under these circumstances, not at all.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 17:14

I agree with Bogey - do not give up work!! Do not become financially dependent on this man!

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 17:22

I don't understand why he is more comfortable for you to be a named person on his account than he is with a joint account.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 17:24

Why not just transfer an agreed amount to you?

OP, as you have a joint mortgage and were planning to get married anyway, why not go to the registry office and get wed. Have a party and a blessing or something at a later date.

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 17:25

yeah money will be sent to my account every month. yes we're not married but this is the plan from now. I can't force him he feels very strongly about it. its all to do with his mum. he said if we can afford I could have anything and if baby needs anything I just take it no questions asked and no need for receipts.

he said joint accounts work for some families. wev had a good chat and this is what it has come to. it was his idea for me to stay at home and like I said hes all for work. hopefully next year I'll be in part time work.

it must come across that he's a twat but honestly he's an amazing guy. Sad

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 17:34

Is there no way you could go back to work part time?

I'm expecting my first baby and even though I have the security of marriage and joint accounts there is no way I'm taking my foot of my career ladder. I will be reducing my hours to 22.5 a week and we will be paying for the child to be in childcare for this period.

Have you some to your employers about flexible hours or anything? Things might just feel a little bit more comfortable for you if you know that you still had some level of independence and weren't financially reliant on somebody else?

maddy68 · 10/12/2013 17:52

I agree. I would never have a joint account. How does anyone keep track of spending?
Never ever. Keep things seoarate

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 18:01

I can do what Im trained at at home (beauty/alternative therapies), so I'll always have the opportunity to hold in to my career. where I work now refuse flexible working hours. one girl had to leave because they wouldn't let her leave an hour early to pick up her child from the creche. they're not child friendly at all. out of 6 girls that went off for maternity last year only one returned Confused

I'm happy with the chat wev had now. he said there's going to be no withholding money, it's there when I need it.

yeah we could go to a registry office but we personally want it to be a big event seeing as wev been together so long.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 18:10

So will the amount he transfers mean that after bills, shopping etc are paid, you both have the same amount of "spending money" for yourselves?

(NB money spent on DD is in the bills category, not the spends category)

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 18:12

I'm glad you're feeling better about things - arguing about money is the worst thing in relationships, it used to really get me down when me and DH had disagreements about the best way to handle our finances etc.

It's good you are trained in something specific and you have your own skills etc, it will probably make it much easier for you to get back into the job market when the time comes! Smile

I'm sure everything will be fine and I'm glad you have both come to an arrangement that you are happy with.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 18:12

Also - left field idea - but could you job share with one of the women who left your work, either at your old place or a new one?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 18:14

Also - left field idea - but could you job share with one of the women who left your work, either at your old place or a new one?

Fairylea · 10/12/2013 18:14

It's easy to keep track of spending in a joint account- you just have to set an agreed spending amount each (for example after bills and groceries and a set amount for savings, dh and I know we can each spend £200) so we transfer £400 to a joint spending account and we know we can spend £200 each. If we go out together somewhere then we spend from the account and split (mentally) whatever is left again and half of tthat is our spending. It works for us.

However, I was previously married to a complete arse who used to constantly moan we never had any money and accused me of spending too much on food (if I didn't buy literally value everything he would go mad) and at the same time he would go and spend £100 on some limited edition star trek model or something on credit. It was ridiculous.

In order to live in financial harmony with someone with a joint account you both have to have similar spending habits and trust each other I think.

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 18:16

Sorry to keep posting but you mentioned you has credit cards to pay off - as a partnership if DP can pay these off and save interest, that is more efficient.

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 18:19

she's managed to get a job 2 minutes from the creche so she's much happier now Smile

yeah I'm lucky that I'm trained in something like this. I do have a couple of clients once a month and that puts petrol in my car. I can up the clients in the coming months hopefully.

the money he will transfer will be for bills and a bit more for me. he said to just transfer money from his account to mine online as and when I need it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 18:21

the credit card will be paid off in January Smile he took bills off me in order to pay it off when I went on maternity.

OP posts:
TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 18:23

If you are logging onto his account as him, he's trusting you a lot more than he would be putting a set amount into a joint account!

youretoastmildred · 10/12/2013 18:26

There are a million different ways to sort out household finances with a SAHP in the picture. However, people who don't listen to their DP's ideas in favour of "people at work" who peddle Andy Capp style nonsense about "the missus" aren't likely to come up with them off their own bat.

Chewbecca · 10/12/2013 18:31

You've got to stop accessing his bank account! He is breaking the t&c of the account.

He must change his passwords and keep them secret, you could be liable for such a big bill if he does not. Just recently my Amex card details were taken. They called me and asked me to confirm the transactions in the previous week. All that were not mine were instantly refunded. If this happens to you, nothing will be refunded.

attheendoftheday · 10/12/2013 18:31

I like joint accounts. If your dp doesn't want one he could transfer half his pay every month to you instead? Be careful to make sure your house is in joint names as well.

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 18:47

I don't go on his account without him knowing BTW. he knows Smile

I know we shouldn't know each others bank details but we trust each other to do so.

the house is in both our names. wev also got insurance so that if he dies the house etc is all paid for (obviously a worry from what happened to his mum)

OP posts:
Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 18:50

I just think the world is mad...

He is invested in your future enough to you buy a house with you, get married to you and have a child with you.....but God Forbid he makes the extreme commitment of a Joint Account Grin

Men can be very strange creatures at times Smile

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/12/2013 18:55

The 'law of mathematics' isn't just about the money in the pre-school years. In our house was that I was going back to work for our family's long term financial future. (and because there's no way I was being financially dependent on someone else after working all my adult life and supporting myself long before dp came along).

If I had stopped completely to be sahm when the children were small, I would not have had the foot still in the door to go back to more hours and a better job when they started school. As someone else said, I protected my pension, had career progression etc. Why should the man get all that to my detriment just because I was the one giving birth?

Therefore, to keep the finances of the whole family better in the long run, childcare was a joint expense in this house. There is no way on earth I would have become financially dependent on anyone, no matter how much he earns (not much more than me in our case). It was not ME working for nothing, it was US taking a financial hit for a few years so that the whole family is far better off in the long run.

You never 'work for nothing' but sometimes you might have to work to stand still for a while.

I think its a very short term view to base a financial future on an expense that will last for 4 years per child, out of a whole working life.

If other people feel that they can afford to become sahm for a while because the other partner earns enough to keep them all, then that's fine. But I never even considered it as an option.

OP if you are not married you need to keep some financial independence.

attheendoftheday · 10/12/2013 19:09

Transferring money as and when sounds like madness. That would create a huge power imbalance!

If you trust each other, I really can't see an objection to a joint account. How about if you had a joint account that all pay, child benefit etc goes into, all bill cone out of, and then an equal amount of spending money goes into your personal accounts to di with as you see fit?

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 19:09

What Chewbacca said.

But it doesn't make any sense that he trusts you with that but not a joint account.