for wanting a joint account?

[Xfirefly]

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

wow a lot more posts since I went off to make biscuits

I do find it funny that he'll buy a house with me, marry me and have a baby with me but not a joint account. I say that to him and he says they're bigger commitments than a joint account so surely I should see that we don't need one. I will stress that I will be back to work within a year ..this isn't a ten year thing. we were finding childcare costs huge because DD would still be a baby and they would charge more. like I said I'll also be able to earn money from home so I will be getting a little income.

even though we put work first before being a sahp I was feeling guilty leaving DD in nursery so young. I wanted it to be at least a year. had to take maternity leave early.

it isn't possible for him to have flexible working hours. he works a set shift , no working around it, but it works that he has quite a few days off which will help when I do work or have clients at home.

like I've said we have a great relationship, 100% trust, I can't think of one reason why he'd withheld money from me or suddenly turn into a dick after being nice for 7 years. he's too sensitive for all that, he's not the bullying type. he gets het up if he thinks I've upset him

xfirefly - I know you can't think of any reason why he would turn into a dick, but some men do. My sister and her (now ex) partner were together for 10 years and had two children. They didn't have a joint account. They both worked but he earned more than my sister. He paid for some stuff from his wage and she paid for others from hers. However, one day she broke down and admitted to me that her 'never going to be a dick' partner was having an affair, hadn't paid the nursery fees, hadn't paid the childminder and hadn't been giving her money to feed the children. Social Services had been called in and everything. She was left in the absolute financial sh*t with nothing to fall back on - she and the children then ended up living in one bedroom at a relatives house whilst he moved his new girlfriend (and her 4 children) into the house he had shared with my sister.

There is no reason to think your partner will be a dick but unfortunately crap does happen. Nobody thinks their partner will ever do the dirty on them or the children etc but they do.

Just be realistic and make sure you are protected.

norudeshit your point isn't relevant to the discussion here. The OP hasn't given a reason for not going back.other than child care costs make it not worth while if only.paid out of her wage.
Re joint accounts I've never had one and never wanted one, the idea horrifies me but I've always had my own income. My concern is other than a vague, "I'll give you money when it's needed" OP is going to ask for everything instead of either having access to a joint account or her own account where she gets (and I never thought I'd say this) her wage for running the home and funds to pay the food bills.

Writer is right. No one is saying it will happen but that you need to make sure you are protected if it does. None of us choose abusive people to have relationships with, and often having children is the watershed that can turn quirks into major issues (as you have found with the account thing).

Your house is very unlikely to burn down, but you still have insurance. Your partner is currently the equivalent of a man who smokes in bed. It doesnt mean that he will burn the house down but he is putting you at a greater risk of losing everything. You need to make sure you have insurance in place.

I know you must think we are all vile by mentioning abuse etc but we have seen it happen, some of us have been victims of it and we know how little things that are not big issues in themselves can gradually become major problems. Because it gets gradually worse, often over a period of years, you dont realise just how powerless you have become, like the posters mentioned above who realise that they cant leave a cheating partner as they have no income, no savings and no access to funds. As I say, not saying it WILL happen but that you would be well advised to be prepared and protected for all eventualities.

Again, best of luck OP, you've been told lots of things you probably didn't want to hear and have responded courteously to them.

He isn't married to you, though.

What we do is have a joint credit card. Most spending goes on that. We pay it off each month - a little out of mine (I work part-time) and the balance out of dps. He has most of direct debits and mortgage on his bank account, I have some direct debits on mine. I've found it useful to have at least one household bill that had my name on it for id purposes.

I am irrationally prejudiced about joint bank accounts - I've heard too many horror stories. In our relationship money has never been an issue, and I totally trust dp, but I am still prejudiced and want to keep my own account!

I do think we are lucky, in that we never argue about money. Occasionally things get tight, and we both spend less. When things were really tight (when I was on maternity leave), we sat down and discussed how to cut back, and what we would do, and we trusted each other to not overspend, and that was what happened.

He hasn't married you.

well I can't come on aibu expecting it all to be nicey nice I came here for the straight to the point comments and I can't thank you all enough. I've seen a lot of the threads and I hope that I'd never be in that situation. I'm only going to be dependant in the short term. I think I'd go mad if I was home all the time. we have insurances in place in case he becomes ill or dies. I'm actually named as the beneficiary. he also has a policy through his work (work is high risk) that if he comes to harm the payout comes to me. I know someone mentioned that the mum excuse was poor but I dont feel that was. its hard to get him to open up about his family and he said earlier his mum was totally shat on by his dad and the debt was huge (had to sell house and live with grandparents for years) .

no , we are going to get married

OP - I'm not sure I understand what he's offered to do:

What's the difference between adding your name onto his account and a joint account? Or does he mean making you an additional cardholder on his credit card account?

Going to get married and being married are two different things.

You can't use his cards - it's illegal - I wouldn't use my dh cards even in emergency. How are you planning to pay for stuff? Joint account or he transfers set amount to your account.

If you not married think you mad to give up work but that just me...

In your shoes OP I do think I'd want the security of a joint account because you are both going to be, by agreement, living off his income for a period and you should have equal access to it.

In terms of practicalities though, if this isn't a deal breaker for you (and it doesn't sound as though it is) I'd be asking for a SO into my own account of a reasonable amount each month so you're never stuck for cash and a second credit card.

I work so don't have any issues with my own money, but our set up is that I pay all of the bills except for a proportion of the childcare (husband gets vouchers) and his car. But the vast bulk of our spending goes on an Amex card in his name (I'm a secondary card holder) and he pays that off in full every month.

The bills being paid from my account has always been the set up for us (I forget why now) and I generally earn more than him (his pay fluctuates) so works well for us. When he earned more than me, he would pay a set amount into my account to cover our main outgoings and ensure that I had some spare cash.

We've always taken a 'what's mine is ours' approach to money from the day we moved in together but never really felt the need for a joint account because we've never (apart from briefly when I was on mat leave) had one sole income. But I don't think YABU in your circumstances.

Xfirefly have you sorted out what you are going to do? As several people have said using his cards and pin can't go on. If either of you lose the card or it's cloned the bank will not be in the least bit sympathetic if it's used fraudulently.

I hope it all works out, as I said you've been taking all of this with good grace and I hope it's been of some help.

Xfirefly have you sorted out what you are going to do? As several people have said using his cards and pin can't go on. If either of you lose the card or it's cloned the bank will not be in the least bit sympathetic if it's used fraudulently.

I hope it all works out, as I said you've been taking all of this with good grace and I hope it's been of some help.

You can't use his cards - it's illegal

Wrong. Against the T&Cs of the account, yes. But not illegal if he gives his permission.

And using his card is not fraud if he agrees to it, however if the bank suspect that he gave his PIN and card to the OP (for example he says "That transaction isnt mine, I was out of the country, I can prove it" and then for the next transaction 1 hour later "oh yes, that was me, thats fine") then they can refuse to repay any money stolen on the basis that he told someone else his PIN. THe banks know this happens, everyone I know knows their partners PIN, but they use this as a way to limit their liability in the case of card cloning etc.

It's actually quite scary that some people think a joint account equals protection and security. If you think there's any chance your OH could turn into an arsehole, you need your own account with a decent bit of cash in it, that they can't access. A joint account leaves you very vulnerable, especially if you have no savings of your own. Your OH could just as easily stop paying into a joint account as stop transferring money to a separate account, but with a joint account you then have the added risks of them running up debts/overdrafts that you're liable for.

If your DP is happy to transfer over a suitable amount of money each pay day (or whenever suits eg. fortnightly, monthly), which you say he's happily agreed to, then in your situation that actually gives you more protection, because it will then be your money in your account, nothing to do with him, whereas if it's in a joint account he can spend it all himself, take it all out again etc.

I do find it odd that people are slating the DP here for not trusting the OP with a joint account, but at the same time advising her not to trust him to share family money. If it's perfectly reasonable for her to think about what happens if he turns out to be a dickhead, then it's also perfectly reasonable for him to keep in mind the same worst case scenarios.

I haven't read all replies so apologies if I'm repeating someone else up thread.

Why don't you both make a trip to the bank and open a new joint account. Then both of you can use whatever is in that account.

Maybe transfer the child benefit in there on a direct debit, and then your partner can put in there whatever he feels comfortable with, changing it whenever he fancies. He'll soon see that you don't intend to bleed him dry, and that you don't argue over finances and hopefully will relax a bit better.

I don't like his mistrust in you though, it does seem a bit old fashioned and controlling to treat you like this. And I certainly wouldn't use his card either. I'd want to ask him if there is any difference between having you use his card or opening up a separate new joint account? Surely giving you his card leaves him (his current account) more wide open than opening a new joint account with you.

My DH trusts me with our joint account, although we both have other separate accounts as well and I do have a (lesser) income myself. That suits me perfectly well as I rarely dip into his account. So much so that he complains he doesn't pay for his own children! I can't imagine him treating me like I was going to fleece him. I hope you are going to be treated with the financial trust you deserve.

KMC1111 exactly right.

As far as having a joint account offering protection, that's bull! If there's a problem and you have a joint account then what's to stop your partner emptying your joint account if all your money? You'll actually have nothing to leave with if that happens! If you had your own account with a regular standing order of your share of the household income going in then that is protected and the most you can lose is one months money.

If my marriage faltered, the fact that the bills are in his name and come from an account in his name plays into my hands as if he defaults then he's the one defaulting and will have the consequences of that.

The ONLY problem in having separate accounts is if the standing order to the personal account isn't half of the disposable household income, in other words, what's left after household expenses.

We had separate accounts and then went for a joint account because transferring money was difficult, and to be honest it was a nightmare, led to lots of arguments and dh's spending became out of control. So after a very difficult conversation (dh was not at all pleased when I said I wanted out of the arrangement) now we have separate accounts with bills split equally between us and an agreed saving target each. It works for us.

Essentially the issue is that our attitudes to money are just too different. I like to hoard and then spend while dh likes to spend every day. Not a good combination for us as a partnership. We've found separate arrangements keeps us both fiscally responsible, and now instead of accumulating debt we have decent savings.

So many different ways to set things up. The important thing is to find an arrangement that works for both of you in both the short and longer term.

Sorry, op, but you seem incredibly naive. Take a look at some of the relationship threads on here and you'll see lots of women who are left with nothing after having been in your position. Statistically your relationship probably won't last ,there's a good chance you'll decide not to go back to work and 10 years down the line you'll be here lamenting you have no chance if getting a job to support you and dd and he's fucked off with another woman. I do agree a joint account won't give you security but a career or being married to him if you don't work will give you a better chance if this.

To all those who think having a joint account gives you security, again that's bullshit.

I've been reading through the relationships forum and having just read about a lady who's husband cleared them out if their savings and also put them in debt, it think you're all living in cloud cuckoo land if you think as a SAHM you are better protected from an unreliable partner by keeping a joint account rather than having separate accounts to bung in half the remaining income after joint expenses have been paid.

I can save, hubby can save. We can put savings into big household projects, we can save to fund our own projects. We don't need to be accountable to the other for money. There's no question of what's fair and what isn't and no need to scrutinise to find out. I like being financially independent and having my own account an separate money means I can be and answer to nobody.

Again, the only issue is if the partner earning more is under estimating what needs to be transferred or sees that transference as unfair and undervalues the role of the person who doesn't earn as much.

Wow, Hercules. Harsh.

OP, have you and DP got wedding plans yet?

I'm a SAHM. My DP has money issues (for valid reasons). Money is a security thing for him. Spending money used to frighten him even though he had (enough) money in the bank -savings- through working hard. Actually on the verge of posting AIBU because he can't stop buying tat at the moment - all cheap stuff but stuff we don't need and we have enough clutter. But then that might be a good thing for him.
He was incredibly mean. I didn't want a joint account because he would question everything I spent on the DCs...did I need to spend that? could I have got it cheaper? etc etc (eg. he has issues with Clarks shoes for the DCs)
So he transfers a portion of his wage into my account. I pay all the household bills, everything for the DCs and for me out of there. I have my own 'savings' too and the income on those is my mine. (No mortgage/rent we jointly own outright). He pays for his own car and stuff for himself, the food he buys (he often cooks special things for himself -sometimes all of us - usually no-one else likes it! -but not stuff like milk, tea etc).
The only problem with this is I will nag about saving money on the bills - turning lights off, not leaving a window open and the heating on etc, watching TV on his laptop when he could watch on the PVR (just nearly went over our massive broadband allowance again!) and it doesn't matter to him - it costs him the same no matter what.