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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting a joint account?

182 replies

Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:33

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

OP posts:
LindyHemming · 10/12/2013 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 10/12/2013 19:16

So he wants you to stay at home, sacrifice your career or job, give him the flexibility to work and have an income to call his own, but you can't have access to it from a single source you both use... Sounds like a caveman to me, I would insist on a joint account never mind like one

WhoNickedMyName · 10/12/2013 19:19

I really would not give up work in your situation. Even after 'the talk' you've had with him.

Yes it all sounds great right now, transfer money whenever you like, blah blah, but you have no financial independence and he calls all the shots. Big mistake.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2013 19:21

He wants you to give up your job, wants you to be totally financially reliant on him, wants to have no independent access to family money and you are just suppose to go along with his promise that he will never withold money from you?

And you say he isnt abusive? Any relationship where there is an accidental or deliberate power imbalance which is exploited by one partner is abusive. Sorry, but there you are.

Please do not give up your job.

mercibucket · 10/12/2013 19:27

you say he has insurance. did he write a will? if not, you cant just access that money. it will go to his next of kin. I guess his daughter?

sorry I know its not highest on list of priorities right now but worth getting a will written

I would no way be giving up work after that conversation. it sounds a very unequal 'partnership'. I'm sure he is a great bloke but he's just not seeing that he is saving money here with free childcare while you are losing money

TheDoctrineOfSanta · 10/12/2013 19:32

Did your DP look into whether he could do flexible working?

Caitlin17 · 10/12/2013 19:41

Sorry but the reason re his Mum is pretty flimsy. Given he's so conscious of that presumably he'd check the bank statement every month? Unless the account had a huge overdraft limit ( and that's something you, he and the bank would agree beforehand)the worst you could do is spend one month's pay in a oner and max out the overdraft. That's hardly going to be financial ruin.

You come across as very sweet and I wish you well but you're putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

Maybe you'd prefer not to work but let's say he earns £50,000 and you earn £15,000, you have a family income of £65,000. If you stop working it drops to £50,000. If you work but it costs you even as much as £10,000 you have a family income of £55,000. And you stay in the employment market which is worthwhile in itself.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 19:46

I agree Caitlin - there is a lot to be said about staying in the employment market.

When me and DH were looking at my return to work options we didn't look at it from the angle of the cost coming out of my wage and whether it made sense for me to work. We looked at how much would drop from our joint income - and that's how it should be.

Childcare would be be costing about 50% of my monthly wage if we considered it from that angle, but when it is looked at in terms of our joint income it wouldn't even be 25%.

Everything should be looked at as expenditure from both parties. Not from an individual angle and how much something will cost one person.

throwingstones · 10/12/2013 19:46

People really need to stop with this seriously blinkered idea that when one partner is earning (or one earns a lot more) and the other is not, that a joint account offers any form of protection whatsoever to the non-earner.

With separate accounts, if the earner decides to withhold money, they can stop transferring money to their partner, who then has no access to money.

With a joint account, if the earner decides to withhold money, they can immediately get their wage paid into an account in their name only, transfer no money to their partner, clean out the joint account AND run up a huge overdraft, do a disappearing act and then the non-earner not only has no access to money, they also find themselves liable for a large and increasing amount of debt (this actually happened to a family member of mine, to the tune of £4k or so).

If anything, having a joint account makes you more vulnerable to a financially abusive partner.

mercibucket · 10/12/2013 19:49

or with separate accounts the woman just has no access to money for the whole relationship!
I know which sounds better to me

it isnt so much about the joint account. its the idea that the op gives up work in return for nothing at all, and risks losing a lot

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 19:51

Exactly - as of March the OP will have absolutely no income of her own so nothing to even put in an account of her own.

How is that better than having a joint account??

throwingstones · 10/12/2013 19:56

If she has no income of her own, then she has no income of her own, having a joint account is not an income. She has access to money via him, as he's the one who will be working and earning a wage. I don't know if it's that concept that's touching some sort of feminist nerve but that's the reality however you want to spin it. The transferring of money "as and when" it's needed sounds a bit off I agree, it should be done in bulk for the money ahead on payday, but a joint account doesn't protect a non-earner if the relationship goes sour (and as mentioned could actually make things much worse).

throwingstones · 10/12/2013 19:58

month ahead*

youretoastmildred · 10/12/2013 20:00

yep I agree the "joint account" taken literally is a red herring.
But I think it is being used here as a shorthand to "having access to money without having to have individual expenses approved or possibly rejected"

the people who are advising the op not to give up work - well, that is one way to keep having access to money. but it is not impossible to be a SAHP with an earning partner and have equal and equivalent access and rights to money.

Doesn't sound as if this is a situation that this chap wants, though. That is more of a reason to consider your options carefully.

who owns the house, if it is owned?

Much as I hesitate to encourage pandering to dickheads like this, try suggesting a new joint account and agreeing what goes into it. There may be some weird emotional resistance to signing over the account that he has had since he was 16, or whatever.

expatinscotland · 10/12/2013 20:03

I would go back to work. NO WAY I would give up my financial independence if my other half had this attitude. He pays half the childcare costs. It's his kid, too.

throwingstones · 10/12/2013 20:08

yep I agree the "joint account" taken literally is a red herring.
But I think it is being used here as a shorthand to "having access to money without having to have individual expenses approved or possibly rejected"

Well if that's really the case then fine, but there often seems to be an element of "if he won't have a joint account he's an evil abusive bastard" in these discussions. Having a joint account is one way of arranging things equitably, but it's not the only one - and there are good arguments against it. But it most certainly isn't a form of protection for a partner (male or female) who doesn't earn anything whilst the either one does.

mercibucket · 10/12/2013 20:11

I only advise not giving up work as the situation sounds so precarious for the op

I was a sahp

we pooled our resources so we could afford it as we both valued the time I could spend at home

I took a permanent hit on promotion and pensions but as we are married if we split up I will get some recompense

no way I would do it in the ops shoes. in fact I think telling him hes going to have to stump up childcare costs instead might lead to some more illuminating conversations

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 20:17

Have you looked at your incomes as a whole OP as opposed to separating it into what you bring and home and what he brings home?

Even if childcare costs wouldn't seem worth it in relation to just your wage, they may be totally feasible in relation to what your joint income is?

Admittedly, it is a bit odd that it was his suggestion you give up work and him saying no to a joint account. What about what you want? The situation seems to be completely benefitting him whilst you get nothing and make all the sacrifices...

MinesAPintOfTea · 10/12/2013 20:18

ToastMildred but the op can't make her oh be reasonable. She can onlyget free access to money if she earns it herself because her oh is trekking her he doesn't trust her with his money.

We don't have entirely joint money as since a became a sahp I have had all the savings because its more tax efficient and for insurance in case something happened to dh such that his accounts were frozen and his salary stopped appearing. He's fine with this because he trusts me, we consider all money to belong to the family not the earner and if we were to divorce it would remain a marital asset whoever's name is on the account.

Minnieisthedevilmouse · 10/12/2013 20:34

I don't think he is presently either abusive. There are signs though that if not addressed between you properly that scenario could occur over time. Life is changing rapidly. Unfortunately our own attitudes tend not to change as fast. I'm a sahm too. It's hard keeping up with kids and finances and a partnership. It really explains why many couples do split once kids in teens, it ain't easy at all. Fun but not easy.

WhatHo · 10/12/2013 20:46

He is invested in your future enough to you buy a house with you, get married to you and have a child with you.....but God Forbid he makes the extreme commitment of a Joint Account

this Grin

Norudeshitrequired · 10/12/2013 21:00

For all those people saying that they would never give up work to become a SAHM due to financial independence etc. what would you do if you had a child with a disability who needed round the clock care? Would you still insist on working? What if your partner earned far more and couldn't choose to work flexibly? Care for children with complex needs is notoriously expensive - up to £30 per hour where I live (for those that can access it at all); that isn't affordable for most people so it wouldn't be a case of 'standing still' it would be a case of being much worse off financially for a lot longer than 4 years.
I understand that the OP isn't in that sort of situation, but it gets my goat when people say that they would never give up work to be a SAHM due to not being prepared to lose their financial independence, when there can be many reasons why people give up work and become SAHP's (including childcare costing more than earnings and not being able to afford the shortfall).

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 21:05

Just in case you meant me noshit - When I said I wouldn't give up my financial independence I meant it in terms of me being in a situation where I didn't have to if I had the choice.

If I had the choice to either be a SAHP or combine working with being at home (I.e working part time) then I would definitely choose the latter.

However, like I said, that's in the ideal situation where a woman has that choice. If I didn't have that choice then such is life and I'd deal with whatever situation I found myself in.

Norudeshitrequired · 10/12/2013 21:10

No it wasn't you in particular writer; it had been stated by several posters and came across that they would rather be financially worse off than give up work and financial independence and I think it lacked understanding for those that have no real choice in the matter.

Bogeyface · 10/12/2013 21:41

I said that I wouldnt give up my job if I was her. I did in fact give up my job but we have a communist view to finances

"From each according to his ability, to each according to his need"

Which naturally means that every penny that comes into the house goes into one account, and everything gets paid out of that account. We used to have seperate accounts for personal money but as we no longer get personal money, they became redundant! I only keep mine as any maintenance for DC goes into it (not that we ever get any but I live in the hope).

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