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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

for wanting a joint account?

182 replies

Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 08:33

Me and OH been together 7 years, lived together for 4 and have DD 3 months. we own our own home. I'm currently on maternity leave and after a discussion have decided that I will stay home with DD as it wouldnt be worth going to work after childcare costs etc. I was feeling quite guilty about it all at first feeling I was sponging but I'm past that now as OH keeps saying we're a family etc.

I brought up the idea of a joint account seeing as I'll be doing a lot of the shopping etc but OH is dead against this. he said work colleagues have told him not to do it because they argue with their wives (we never argue). I said I'm not going to take money without asking and he said its not that , he trusts me 100% but he's never agreed with joint accounts.

I'm worried that I'm going to be shopping and if I have to sign for it I'm going to be in trouble for using his card arnt I?

any other sahp not have a joint account? how do you deal with the money? did your partner send money to your account?

any advice would be great.

OP posts:
CuriosityCola · 10/12/2013 10:47

Xfirefly, hopefully it is just a case that he hasn't had a chance to think about logically and discussing it again will bring more sense to the situation. Good advice below about seeking further advice from relationships section.

Joysmum · 10/12/2013 10:47

There's no way on earth I'd want a joint account with nut hubby as he's shit with money!

I'm a SAHM and he transfers an amount to my account once a month to cover all my expenses that get paid in person plus extra, all the regular direct debits come out of his account and any extras get spent on the house or family time.

In occasional times of extra spending, like Christmas or birthdays, I use his card rather than him transferring extra money to my account.

I'd much rather keep control of my own finances and not be concerned about whether he's remembered to put his expenses through!

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 10:48

btw I've posted for advice before when we wasn't sure what to do regarding going to work or sah. majority said to sah because after all outgoings we had quite a lot left over ( wasn't sure what was an acceptable disposable income)

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/12/2013 10:50

We have a joint account for bills, food, mortgage and stuff for DS. We both put money in to it, but DH puts more in as I work part time. Our wages go into separate accounts.

You don't want to have to be asking for money. If you're going to be a sahp then his money should also be your money. You need to have an a agreement that suits both of you, not just what your DH has decided.

I'm not saying you are going to be a victim of financial abuse, but there are some very sad posts on here from people whose DH's won't let them have access to any money, or extra money and their DH's hold the purse strings. Or posters who have to scrape everything together from their child benefit. It's a method of control. So just be careful. It's not about him deciding, it has to be what benefits your family.

ILiveInAPineappleCoveredInSnow · 10/12/2013 10:53

I actually didn't realise people didn't all have joint accounts with their husband: partner until I was about 23!!! My parents had a joint account, everyone I knew who talked about it had a joint account.
It was only a work colleague who was discussing transferring money that made me realise not everyone did this.

To me, it seems almost bizarre to live a life in partnership with someone in every other way, but not want to share a commodity like money. We both have our salaries paid into the joint account, the bills come out of the joint account, and any money we spend comes from the joint account. I trust my husband enough to have children with him, and he with me, so trusting each other with money seems almost microscopic compared that.

You need to talk to your partner, as you say, because if it's something you feel strongly about, you both need to discuss it and negotiate a suitable (and legal!) outcome, whether that is having a joint account or not only you two can decide - but he does need to discuss it, and not back out with 'so and so said this happened to them' because he is not them!

Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 10:54

yes I've seen some stories on here regarding financial abuse. I read some to oh and he said he'd never do that. he was gutted that I'd even think he could possibly do it. he's not the type to demand I keep track of every last penny. I'm thinking maybe a joint account where he puts the money into monthly would be a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xfirefly · 10/12/2013 10:57

also he won't merge our Tesco clubcard accounts together after myself and a checkout girl suggested it . Hmm

OP posts:
Hermione123 · 10/12/2013 10:59

Good luck op, hope the talk works out.

WiseSam · 10/12/2013 11:01

We do exactly what Pobble does. Both have our own current accounts, and a joint account, and put in the fair amount of money according to how much we earn. If one of us stopped earning for some reason, the other would put in 100%. When your in a partnership/marriage, resources like money should be shared.

throwingstones · 10/12/2013 11:01

You should have access to an equal share of money (or whatever money you need based on what bills you need to pay), but the idea that this can be only done with a joint account is extremely outdated. A simple transfer of whatever money you'll be needed the month ahead on payday into one of your accounts works just fine.

Not wanting a joint account is not a 'red flag', there are enough people who are terrible with money for it to be a good idea to limit any linking on your credit file with anyone else, no matter how much you love them. Not to mention the large number of "live for each other" couples who couldn't ever possibly split up, who some years later have acrimoniously split with whichever one thought of it first having cleared out the joint account, leaving the other one out of pocket with no comeback.

Writerwannabe83 · 10/12/2013 11:46

Exactly - there are arguments for both sides.

My friend hates having a joint account with her husband as she hates watching him "piss away" their money on things she doesn't agree with. He has a much busier social life than her so spends quite a bit of money that way whereas she doesn't. She hardly spends any money on herself, not because she can't, but just because it isn't her nature. She knows full well that the money her husband is enjoying spending is probably a good portion of her wage as well as his own. He definitely reaps the benefit of having a joint account.

That's why me and my husband have a joint account for the house stuff (this includes mortgage, all bills, food shopping, holidays, house improvements, buying things for the baby etc) and separate accounts for ourselves, he has his 'spare cash' to do as he pleases with and I have mine. For example, he pays £280 a month for a car....madness in my eyes, but if that's how he wants to spend his money then so be it, it's his choice. Everyone is always saying women should retain their financial independence and I completely agree, hence why I like to know that a portion of the money I earn through working is solely for me to spend how I want to. As long as our mortgage and bills get paid every month then that is what that matters to me - that is our financial responsibility to each other met. Our joint account is never emptied as we put £1,500 a month into it and it certainly doesn't cost that much to run the house for a month, so whatever is left in it at the end of the month gets transferred into our joint savings account to go towards holidays or 'rainy days' etc.

Like I said, it works really well at the moment as our individual 'spare cash' is of a very similar amount each month (after we have paid our individual direct debits etc) but things will change once my Maternity Leave is over. But DH is aware and has been warned Grin

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 10/12/2013 12:15

Thing is you have to both be happy with the money arrangements whilst you're not working.

By staying at home you're saving money you would spend on childcare, he needs to appreciate this and recognise you need regular access to money to feed and clothe you and your daughter, activities, whatever. As you know smp isn't much and doesn't last forever so you need an agreement you're both happy with.

WhoKnowsWhereTheMistletoes · 10/12/2013 12:15

Friday16 - firstly the credit card buys a bit of extra time every month, I use it for the same reason, secondly because the household account is a mortgage offset one. The mortgage is in my name only which means he can't have direct access to it, for reasons I won't go into as too long but nothing to do with trust. We have just carried on with it ever since as it works really well.

Our circumstances are quite specific and different to the OPs. but the thing of having a shared credit card paying out of the unshared household account works very well.

Joysmum · 10/12/2013 12:17

Brilliant post throwingstones

I love having a separate current account so that I know where I stand financially. I'm better and more organized with money than he is. This way there is no arguments provided the regular amount transferred to my account each month fairly reflects our income and outgoings. Wouldn't want it all in one big pot.

Chewbecca · 10/12/2013 12:55

I like to have my own account actually, I don't want to see how much DH has spent on my birthday, on lunches etc.

But, speaking as a banker, I implore you to ensure he changes all the PINs and passwords on his accounts and never shares them again. You will have no protection if his card is cloned and used and will be liable for all that is spent on it, could be vast and happens a lot. It's happened to me twice.

mercibucket · 10/12/2013 13:01

when mn advised you to sah did everyone tell you how precarious your position is if you are not married

you give up pension contributions and income plus future earnings but if you separate you will not get recompense

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/12/2013 13:07

Why do people always take childcare off the mother's salary and decide its not worth her going back?

We took the childcare out of our joint income and yes it left us worse off but still better off than if I had not gone back to work at all. By the time the children went to school I slotted back into more hours, had no childcare bills and we were much better off than if I had been at home full time and given up work completely.

Especially as you are not married and your DP won't have a joint account with you, you could leave yourself very vulnerable in future if anything starts to go wrong. Think about going back to work and taking the childcare out of joint income. Otherwise I get the feeling that you are going to be a lot worse off each month while his bank account will look exactly the same.

IamGluezilla · 10/12/2013 13:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhatHo · 10/12/2013 13:15

From the perspective of arguing about joint accounts, you'll have a lot more 'discussions' about money if you have to ask him for it Every. Single. Time you need some than if you have an account where he pays in a certain amount every month. His colleagues must be idiots.

And for gods sake NO about using his card. How can he not see that's an awful idea?

Caitlin17 · 10/12/2013 13:18

We've never had a joint account in over 25 years but I've always had my own income as had he and hard and fast rules about who paid what.

You can't use his card to buy shopping. He'll either have to pay money into your account to cover all shopping and your own expenses or he'll simply have to pay for everything.

Do you have no money of your own coming in? Are you getting child benefit

Caitlin17 · 10/12/2013 13:18

No hard and fast rules about who paid.

niceguy2 · 10/12/2013 13:22

Why do people always take childcare off the mother's salary and decide its not worth her going back?

Because of the laws of mathematics. If for arguments sake you earned £600 a month, your partner £2k and let's say childcare is also £600pcm.

Now you could argue that if you split the costs in half then you'd earn £300 and your partner takes a £300 hit to £1.7k

In reality you are fooling yourselves because your family income is still £2k.

How you choose to structure your household finances is totally irrelevant. Overall as a family you are no better off except in my example you'd be working for no benefit.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 10/12/2013 13:28

"Because of the laws of mathematics."

It's not a "law of mathematics" that women are likely to earn less than men.

It's a whole different kind of law :o

Hermione123 · 10/12/2013 13:29

Yes but the sahp is also giving up harder to calculate benefits like pay rises and career progression and in the case of a split, has to realise those costs

TodayIsAGoodDay · 10/12/2013 13:31

Dh and I have separate bank accounts. After having dd I went back to work part time so he earns more money than me. He transfers part of his wages into my account each month to make up the difference. In other words, if I bring home £800 and he brings home £1200, then he would pay £200 into my account so that we both 'earned' £1000 iyswim?

This seems fair to us as we both do an equal amount of work overall: We both go to work (him more than me), we both look after dd (me more than him.

Because our monthly incomes are effectively equal, we split all bills 50:50 but anything that's leftover stays in our own accounts so we can spend or save as we wish.

I hope that made sense. It's a case of coming up with something that's fair and that you're both happy with.