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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
maddymoo25 · 03/10/2013 15:55

you are right it is no 1 elses business and in my mind I feel that its ok as long as she is a good mum but my heart can't help but feel sorry a lil for the children, I also know someone with 4 kids and 4 fathers , the children are all aged 1-6 , I did maybe think she should of slowed it down as in not rushing in to have a child with someone the 3rd time x

NotYoMomma · 03/10/2013 15:56

well it isn't exactly ideal for anyone really. do any of the dads see their kids or pay maintenence? do some kids dads more involved than the other kids dads? etc etc

it is bloody rude to comment though!

I think 4 is a lot. I would say that about a Dad who had 4 children with 4 different women too.

those extra people in my life would stress me out lol

Crowler · 03/10/2013 15:58

Part of being a good mother, frankly, is avoiding a rotating door of men in your house. What a nightmare for the kids. YABU.

cantspel · 03/10/2013 15:58

she might be the best mum in the world but it is hardly the ideal family set up for the children

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:59

It is complicated. A couple are involved are couple are not. I agree you wouldnt sit down and think right Im going to have 4 children with 4 different men but things dont happen how we plan them

OP posts:
Tuonz · 03/10/2013 16:00

I agree with Maddy. It's no on else's business as long as the parent is providing and caring or the children.
However bringing a child into the world with someone is a huge decision, I'd privately question their judgement. But then it is possible for contraception to fail.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 03/10/2013 16:01

They certainly don't. And you are right, it is no one else's business.

But that does not stop me judging.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 03/10/2013 16:02

Ive heard people call a woman we know 4 by 4 (4x4). Like the cars.
I just feel sorry for the children, 2 see their Dads but the other 2 have either never met or never see their fathers.

Beastofburden · 03/10/2013 16:02

Possibly I might think she is not a great picker Hmm so hopefully she will not have too many future relationships while her kids are growing up. She may have been very very unlucky of course but getting through four blokes in short order when you have Dc to consider is not ideal.

livinginwonderland · 03/10/2013 16:03

I think it's far from ideal, but I guess that's life.

I think it must be really hard on the kids whose dads aren't involved, though. It must hurt to see your half-siblings being taken out/given presents etc. by their dad while you have to stay at home and know your dad doesn't give a shit.

I also agree with the PP who said that being a good parent involves not introducing your kids to a string of men on a regular basis. The oldest must be pretty confused by the whole thing (three new men, three new siblings, all probably known as "your new daddy" at some point) - not really fair on the kids.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:03

Are the dads involved with the kids, seeing them regularly? Paying maintenance?

I'm sure she's a good mother in the sense that she looks after them and loves them, and if the dads are involved then all's good. If not, I'd be a bit concerned at what lesson the kids are learning.

lilola · 03/10/2013 16:04

yanbu. No one's business

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:04

But you could have 1 child who doesnt see their dad or 2. I agree that is a shame and not ideal but I dont get why 4 is any different to 2 or 3?

OP posts:
Golferman · 03/10/2013 16:04

Hmmm not ideal from the children's point of view.

emmelinelucas · 03/10/2013 16:05

Around here, 4 is not a lot (think more like 8 kids to 7 fathers) I wonder how much contact these children have with their fathers and how much maintainence is paid.
I try not to be too judgey (hoicks) but it doesnt sit right with me.
I suppose if the children are loved and cared for that is the most important thing, but whilst people could get caught once, or twice there really is no need. Its a kind of lifestyle choice for some people.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:05

Because it shows you are possibly not an excellent judge of character? It all sounds a bit chaotic to me, and it isn't modelling a healthy relationship (or pattern of relationships) for the children. If the kids are loved and provided for, it shouldn't matter, but I do think it's a far from ideal situation.

mandi73 · 03/10/2013 16:05

I have 4 children from 3 dads, probably sounds like I'm a bit loose????
Number 1, I was 18 and there was no way I was going to get caught out, yeah right.
Number 2, I was 25, spiked drink, no memory of the sex, and was 5 months gone before I knew I was pregnant, no morning sickness, no bump but a beautiful baby girl.
Number 3 and 4 with my now husband and he alse rears number 2 :)
But on the outside 4 kids by 3 men makes it sound like I was handing out to everyone.

lilola · 03/10/2013 16:06

livinginwonderland why are you assuming the 3 subsequent men have been introduced to the eldest as your new daddy ? Hmm

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:06

Madeleine - I answered that a bit further up

OP posts:
CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 16:06

Yabu to not see an issue with this. How complicated for the poor kids involved. So the ones whose dads are involved, how do you think the others feel. It's all good and well to say that's not how life works out, but 4 times??

Elfhame · 03/10/2013 16:07

It's not an ideal set-up. However life isn't ideal and things don't turn out as we plan. Bit harsh to be having a pop at her about it. I might wonder about how things turned out that way. Mainly because I am nosy.

Dahlen · 03/10/2013 16:08

If her friends are rude enough to offer uninvited comment, I think she should ditch her friends quite frankly. Her friends should be supportive. None of those children can be put back from whence they came.

However, assuming the circumstances are meet, move in, have child, separate, meet, move in, etc I would judge, though not harshly.

Anyone having four children from four separate relationships in a 6 year period is clearly not allowing anywhere near enough time to get to know someone well enough to consider having a child with them, nor allowing enough time post breakup to allow themselves to process the fallout and help the children adjust. Contraceptive failures happen, relationships end, timing of the love of your life isn't always idea - but for that to happen so many times in such a short period is a pattern.

There could be all sorts of reasons for that, ranging from simple poor judgement through to a history of abusive partners - hence not judging harshly.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:08

My mum has 7 kids to 3 fathers. People judge but there wasn't a load of men in and out of our lives. Shes married to the fella who is the dad of my 2 youngest siblings.

I doubt she planned for it to happen.

LtEveDallas · 03/10/2013 16:08

Part of being a good mother, frankly, is avoiding a rotating door of men in your house. What a nightmare for the kids. YABU

Ridiculous, horrible and judgemental post Angry

My friend has 5 children by 3 dads.

Dad number 1 fathered the first two, one of whom died, when they were both 16/17. He is still very much involved in his (now adult) childs life.

Children number 3 and 4 were by her first husband. He beat the crap out of my friend (nearly killing her) and then fucked off to America/Canada when child 4 was born. Dad number one stepped in and helped my friend enormously despite not being related to the children.

My friend then met and married her second (and current!) husband in her 30's and they had a "surprise" child when she was 39. He took on the middle two children without complaint, and has a positive relationship with the eldest, who was an adult by the time he came on the scene.

She has slept with 3 men in 26 years, married 2 of them. Hardly a revolving door.

LunaticFringe · 03/10/2013 16:08

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