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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 03/10/2013 16:09

I'm not saying it has happened, I'm saying it's possible.

That aside, questions will be asked - "why does x see their dad and I don't?" "why do they get taken out/given Christmas presents/etc and I don't?" "doesn't my dad love me and is it my fault? because x's dad loves them" etc.

I just think the whole thing is unfair on the children. [hoiks judgey pants]

NachoAddict · 03/10/2013 16:09

Things don't always go to plan, accidents happen and people change.

My exh turned violent whilst I was pregnant with our first child but I married him and stayed together because I didn't want the stigma of being a single mum, we had another dc too. That was stupid and my mistake. I now have ds with my new dp and have had nasty comments but its water off a ducks back. I am happy and so are my children.

DoNotTellMeWhatToDo · 03/10/2013 16:09

I guess the difference between 1 or 2 different fathers and 4 is the fact that she doesn't seem to learn from previous mistakes? How old is the youngest and how old is the oldest?

I know a woman who has 3 to 3 different dads. New partner, new baby, not really ideal. She doesn't give it a few years to see whether they're 'the one' before deciding to get pregnant again!

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:10

fll85 - so you did Smile
Fast moving thread, thanks.

Tough on the other two, though. It's true life can get messy, accidents happen etc but there's adult choice involved here, surely?Not just the woman's choice either - she adds quickly!

lilola · 03/10/2013 16:11

living you said probably. And I'm not sure why you think it's probable. Unless you're making nasty judgemental assumptions

hettienne · 03/10/2013 16:12

I don't think it's ok for anyone to comment to the mother, but it's not great.

I feel sorry for the kids who have had to go through 3 relationship breakdowns. Children need some stability.

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:14

Dahlen. They were not all long term relationships. 2nd and current pregnancies were unplanned and she isnt with the dad. And no she isnt constantly sleeping around.

OP posts:
ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:14

There is a difference between three long term relationships over a few decades, and 4 different relationships over a shot period of time (as has been suggested).

Viviennemary · 03/10/2013 16:14

If she's happy with this then what does it matter what people think.

maddymoo25 · 03/10/2013 16:14

its hard to judge a situation without knowing , there will be some women who have ended up in a similar situation but when you know the full story it is very acceptable.
however some women do make hasty decision with letting other men in their life's when they already have children , one after another.
so many different scenarios so yes its hard to judge unless you know facts

Pinupgirl · 03/10/2013 16:15

It wouldn't be the lifestyle I would choose but I am old fashioned and believe in marriage.

My mum has 3 dcs to 2 different men-its not something she would have chosen in an ideal world.

I know a few women who have dcs but different dads and I agree with another posters comments that it seems to be a revolving door policy-one has just got rid of her boyf for being an alcoholic and literally a week later she has someone new on the goShock

EverythingIsSoThrowback · 03/10/2013 16:15

One of my old friends is about to have her 8th baby, with the 7th father. Obviously it depends on the circumstances, but I don't think you can blame someone for raising their eyebrows at situations like that.

It's never an ideal situation, but if the kids are all relatively happy, it's not really anyone else's business.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:17

So two unplanned pregnancies and children from casual relationships? I know that the children are well looked after, but I do judge a bit because I don't see how this situation is in anyway a positive image of what healthy relationships and parenthood should look like.

whois · 03/10/2013 16:19

Bringing a child into the world is a BIG thing. Biger than getting married. Bigger than buying a house together/renting somewhere together. Has she done any of that? Contraception, when used correctly is extremely effective.

Having 4 young kids to 4 different dads to me shows a fantastic lack of judgement and isn't showing what a healthy relationship should be. It's not ideal for the children at all. I would think the woman was putting her own emotional needs ahead of her existing children.

So yeah, I'd judge.

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:19

Donottellme. My friend is 27. The eldest is 10 and youngest nearly 3.

OP posts:
ZiaMaria · 03/10/2013 16:20

Life doesn't always work out the way 1950's sitcoms suggest it should. She has 4 kids by 4 different men. It's not a big deal. I assume she loves them and is raising them as well as she can.

Dahlen · 03/10/2013 16:20

fil85 thanks for clearing that up. I know this will be an unusual POV but I actually think that improves things.

I don't think it's relevant if she's sleeping around or not. Your number of sexual partners in no way influences your parenting skills IMO.

Having a child without a partner is also not a barrier to being a good parent. That's why single people can now adopt or use donor sperm to conceive. It's parenting skills and stability of lifestyle that count. Many a single parent out there is doing a way better job than a dysfunctional couple.

Two LTR breakups is still hard on the DC but that could happen to anyone and doesn't suggest poor judgement of partners and/or relationship skills in the same way that multiple ones would.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:20

This thread has some utterly vile opinions on it. Even the ones that start well all boil down to some level of judgement.

Peoples lives can be complicated and different from your norm, but that doesn't make them bad lives. Or even 'less than ideal'. How do you know how good a mother she is? How do you know how secure her children are?

Back the fuck off with your snidey judgements of a woman's life, based on on nothing more then knowing she's had sex with 4 different people in 6 years.

SkinnybitchWannabe · 03/10/2013 16:22

Ive heard people call a woman we know 4 by 4 (4x4). Like the cars.
I just feel sorry for the children, 2 see their Dads but the other 2 have either never met or never see their fathers.

CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 16:23

She is 27, 4 kids, 2 unplanned and all within a short space of time. This does say a lot about her. She is not providing a good, healthy role model for those children.

peachactiviaminge · 03/10/2013 16:23

fil85 I did wonder if we knew the same person for a minute. A friend of mine has children by 3 men but father c is the father of father b iyswim? So 2 of her children are actually uncles to another as well as her partner being Dad and Grandad.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/10/2013 16:24

I think it's a sad situation for the children when their brothers or sisters have different Dads. It can't be nice for the ones whose fathers aren't interested when they see their sibling being taken out for the day or going on holiday with their Dad. It must also cause problems with money, because if two of the fathers pay and two don't, is this woman really going to spend the money she is given on the child whose father has given it, or is she going to put it in the pot to benefit all the children equally? Because either way, that situation is unfair on someone.

Everyone's allowed a mistake and I can completely understand why women have children to two different fathers, but any more than that just seems stupid or selfish or both.

Groovee · 03/10/2013 16:24

My brother has 4 kids by 3 mothers. Eldest is 28, next one is 19 and the next one is 16 then the youngest (the only one who lives with him and always has) is 10! The eldest 3 barely speak to him or acknowledge him.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:25

So you all judge the woman looking after her children but not the fathers who helped make them?

If I were to have another another child I would have 2 by 2 fathers and its judgments like this that make me think I should just stick to one unless I can harvest exs sperm.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:25

It's not about the number of people she's had sex with. It's about the number of people she has had a child by, which seems to imply that having a child with someone is 'no big deal'. When it really is, and could mean that the other person is going to be involved in your life for at least the next 18 years (if not longer). It isn't a healthy situation. Being a parent is about more than just making sure children have a roof over their head and food on their plates and are loved. How are you meant to raise a child to have self respect and know what emotionally healthy adult relationships look like, and what they deserve, when she is being such a poor example of it. Would she be happy if her daughter lived exactly the same kind of life? Would you be happy for your daughter to be in her situation? Or would you question why this kept happening to them, and what was causing this pattern?