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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:43

That was to Lulu

AllDirections · 03/10/2013 16:45

I've always said that having 3 DC to 3 different fathers only proves that I've slept with 3 men and that I'm an eternal optimist.

Getting pregnant with DD1 was careless, getting pregnant with DD2 was planned and getting pregnant with DD3 was a miracle.

I know I've done things all wrong but I have to work with what I have now and make the best of it so the DDs grow up happy and well adjusted. I can't change the past but with the benefit of hindsight and greater maturity I would have done things differently.

Crowler · 03/10/2013 16:46

Lula, are you a mother?

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:47

happymummy Woah! another massive judgemental assumption. So as well as all the other things she is accused of she is now a benefit scrounger. She does work. It is a rubbish job for rubbish money but she is no scrounger thanks

OP posts:
Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:49

Yes I am
A mother of 2 children, with different fathers.

youretoastmildred · 03/10/2013 16:49

In the olden days, when people died a lot, they also remarried a lot (sometimes having known the person 3 weeks) and you got a lot of mixed families and step siblings and half siblings. I know people say blended families can be tricky, but they are not new. Think what you like about this, but it is not some awful symptom of This Immoral Modern Age.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:50

I didn't mean trap a man, fll ,in a perjorative way.

More that she very much wants a proper relationsghip and kids, and love and all that, but her need for that makes her overhasty in her decisions. (friend of mine is like this).

Or. She just loves kids.
Or. She just loves sex.

She's a close friend of yours, you say, what do you think motivates her? As lula says we don't know.

I think if it's just a couldn't give a shit attitude then yes, obviously people will be harsh in their opinion. But it could be something far more understandable.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/10/2013 16:51

Fil85, am sure she doesnt claim anything for them or herself and covers everything herself Hmm

mortuusUrsus · 03/10/2013 16:52

Did anyone say it was mildred? Think I've missed a lot since the thread has been v. quick paced.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:52

I've always said that having 3 DC to 3 different fathers only proves that I've slept with 3 men and that I'm an eternal optimist

Triumph of hope over experience - I like it Grin

Loa · 03/10/2013 16:52

People make judgment about all kinds of things - especially situations that at least superficially fit a demonized stereotype.

I assume in this case it the feckless single parent stealing mens sperm and general sleeping with anyone stereotype.

Was everyone elses child / children planned then and has everyone only ever slept with their childs father?

Jumps up and down - yep do I win a prize? Even managed to be married few years before we had them and in late 20/30s.

Though I got judgedy comments for having my DC close together - a choice we made.

The only other person I know who makes this claim gets judge for having 7 DC - its often assumed it with multiple partners but its all with the same DH - she also got judge for being a teenager mother , though married, and then with later ones an older mother, they also both work but its often assumed they don't.

As for does it matter - well it might to the DC though that depends on how the situation is handled, the state of the relationships and other internal matters in the family. Outside of it well it's no one business which won't stop people commenting.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mojavewonderer · 03/10/2013 16:53

I'm sorry but having 4 kids by 4 different dads is not good parenting however you dress it up.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 03/10/2013 16:53

It's very nasty of anyone to comment on someone else's family set up.

I can't deny I might be a teeny bit judgey if it was whole string of kids all close in age and all with different dads, however, I bet that is a very unusual situation.

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:53

Happymummy so do you not get any help from anyone else?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:56

We are actually asked to comment on somebodys family set up.

Have you read the op?

"It is a rubbish job for rubbish money" - yet she still has not decided that bringing up a 4th child is not a good idea, to the point of preventing the situation?

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/10/2013 17:00

"HappyMummy so do you not get any help from anyone else?"

No, why would i expect others to pay for the choices i make in life?

You asked for comments but apparently only want the if they make your friend sound like mother theresa. Numerous partners, different parents for every child and being unable to provide for the children knowingly is not my idea of a "great parent".

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 17:00

Quint so would she be a better mother to have had an abortion? :-\

OP posts:
FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:01

"It is a rubbish job for rubbish money" - yet she still has not decided that bringing up a 4th child is not a good idea, to the point of preventing the situation? - Quint - exactly.
What sort of mother brings another child into the world when she is not in a relationship with the father and has a crap job? You can bang on about what a wonderful mother she is all you like but at the end of the day she is selfish and irresponsible.

FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:01

Fll - she'd be a better mother if she started using contraception

CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 17:01

'It is a rubbish job for rubbish money'

So maybe she should focus on educating herself, towards getting a better job and improving her situation.

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 17:03

Happymummy there we go with numerous partners again! Have you not slept with more than 4 men then?

OP posts:
FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:04

There's a difference between having 4 sexual partners and using protection to prevent pregnancy and STI's and getting knocked up by every man you sleep with.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/10/2013 17:06

Huge difference between numerous sexual partners and having "unplanned " children with lots of them! The four are only the ones she has had a child with.

But will answer the very personal question with a no. Have been married for 13 years and prior to that was very selective as a lot of women are.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 17:07

Fatpenguin
What if she planned the first two and then had two accidents? Is that 'acceptable', or should she still be subject to our judgement and demonisation?
How many accidents are women allowed to have before they become 'irresponsible and stupid'?

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