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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
Crowler · 03/10/2013 16:34

Lulabellarama, I welcome any woman to have sex with whomever she pleases. If she is a mother, it is very irresponsible to bring a rotating cast of men home and worse yet to become pregnant by several different ones. What a destabilizing existence for the kids.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:34

Who said she was 'shagging about'?
You've extrapolated that from your own vile views on a woman who has had 4 children.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:35

You said "but things dont happen how we plan them" Surely it seems she did not actively plan to not get pregnant?

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 16:36

Yes, I am sure many of us have had a number of relationships but hopefully we will have understood how to use contraception, and/or ensured our partner does - particularly if we have had one 'accident' Hmm.

mortuusUrsus · 03/10/2013 16:36

I agree with Crowler and Quint too.

My brother's just "accidentally" fathered a child with a woman who already has 3 "accidental" children by 3 different men. This comes after a quickie divorce from his wife of less than a year. Clearly he'd known what contraception was while and before he was married. How funny that all his knowledge of contraception vanished the moment he met a woman who had had 3 children "accidentally".

None of them see their biological fathers and I can see it going the same way for my brother and his new baby.

Poor fucking kids.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/10/2013 16:36

And I sincerely hope none of you identify as feminists, because your attitudes are pure misogyny

Don't worry, I don't identify myself as a feminist at all.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:36

Who said she is rotating men around?!

As I said my mum as 7 by 3 but there was never a string a men around.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:36

'If she is a mother, it is very irresponsible to bring a rotating cast of men home and worse yet to become pregnant by several different ones. What a destabilizing existence for the kids.'

Who said she brought them home? How do you know what relationship they had or continue to have with her children?
Shitloads of assumptions going on her.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:37

It's surely the opposite of misogynistic to want to model healthy relationships, where both partners love and respect each other? Where both partners take responsibility for their own fertility and make sure that children that are conceived are wanted and not 'accidents'? I don't care if she wants to go out and have sex with 100 men because she enjoys it and does it responsibly, as long as it isn't affecting the children and their welfare. Having child after child after child with different men who may or may not have anything to do with them, some unplanned, shows a lack of considerations for the emotional welfare of the children and herself.

Elfhame · 03/10/2013 16:37

I don't agree two unplanned pregnancies is 'fucking stupid'

It happpened to someone I know, but it was the same dad in a marriage so I guess she isn't a fallen women. Hmm

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:37

Lulabellarama, this has nothing to do with feminism.

It is pretty fucked up to suggest that feminism is to ensure any man can have sex with you without contraception, without condoms to protect you from stis and pregnancies, and without care for the children that already exist in a family, and no care for future children. That is the far from feminism.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:38

And she might not bring them into her home, but she's probably bringing each new child into the home?

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:38

"Who said she brought them home?"

What are you suggesting? Alleyways? Or just going to their homes each time there was a babysitter looking after her brood?

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:39

But you know NOTHING about whether they were accidents or planned? You're just assuming.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:39

Op said "but things dont happen how we plan them"

So, surely they were not all planned?

ballinacup · 03/10/2013 16:40

My DGM has six children to three dads. However, 'D'H1 beat the everloving shit out of her on a regular basis and ended up in prison for attempted murder after hospitalising her.

DP2 died whilst she was pregnant with my DAunt.

DH2, and the father of my DM and DUncle was her husband for nearly 60 years until he died last year.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:40

What is far from feminism is making crass judgements on a mother, raising her family without knowing anything about her or her circumstances beyond one or two lines of text.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:40

OP says they were unplanned. That's all the info we have to go on, and that's what people are doing.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:40

Is she the type of woman who really wants a man around fll85, but keeps picking the wrong ones? Sleeping with them/becoming pregnant in the hope they will hang around

That's usually low self esteem etc.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:41

They probably weren't all planned, but maybe 3 were, or two were, or ones was. You don't know anything.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:41

Not every child is planned. Mine wasn't and neither were 6 of the 7 siblings I have.

Having an opinion is fine but saying someone is an easy lay and a STI hive for sleeping with 4 men in 10 years is bollocks.

This is why I will only have one child.

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:42

Madeleine no she isnt trying to get pregnant to trap a man.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:42

You brought feminism into this. Not me.

HappyMummyOfOne · 03/10/2013 16:43

I think most people would judge. Its not the life most people would want for their children. What view of the world and relationships will they grow up with?

If sleeping with numerous parties, surely you ensure you protect against STDs, let alone pregnancy. Contraception rate is very high, doubled up its virtually impossible to get pregnant. Two unplanned is either lazy use or none at all.

Hard enough to give four children the time and attention they need without the distraction of another new relationship and working to support them as she presumably does (although unlikely)

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:43

I'm not making a crass judgement, as I said, the OP seems to think she is looking after them well. But I am going to make the judgement that this is not an ideal situation, one I wouldn't be happy for any child of mine to mirror and I don't think the woman in question is acting in the best interests of her children.