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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:25

Was everyone elses child / children planned then and has everyone only ever slept with their childs father?

OP posts:
Crowler · 03/10/2013 16:25

peach, that's pretty bad.

Dahlen · 03/10/2013 16:26

It's got nothing to do with how many sexual partners someone has!

I would go as far to say that a woman who has 6 children with 6 different men and hasn't had any of those men living with her could be a better mother than a woman who has had 1 child with 1 man but been through a horrendous divorce.

It's not about sex, 'morality', valuing traditional set ups over more conventional ones or any of that. It's about practical stability and the emotional pain a child experiences from living with warring adults and repeated breakups.

BrokenSunglasses · 03/10/2013 16:26

I'd judge the fathers as well, but the fathers aren't the ones who get to decide whether a baby is born or not. That's down to the women.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:26

Some women just really, really love having children I think. Pregnancy and kids is something they very much want and the more the merrier. Somebnody who needs them and won't leave 6 months later.

I was a divorced single mum of two, got together with my new partner (now husband) fairly fast, and became pregnant very early in the relationship.

Things were rocky in the relationship at the time for many reasons , so regretfully we agreed termination was the right decision at the time. I can understand people really not wanting to go down that path, and wanting to have the child, irrespective of the partner's behaviour. It's not ideal for the kids, no, but each person will deal with the situation differently, and some really succesfully IME, so it's not necessarily all doom and gloom

It's not the choice I'd make, but lots of people do - must be very...err.. lively in their house, I'm not sure I could handle it Grin

Crowler · 03/10/2013 16:26

fll85, I have had sex with LOTS of men! But then I got married & had kids.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:28

Part of being a good mother, frankly, is avoiding a rotating door of men in your house. What a nightmare for the kids. YABU.

Agree with Crowler.

It shows three things about this woman:

  1. She is an easy lay (how much sex do you have to manage to get accidentally pregnant every second year)
  2. She is a bad judge of character
  3. She has never understood how contraception works.

(And another part of me thinks

  1. She must be an STI hive)
SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:28

At 27 my mum had 4 children, 2 fathers and only 1 planned.

At 40 she had 7 to 3 dads. What a terrible role model she is.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 03/10/2013 16:28

fll85 I've had sex with a fair few men before I met my husband. But then we got together, had a stable long term relationship and had a baby (got married but that's optional).

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:30

crowler I have slept with a lot of men too. I fell pregnant to one of them which was not planned, had my daughter then met my now DH who I have a son with. Like I said before things happen Naybe you were just lucky

OP posts:
whois · 03/10/2013 16:30

2nd and current pregnancies were unplanned and she isnt with the dad. And no she isnt constantly sleeping around

Then someone needs to talk to her about contraception. Two unplanned pregnancies is fucking stupid.

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:30

Quint What a load of shite. She must be an easy lay and a STI hive Hmm

CoffeeTea103 · 03/10/2013 16:30

Agree with quintessentialshadows.

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 16:31

I hate to admit this but yes, I would judge too. I find it hard to understand that a 27 year old has the emotional maturity to cope with this many relationships that have resulted in four children. Someone known to me has two children by two different fathers (who have different children by other women as well - so a huge web of complicated relationships). Neither father provides for either of the children, one of the children is in care. So that is my personal experience - of course some people can cope but I wonder where you find the energy for a new relationship if you are caring for three young children Hmm.? Yes, i know I will get flamed for these comments.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 16:32

This thread is actually making me furious

'She's an easy lay'
'She's stupid or selfish'
'She's an STI hive'

You should be ashamed of yourselves. And I sincerely hope none of you identify as feminists, because your attitudes are pure misogyny.

AllDirections · 03/10/2013 16:32

I have 3 DC to 3 different fathers but I have quite big gaps between my DC. DD1 considers DD2's dad to be her dad. My relationship with DD3's dad was long distance and I used to stay with him when the older DDs were with my XH so they weren't involved in any 'family' set up with him. I'd had some gynae problems so I didn't expect to be able to have any more children so DD3 was a surprise. She rarely sees her dad but it's not an issue at the moment.

Because it shows you are possibly not an excellent judge of character?

I've been single for 7 years now. I don't know if I'm just a bad judge of character, whether I was just unlucky or if I'm just not good at relationships but I will definitely be staying single.

Madeleine10 · 03/10/2013 16:32

Or possibly talk to the men who aren't around about contraception, too, whois. They could add the chat about taking responsibility to the absent men, while they are at it.

Elfhame · 03/10/2013 16:32

It's not judgemental to say a situation is less than ideal. I was a single mum. My situation was less than ideal, to say the least. I didn't plan it that way.

QuintessentialShadows · 03/10/2013 16:33

Yes, most certainly. Not using any condoms while shagging about getting pregnant every two years, each time to a different man, isnt there a high risk of STIs?

This woman needs to address her sexual health.

Crowler · 03/10/2013 16:33

Good grief. This is the second thread today in which it has been suggested that women who don't inadvertently wind up pregnant are merely lucky. Guys, it's 2013. Get a coil already.

Ragwort · 03/10/2013 16:33

And I agree with Quint but wouldn't dare be so blunt Grin.

ExitPursuedByADragon · 03/10/2013 16:33

Doesn't Ulrika Johnson have 4 x 4?

Original poster
fll85 · 03/10/2013 16:33

Quintessentialshadows. From what I have said all you know is she has slept with 4 men in over 10 years. I bet most members have slept with more than that in a 10 year period, but yet she gets tagged as an easy lay as you so politely phrased it :-\

OP posts:
SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 16:34

4 men in 10 years Quint Yes totally shagging about isn't she. Totally an easy lay Hmm

basgetti · 03/10/2013 16:34

There comes a point when you need to think about the stability of your existing children and stop creating new ones. This seems more like a pattern of behaviour than just a case of 'life not turning out as planned.'