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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 children 4 dads

578 replies

fll85 · 03/10/2013 15:50

One of my close friends is expecting her 4th baby. She is getting a lot of stick from other people in our group of friends, and even some strangers, because the 4 children have different dads.

AIBU not to see this as an issue? She is a fab mum to the 3 she has. What business is it of other people and does it matter?

OP posts:
Thisisaeuphemism · 03/10/2013 17:08

She wouldn't be a better mother to have an abortion but she wouldn't be worse.

Surely, this has nothing to do with number of partners you have, its to do with number of children you chose to have with - from what you've said - just random fellas.

GangstersLoveToDance · 03/10/2013 17:09

I would judge her.

Having 4x4 implys that she thinks it's 'no big deal' to have a child, making her immature and selfish. OR she doesn't use contraception or doesn't use it correctly. Which makes her stupid.

The first thing to spring to mind is 'poor kids'.

AnandaTimeIn · 03/10/2013 17:09

Personally, I couldn't give a flying fuck - no pun intended Grin how many men a woman sleeps with or how many children she has by them.

If the mum and the dads can take care of them financially and emotionally I don't see a problem at all.

It do think others' have a right to have an opinion if they are helping to support this set-up through their taxes....

Thisisaeuphemism · 03/10/2013 17:10

I wouldn't say she was irresponsible and stupid at all. But then, I wouldn't say she was making responsible and wise choices either.

I hope it works out for her but yes, I would say she is making life harder for herself.

HepsibubbleCauldronToad · 03/10/2013 17:10

What a thoroughly nasty thread. On the plus side it's showing me who the absolute cunts are. A bit sad that some of them are people I respected. You should be ashamed of yourselves, you horrible people. Fucking vile.

AnandaTimeIn · 03/10/2013 17:11

And no, I am not a Conservative! Just amazed at some people's idea of entitlement.

FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:11

I would think 1 'accident' should be enough of a wake up call.

kotinka · 03/10/2013 17:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

2blessed · 03/10/2013 17:14

I think the main thing is that the children are well cared for and thats regardless of how many children by how many fathers. A family is a family and how that looks can be so different to what the perceived acceptable norm was 40/50 years ago.
Its not my business.

CoolaSchmoola · 03/10/2013 17:16

It's not about how many people a person has slept with, who cares? It's about a person choosing to have four children with four men in ten years, two of whom were unplanned. Personally I think if you don't use contraception then you are actively PLANNING to get pregnant.

Once is an accident, but twice?

You asked if having an abortion would have made her a better mother... She's in a shit job on shit money with three kids at home, those three kids will now have to share that shit money four ways not three, so her other children may well have had more opportunities available to them and more one on one time if she had, so you could argue that from their pov she would have been a better mother to THEM by not having another baby. But abortion is a personal choice and I wouldn't ever say anyone should have one unless they want one.

But using contraceptive would have made her a better mother to the children she's already got. You can't live on love, you can't eat hugs and noone can make more time.

She can sleep with a thousand men for me, but having another child when she's got three on shit money already IS irresponsible and selfish because the other three will get less money and time spent on them.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 17:18

Well then I must be stupid and irresponsible to have had two accidents.
Am I better or worse for having terminated the first accidental pregnancy? Please enlighten me as to your sliding scale of acceptability?

reelingintheyears · 03/10/2013 17:19

QuintessentialShadows Thu 03-Oct-13 16:28:04

Fucking hell Quint, that's disgusting.

Loa · 03/10/2013 17:19

We are actually asked to comment on somebodys family set up.

Yes - which does make me wonder if there isn't a tiny bit of judgment going on from fll85 otherwise why have a whole thread defending her friend's lifestyle if it's a non issue as stated in OP?

People making nasty judgment comments about other people's lives can hardly be a revelation.

I would think 1 'accident' should be enough of a wake up call.

I do know people who have been very unlucky or who are particularly fertile - and some of those people have found it very hard to get sterilized despite being very sure that what they want.

But generally I do agree with that statement.

digerd · 03/10/2013 17:21

On a happier note, SIL knows a lady who has 5 DC from 5 different fathers. The dads all pay maintenance and have their DC every weekend. The mum loves her weekends as a single galSmile

PeppiNephrine · 03/10/2013 17:22

I wouldn't say a word about it to her or anyone else. I'd have an internal Hmm though.
She can't be the sharpest knife in the drawer but what do I care?

digerd · 03/10/2013 17:24

In OP's friend's case, I feel so sorry for the 2 DC who have no contact with their dadsSad

FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:25

Lula - I'm not going to argue with you.
But I don't understand how anyone has 2 accidents. Seriously, enlighten me.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 17:26

I'm not giving you anymore information about my life, thanks.
But surely if you understand how one accident can happen, you can understand how two could. It's exactly the same principal.

FatPenguin · 03/10/2013 17:28

Actually no I don't understand how people let it happen. If your not on the pill, coil etc use a condom. If you think it didn't work get the morning after pill?

CoolaSchmoola · 03/10/2013 17:29

Lula you seem to be taking a thread about an entirely different situation to your own incredibly personally. This isn't about you, and you really cannot compare having two children with two dads to four children with four because it is NOT the same. I'd even go so far as to say two or more with two dads is the norm, but four with four and two of those unplanned from casual sex when money is limited doesn't give the impression that the woman in question is particularly responsible.

There are a lot of women on this thread saying I had two with husband one, three with husband two who I'm still with - again, not the same.

And I do know accidents can happen, I aborted my accident too, but surely when you have three children, one of whom was an acc

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 17:30

Dear god, your posts are twattish.
Millions of women have 'accidents', congratulations that it didn't happen to you.

Lulabellarama · 03/10/2013 17:31

I'm not taking it personally. I'm disgusted at people's views on this situation. I have some experience of accidental pregnancy but that's not where my ire comes from.

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 03/10/2013 17:31

It must be more complicated for your children to all have different fathers.

Possible different surnames, possible some of the kids have supportive fathers whilst others have absent fathers, possible different looks Confused

CoolaSchmoola · 03/10/2013 17:32

Bloody phone!

But surely when you have three children with three dad's at home, one of whom was an accident from a casual encounter you would be more aware of the potential for accidents and belt and braces it for the sake of your children?

She had two children to two dads, meh, who cares, it's normal. She had a third to another dad, ok.... A fourth accidentally?

SPsTwerkingNineToFive · 03/10/2013 17:33

You If you saw a picture of me and my siblings you wouldn't think any of us were related! It looks like my mum just asked random kids for a picture.

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