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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to move out and take everything

975 replies

FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 08:15

Bit of background. My OH decided to end out relationship a few days ago. We have 1 DC under 1. I don't want the relationship to end at all, we have our problems and decieded we would give it one last try for each other but a couple of weeks in after telling me he had no intention of ending things he no has. I'm heart broken. We rent a house of his parents and they have said if I stay they will increase the rent to so can't afford to stay so I'm moving out with DD. The tenancy is all in my name. XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing. When we brought anything we both put money into everything and had 1 pit so it was all just "ours" I'm angry I'm being forced out my home with DD and now he says I'm not allowed anything. So WIVU to take it anyway?

Please don't flame me if I am, my heads a mess, I've lost my whole life and now I'm expected to start again from
Nothing while he has everything

OP posts:
HorryIsUpduffed · 30/09/2013 08:21

He is being very unreasonable. His parents are being arses too.

It isn't so much that you need all those things, but that your daughter does. A father and grandparents who would chuck their baby/grandchild out on to the street with only her clothes ... well that's not somebody I'd want to have to pass the time of day with, let alone live with.

He can't unilaterally keep everything without compensating you. Can you tot up an estimate of the value of the things he wants to keep that you bought together, down to the last bedsheet and spatula, and present him with a bill for half?

Good luck.

skittycat · 30/09/2013 08:22

Honestly... no I don't think YABU... you have your DD to look out for and it sounds like your Ex and his family are being a bit spiteful.

I would at least try and take some of the essentials (washer etc).

JourneyThroughLife · 30/09/2013 08:22

YANBU. As you say, you've lost everything and he has a job. And if you both put money in, you're due something back from that. I'd just go and take as much as you can get hold of, leave him to argue about it later. In addition, you have a child so you're going to need big items like washing machine and dryer anyway...

MaidOfStars · 30/09/2013 08:24

If the stuff was bought with joint finances, then it should be jointly split. Practically, this would mean one if you has the fridge, one of you has the sofa, and so forth.

Why is he insistent on keeping everything? Why does he think he has a right to do so?

pudseypie · 30/09/2013 08:25

Sounds like he and is family are being rather mean (am being polite btw). I'd take the lot while he's out at work. YANBU, he is.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 30/09/2013 08:29

Don't rush and move out yet - the tenancy is in your name, please check your rights first. Contact CAB and Shelter for advice.

Where would you go?

I think your ex and his parents are very unreasonable!!!

notapizzaeater · 30/09/2013 08:32

They are fools. I'd stay put and ts lots of advice. Iirc thy cant just put the rent up by a huge amount.

ChasedByBees · 30/09/2013 08:35

I think they are acting illegally and being so cruel. I would get legal advice. Your OH can't insist you leave everything if you paid half. What an absolute bastard he is.

StanleyLambchop · 30/09/2013 08:35

XP has said he is moving in wen I love out so the only things I'm allowed to take is DDs things because he needs the rest. I'm a SAHM mum and he has a good paying job, I think should have most the bigger stuf like fridge, dryer, sofa but he says I have nothing.

He can 'say' whatever he likes, doesn't mean you have to comply! I would get some free legal advice (Citizens advice?) and then move what you can while he is out at work!

olgaga · 30/09/2013 08:38

When does your tenancy agreement end? Is it a proper contract and did you pay a deposit? Did you rent it furnished or unfurnished?

Harryhairypig · 30/09/2013 08:42

Unless you are staying there for free you have a tenancy agreement and they can't just kick you out. If your Exs name isn't on tenancy agreement he can't move in. Get advice from shelter ASAP. You will probably have to split furniture etc if jointly owned.

grumpydwarf · 30/09/2013 08:44

When I left my ex I moved out with only mine and my sons clothes. Don't do this! My ex threw away most of my stuff and bought new thing so I had nothing. If u can find receipts for any of the big purchases then take them items an the receipts (proof of ownership) anything else bought either ask him to pay u half for them or take them and offer him a token amount for then.

Personally I think u should try and get some legal advice as the tenancy is in ur name and ur PIL sound like complete arseholes! I'm sure there must be laws to stop landlords just kicking u out over something like this. Feel no guilt and put ur child first. Doesn't sound like the father or grandparents will.

User3433399 · 30/09/2013 08:47

I would second getting legal advice. Call your local CAB as the first point of call. I'd be interested to see what you tenancy agreement says about when/under what circumstances the rent can be raised, especially if the agreement is in your name (so you rather than your OH would be liable). They may not be able to raise the rent until a particular point in the year, for example, and they should have to serve you notice if they try and evict you so I hope you'll have a bit of breathing space to sort this out. They sound like absolute bastards, I have to say, especially with a grandchild involved.

If you have jointly paid for the goods then you should definitely split them. Are you sure he meant it, or said it in the heat of the moment? Can you try and talk to him and emphasise that he is disadvantaging your DD and making her life in any new home much more difficult and unpleasant by doing this? Do you have the evidence (bank statements, receipts etc.) that could prove you paid your part? AFAIK if you are not married (you call him your OH) it is much more difficult to deal with splitting finances as a 'common law wife' has no status in actual law. Unfair as that is.

BrokenSunglasses · 30/09/2013 08:49

It would be fair for you to take things to the equivalent value of what you contributed, but it would not be fair for you to take more, and it would be theft if you took anything that was there before you moved in.

If he supported the decision for you to leave work and become a SAHM, then he should be more financially supportive of you until you are able to get settled somewhere new and have found a job. Then he will have to contribute half of your childcare costs.

Nanny0gg · 30/09/2013 08:59

FarOverTheRainbow I am so sorry that you are being treated so badly.
Please ask MNHQ to move this to relationships where you will get very knowledgeable advice from people who have been where you are.

Get legal advice pronto. If the tenancy is in your name they cannot chuck you out or put the rent up overnight. But you must find out your rights and get some breathing space to organise a new life for you and your DD.

Citizen''s advice and a free half-hour from a family lawyer to start you off.

Good luck.

Tailtwister · 30/09/2013 09:03

Your XP and his parents are being very unreasonable and cruel. They are banking on you becoming intimidated and giving in.

I also think you should get some legal advice. You also have a child together, so his financial obligations will have to be worked out for her too.

HappyMummyOfOne · 30/09/2013 09:07

Its unfair to take everything, what you need to do is work out anything you each bought separately and what you bought joint. Aything joint needs to be split 50/50.

Your landlord can issue notice without giving a reason as long as they comply with any tennancy contract. Staying put and letting them evict you would simply add to the stress and atmosphere so it may be better to try and find something sooner rather than later. Your OH will have to pay child support and perhaps if you can keep things amicable you can agree a little extra whilst you find work but hes under no obligation to support you.

Is it too late to go back to your old job as sounds like you would be near the end of what was your maternity leave?

caramelwaffle · 30/09/2013 09:13

Ask for this to be moved to MN Legal.

Your Ex and his family are nasty and you are well rid (even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment)

GangstersLoveToDance · 30/09/2013 09:26

It would be fair for you to take things to the equivalent value of what you contributed, but it would not be fair for you to take more

I completely, completely disagree with this.

Out of the items in my house (furniture/white goods/laptops and other digi things etc) - almost without exception, df has paid 2/3 to 3/4 of the cost. This is because he earns about £15k more a year than me.

If we split up, I would want half - not just the 'value I had contributed'. [hmm}
Since we have been together, I have had two lots of 12month maternity leave, staying at home to look after OUR children. As a result my career progression has obviously been affected due to time out of the office. I have made little progression in terms of position or salary. His however, has gone from strength to strength and in the past 9 years he has gone from a casual worker in a call centre to obtaining a management NVQ and is now a retail manager of a very well known store, on a very good wage.

His career progression was supported by me, all the way through from the bottom. Why should I not be entitled to half?

Beastofburden · 30/09/2013 09:30

Another person here advising you OP to not take everything your ILs say as the truth. As your head is in a mess, get some advice from someone experienced, calm and not involved. Start with CAB and Shelter.

You may well end up in a better place, with your own home and your own income from child support and state support. There will be help to replace major household items. Go get some advice.

BrokenSunglasses · 30/09/2013 09:39

Gangsters, this isn't about you or your situation, I answered based on the very limited amount of information in the OP.

People have a responsibility to provide for themselves, even when they become mothers. There are two parents in this situation and both of them need certain things in order to live, and to provide a home for their dd when she is with them. Neither of these two adults are entitled to everything that was bought from a shared pot of money, which is what they both seem to want. If the split is going to be made fair for both people, then they have no choice but to share.

GangstersLoveToDance · 30/09/2013 09:54

I'm not disputing that things should be shared.

I was replying directly to your comment that she should only take 'the value of what she has contributed'. Which IMO is not the case. What If he has contributed financially to 2/3 of the stuff, in a similar situation to myself (hence the example).

I was pointing out that it's not always as simple as 'take what you bought' - which your comment seemed to be saying.

Original poster
FarOverTheRainbow · 30/09/2013 09:54

Thanks for all the replys. I'm going to contact citizens advice today. He is very money orientated and everytime he seems to speak to me is about money and not once has he asked about his daughter but he is see'ing her today for a few hours.

There's no way I can go back to my old job.

I'm moving back to my mums but he said to go to the council and tell them I'm homeless so I can get a bed in a shelter.

We have a holiday booked together, and he isn't happy because I've refused to sign it over so he can sell it to his friend and keep the money

OP posts:
caramelwaffle · 30/09/2013 10:01

Fair is not the same as equal.

The family law courts agree with gangster on this especially where providing for children are concerned.

Far you really should start looking into how to financially and physically disentangle yourself from your PIL and ex.

www.entitledto.co.uk

www.gov.uk/browse/benefits

www.citizensadvice.org.uk

TessTackle · 30/09/2013 10:02

You 100% are entitled to at least half of what is there.
Seeing as he earns and you don't, get a van rented when he's not about and take it all. He sounds a complete and utter arsehole. You should be ale to get on a council waiting list (depending on your area) but I'd definitely recommend staying at your mums over a shelter, they're no place for children, trust me.

Hope it all works out for the best, you deserve better Thanks