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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party? Sad

OP posts:
SweepTheHalls · 26/09/2013 16:50

I don't think so, big parties are a treat, not an entitlement.

LoganMummy · 26/09/2013 16:52

You have done the right thing. Plenty of warnings and following through with actions sounds the best action.
Hope you're ok.

manicinsomniac · 26/09/2013 16:52

No, I don't think you are. Not if you have already warned him more than once that this will happen if he doesn't improve. You said it and he didn't change his behaviour so you kind of have to follow through now in my opinion. Otherwise he will see you as someone who makes empty threats and can safely be ignored.

LindyHemming · 26/09/2013 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Weller · 26/09/2013 16:53

Tbh you should not of used that as a threat, could anything be causing your sons behaviour? I would hate myself for following this through to find out something else has triggered his behaviour.

MrsBungle · 26/09/2013 16:54

Yanbu. Those are the consequences and you have warned him.

Sirzy · 26/09/2013 16:54

You warned him it would happen, now he will know that you mean what you say. YANBU

ashleysilver · 26/09/2013 16:54

YANBU If you told him the party would be off if he misbehaves, then you have to cancel. I am a great believer in boundaries and consequences.

mysticminstrel · 26/09/2013 16:54

What Weller said.

I don't think you should have threatened it in the first place.

Now you have, you kind of have to see it through. I don't think I'd have the heart though :(

forceslover · 26/09/2013 16:56

I feel quite sorry for him, why behave now! I expect you are at the end of your tether, but what next as a consequence? Cancel Xmas?

cathpip · 26/09/2013 16:56

You are doing the right thing, and don't reinstate it even if his behaviour improves. A harsh lesson has to be learnt here and learning the hard way is no bad thing.

saulaboutme · 26/09/2013 16:57

Yanbu. You're following through with the threat of no party. I think it's good to be consistent.

He's gonna throw a nutty probably but stay strong. He's 6, maybe it'll be different by the time he reaches 7.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 26/09/2013 16:58

I agree that you need to do something, however i doubt that he ll comprehend the idea of cancelling the birthday party being linked to his behavoiur. Normally the idea of rewards is that they are small and immediate. If he is really out of control you need to do something. Is there anywhere in your area offering courses such as Incredible Years or the Nurturing Programme or you could speak to your gp about a fererral to a family centre.

Rooble · 26/09/2013 16:59

YANBU. You need to follow your threats of punishment through.
Could you use a 7th birthday party as an incentive to improve his behaviour over the next 12 months?
I mean, earning balls in a jar etc during the weeks and months?

gamerchick · 26/09/2013 16:59

I wouldn't personally cancel but I would postpone for a month to see if things improve. Not getting his party on his birthday and a real threat of losing it altogether might be enough.

It is your call though. There might be a reason for his behaviour you're not aware of yet.

lagertops · 26/09/2013 16:59

I don't feel sorry for him. If he was adequately warned then tough. He'll maybe think next time before ignoring you and thinking you give empty threats.

Kids are not entitled to birthday parties by default.

forceslover · 26/09/2013 17:02

He is 6, not 16! He is not going to associate a loss of a birthday party with each misbehaviour. At this age immediate sanctions work best not withdrawing a party with days or weeks to go. Far too harsh!

Iwaswatchingthat · 26/09/2013 17:02

I admire your guts and I think you have done the right thing. Well done for sticking to your guns and supporting the school in trying to improve your son's behaviour. The message that you are serious will be heard loud and clear.

PatsysPyjamas · 26/09/2013 17:03

The threat was too strong.

lagertops · 26/09/2013 17:03

I do think that maybe if this behaviour isn't a phase and he doesn't buck up his ideas after this, then you should explore other avenues and find out whats going on.

But even if there are legitimate concerns with behavioural issues, there still needs to be consequences for his actions so don't feel guilty about cancelling.

Daiso · 26/09/2013 17:04

I understand why you have cancelled and if you feel that it is an appropriate punishment then that is your call to make.
Hopefully he may learn from this. Maybe you could explain to him the reasons why you are cancelling his party, and say that if his behaviour improves considerably over the next month then you will go out for a day of his choosing to celebrate his birthday.

Editededition · 26/09/2013 17:05

You don't really have any choice but to cancel, as if you let the party go ahead it will be obvious that you do not follow through on threatened sanctions....and the consequences of that are really not what you want.

I would brace for some tantrums, and allow them to settle before talking through the consequence with him..... and working out how things can be improved.

leylandii · 26/09/2013 17:05

I don't think I could have cancelled the party tbh, but that is just me. I would have had immediate sanctions which followed from the moment the school had me in.

BUT, great for you if you have threatened him with the cancellation of the party and actually seen it through.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob · 26/09/2013 17:06

Personally, I wouldn't and I wouldn't have threatened this.

If his behaviours is dire then he will need to suffer the natural consequences of this but I wouldn't be cancelling parties.

Maybe you could do a toned down version, a few friends for a birthday tea?

Tabby1963 · 26/09/2013 17:06

YANBU. You stated in advance that one of the consequences would be cancelling the party.

Now his behaviour has below accepted levels you can sit him down and calmly but firmly explain that the party IS now cancelled. Talk about now disappointed you are that his behaviour at school has forced you to make this decision.

Say that you, he and the school will work together to help him to make better choices, (so he is aware that you are in the loop with the school about his behaviour choices, both good and bad) but that he must begin to take responsibility for his actions. You will not tolerate continued rude behaviour to staff/yourself. There will always be a consequence.

Think very carefully about future consequences but always, always stick to what you say. Good luck.