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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 26/09/2013 17:07

Have you (you means yourself and partner) and his teachers got any idea what has caused this behaviour in the first place?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 26/09/2013 17:07

YANBU. If DD1's (5) birthday was nearer I'd be threatening the same thing. She's being a right little bugger at the moment and nothing is getting through to her.

manicinsomniac · 26/09/2013 17:07

I don't understand the point of view that he won't understand why his party has been cancelled.

He's 6! 6 year olds understand simple cause and effect perfectly well. They know what a threat is, what a punishment is and they can tell you why it has been given.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/09/2013 17:08

If you have said this will be the consequence for bad behaviour, and his behaviour hasn't improved, then I do think you have to carry through the consequence.

I think you need to decide where to go from here - as forceslover says, are you going to cancel Christmas if he behaving unacceptably? I think he might need something to work towards, otherwise he might feel he has nothing to lose if he carries on misbehaving.

I understand you might not be able to reinstate the party nearer the time (apart from anything else, it would be a huge far with reissuing invitations you have previously cancelled, finding a new venue or doing all the organising again), but perhaps you could have a different birthday treat, that he could earn with good behaviour - something you can organise at short notice, like a cinema and burger trip with a friend or two. But emphasising that he has to earn it with a consistent attempt to improve his behaviour at home and at school.

kelda · 26/09/2013 17:08

I don't think it's a particulary effective threat, as you've found out. I very much doubt his behaviour is suddenly going to improve after you've cancelled the party. Postponing it is a better idea.

What is the problem with his behaviour?

nickelbabe · 26/09/2013 17:09

YANBU.
you told him what the consequences would be, it didn't make a difference, now you see it through.

he's carried on acting that way because he thinks you won't follow through, but you meed to show him that you will, otherwise no sanctions will ever have any effect on him.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/09/2013 17:10

Surely at 6 the consequences and rewards have to be immediate?
Threatening to cancel something in the future would not have had the desired effect on my DCs when they were that age I'm afraid.

I wouldn't have used the party as a threat tbh.

I also don't agree that because you have said it, now you have to do it.

When is the party supposed to be?

Meglet · 26/09/2013 17:10

Yabu. It bet it makes no difference to his behaviour, in fact it might make it worse as he'll feel crap.

I'd guess there's more going on than just 'naughty' behaviour. And he's only 6, so just gone into year 1?

lagertops · 26/09/2013 17:10

SDT
His party has been cancelled, not his actual birthday. So he will still receive presents and cake, thus having something to look forward to.

MrsZimt · 26/09/2013 17:11

I would follow it through.
It's another question if this threat was too harsh, but it didn't stop him behaving rude and disrespectful.
I think I get where you are coming from as I would not want to spend a fortune on a birthday party when the child in question does not follow the simplest social rules (of school and home) and just doesn't care.

Your message is loud and clear. Don't water it down because of your guilt. This might the the thing that shakes him up enough to care about his behaviour.

InTheRedCorner · 26/09/2013 17:11

Depends when the party is.

BeerTricksPotter · 26/09/2013 17:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiddleRageSpread · 26/09/2013 17:13

Have you asked him WHY he is behaving so badly? Any clues? Do school know?

6 is still v young.

You have told him, so i can see that you need to follow through, but it was a HUGE thing to threaten, and also very 'future' for a 6 year old. I would stick to immediate consequences.

nickelbabe · 26/09/2013 17:13

no, it doesn't have to be immediate, but it has to be obvious.

for future, think smaller, i reckon,otherwise you could find he'll never behave again.

I think this time, it's big enough to make sure that he doesn't want anything like this to happen again, so you'll need to keep that up.
in theory, once he's learned that you aren't a pushover, you can start with the positive enforcement again.

AmberLeaf · 26/09/2013 17:14

I think Id be looking at what is causing these behaviors in the first place.

I wouldn't cancel his party, but then I wouldn't have made that threat in the first place.

If the threat of cancelling a wanted? birthday party hasn't worked, Id be really wondering what is behind it all.

You have to be careful you don't get to the point of it not being 'worth' behaving if you are in deep shit anyway.

AmberLeaf · 26/09/2013 17:15

Id be interested in what his bad behavior consists of too.

pixiepotter · 26/09/2013 17:15

I think you need to address why he is is being rude and defiant. I would suggest he has self esteem problems if he reacts so dramatically to being corrected.But I don't know You need to be getting to the bottom of this.
all his cancelling his party will do, is making him feel angry and more disaffected.And what has he to lose now?

MrsDeVere · 26/09/2013 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Badvoc · 26/09/2013 17:20

Well you have to follow it though now.
However, neither you nor the school seem to be doing much to get to the bottom of his behaviour?

MarshaBrady · 26/09/2013 17:22

You may keep continuing down the same path, with worse behaviour if you cancel. He may feel angry and out of control.

I wouldn't. I'd try and think of other ways to turn it around with him and school.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 26/09/2013 17:23

Does his behaviour affect other people? If so, YANBU, I can see why you have cancelled the party. If behaviour both at home and at school is the issue then his lack of self-control could make the party a nightmare.

RedHelenB · 26/09/2013 17:29

Honestly don't believe threats work as well for my son as they did my dds. Personally at age 6 I think it is harsh - have the invitations gone out already?

BeerTricksPotter · 26/09/2013 17:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Renniehorta · 26/09/2013 17:32

I agree you have done the right thing in cancelling the party.

However we have Halloween/ Bonfire night coming up. So you could offer him the possibility of having a party then if he bucks his ideas up. He has proof that you have carried through your threat once. It might work this time.

hollyisalovelyname · 26/09/2013 17:32

You have to follow through on threats
However could you postpone it rather than cancel it? I agree a 6 year old will understand when they are being naughty and unreasonable. I wonder why he is misbehaving. Why the negative attention seeking. Is there a new sibling in the house? Have you a new partner? Is he in a new school ? Others being mean to him? A new babysitter / minder?

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