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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party? Sad

OP posts:
Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 19:01

Easier said than done. Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as though I would have done any better. It's just how I would like to handle it IYSWIM.

IsleOfRight · 26/09/2013 19:03

I think you are being too harsh. Can you get him to choose a punishment. So say you are cross so either no party or xxx (eg lots of chores) and get him to choose.

6 is v young. Must be a reason for his behaviour.

kali110 · 26/09/2013 19:04

My god op is not cruel or threatening.
Personally i cant believe the amount of people saying yabu.
Shes done the rewards and consequences he knew this was coming.
Its going to make him sad and angry, it should do!its supposed to be a punishment. Shes warned him. If she goes back on it then her son will know that his mom goes back on her word.
I think she should get to the bottom of whats causing the behaviour though.
Op you dont have to feel bad.

Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 19:09

And I agree with mmelindor and tantrums
It's not the end of the world to admit to having over reached with a consequence or punishment.

kiriwawa · 26/09/2013 19:09

A couple of 6 doesn't have the cognition to link behaviour today with no party in 3 weeks. This is a couple who's never had a party. He's been looking forward to this for years Sad

kiriwawa · 26/09/2013 19:10

couple = child. stupid autocorrect Angry

Parmarella · 26/09/2013 19:11

Confession time: i am not a perfect parent ( who is) and once told my 7 yr old I was going to csll Santa and tell him not to bring any presents, big tears obviously but then DS looked st me and said in a little voice :"but you would never do that really, would you?" And I said " no, you are right, i was speaking in anger. I fid not mean that. But I am angry at your behaviour, so I am going to say no WII for the rest of the week. He minded, but also thought it was a punishment fitting the crime.

Imagine what a shit Christmas we'd have had if I pigheadedly had followed through.

As it was, he was about to get sick and his first symptom is often to act out of character. And i overreacted as I was stressed about DH losing his job. So yes, he was wrong, so was I in my response, but in the end it was all fine.

Parenting is hard work, whatever your parenting style...

MoominMammasHandbag · 26/09/2013 19:12

If the OP wants to simply punish bad behaviour then fine. But often punishment does not act as a deterrent. And it just makes behaviour worse. You get into an awful, negative cycle.
I am speaking here as a parent who has sometimes been a bit harsh in the past. And really, it has never worked.
Feel the love maaan.

ll31 · 26/09/2013 19:14

Yabvu and accidentally I'm sure quite nasty imo. He's six,if he was nine or ten maybe it's not so bad. He normally doesn't have parties, has he told his ffriend's he's having one! I'd try and find cause of behaviour first tbh.

Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 19:15

You know op. i'm sure whatever you decide will be fine. Kids can drive you round the bend.
The thing is, if other consequences or "threats" haven't worked there's no reason to imagine this will either. Sometimes we think we've been clear and consistent with rewards and consequences but actually we might not have. It's not always easy. But it is nearly always wearing.
I guess you've spoken to your DP/h by now. Hope it went well.
If his behaviour is an ongoing issue you might find a programme such as "incredible years" really effective. Your school nurse or teacher should have the details.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/09/2013 19:15

kali it might be a good thing for him to know that mum makes mistakes as well. That no one is perfect and he is not the only "bad" person.

Do you honestly think a 5 year old will process it properly?

If I said to my 15 year old, if you do not behave yourself at school, hand in all your homework etc for the next 2 weeks then you cannot go to xs party, she understands that. It makes sense.

Not to a 5 year old. A 5 year old needs instant consequences and instant rewards. By the day of the party, he probably won't even remember what he did for it to be cancelled.

Tabliope · 26/09/2013 19:18

I agree with Picardy, Creature, MmeLindor and Quint. I feel sorry for the boy. I can't imagine he will be better behaved after that. In fact, if that's how you parent I think he might end up hating you when he's older. There has to be a better way but what you're proposing it OTT as it gives him no where to go from there. Yes, you're getting a lot of people saying that'll teach him the consequences of his actions but do you really think for the next year he'll be better behaved thinking he might get a party for his 7th birthday? What's next? Christmas? You start off with the big guns like that you've got no where to go. You shouldn't have threatened this to start with and well done to the first poster that had the guts to say that.

MmeLindor · 26/09/2013 19:18

Kali
Parenting isn't about punishment. I very rarely threaten my kids and never with harsh punishments.

My kids react much better to positive reinforcement and talking to them rather than laying down the law.

OP
I can highly recommend How To Talk So Kids Will Listen.

It really helped me get to grips with bad behaviour

Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 19:20

mumtojacob in what way have you actually cancelled the party?
The booking? Guests?
What did yout oh say?

Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 19:22

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babybarrister · 26/09/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SunshineMMum · 26/09/2013 19:25

This reply has been deleted

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mrslaughan · 26/09/2013 19:26

I do think when you threaten something, that you need to follow through, but don't think this avenue, is going to get the result you want.

Is this knew behaviour? What has triggered in....

My son has had behavioural issues in school, in the past, all linked with a learning difficulty, understanding that and giving him the tools to cope with his learning difficulties has been the key to helping him. Not saying your son is has learning difficulties, but something is behind this behaviour..... He is 6 not 16......

DameFanny · 26/09/2013 19:29

Yanbu. You can always take the party money and take him to the cinema instead, but it sounds like you're at the end of your tether, and I hope this is the shock he needs.

Good luck Flowers

FutTheShuckUp · 26/09/2013 19:30

Flapjack I'm far from a wimpy parent. And my kids don't run riot. Funny that.

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 26/09/2013 19:33

YANBU I am having the same problem with one of mine.

IamGluezilla · 26/09/2013 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlemisswise · 26/09/2013 19:36

I agree with MmeLindor and Quint.

What would you have done if he had gone back to school in January and the teacher had needed to talk to you 4 times? You would have had no party to threaten with.

I have backed down in the past when I have been wrong, I have apologised to my DC when I have been harsh. I have 2 well behaved young men who respect me and are, also, prepared to backdown when they are wrong!

Hulababy · 26/09/2013 19:41

When is the party? Have the invites for his party gone out? If so - what about all the children invited and now no party to go to, perhaps gifts bought? Or is it just the promise of a future party that is being cancelled?

TBH though I think the threat and the punishment is too much and may well backfire. It is not one I would have used myself.

As many sanctions and also positive reinforcement have not worked and the issues are at school and home I would want to be investigating the cause of the poor behaviour as a matter of urgency.

He sounds like a very sad and angry little boy who no longer cares about sanctions and rewards regardless of whether he is good or bad. This goes beyond normal naughtiness and cheekiness ime, and therefore I feel it needs looking into.

How far have you gone in terms of looking at possible reasons for his behaviour?

What are school doing about his behaviour there too?

Are you and school both on the same level and working together to sort it, with consistency in approach?

Viviennemary · 26/09/2013 19:43

I don't think cancelling a party is a good idea on the whole. The only time I might consider this is if I thought his behaviour would be really bad at the party. But otherwise no. Nobody is the perfect parent and I think going back on a decision if done in a sensible way is OK rather than bulldozing ahead with something you know isn't really a very good idea. And I agree that he is only five.