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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party? Sad

OP posts:
Josie1974 · 26/09/2013 18:06

Yes YABU.

A 6 year old behaving like this. There must be a reason. You need to sort it out, not just keep escalating threats.

Agree with PPs, you should never have threatened loss of a party, ESP one he's looked forward to for years.

TSSDNCOP · 26/09/2013 18:09

Well you have to go through with it, but I fear this will not end well.

I think you need to spend time with him and his teacher figuring out what is causing the problem and fixing it.

grants1000 · 26/09/2013 18:11

Exactly what Josie said. You'll be remembered like 'the grinch who cancelled Christmas'

Are you all going to sit in silence on his birthday?

Cancelling the party won't make his behaviour better. That needs sorting now, you need to try better, harder and longer to turn things around.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/09/2013 18:11

Yes I think that sort of approach is good too racing though can be used alongside some consequences type responses too ?
But I agree you don't gain anything by taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut.
I think smaller but more immediate consequences probably work better.
We certainly did you've just behaved terribly in car on way home so no karate tonight DS.
Up to a point it's good for them to realise that you are in charge and that the good things in their lives are a privilege not a right.

defineme · 26/09/2013 18:12

I don't think being that defiant is 'normal' for a 6 yyear old actually. I have known a lot of 6 year olds and the only ones that did behave like that did so for reasons beyond 'n ot caring' about consequences. One little boy had lost his Grandma and his parents had split up. The girl I'm thinking of was being excluded by 'friends' and taking it out on parents and teachers.

I very much doubt this is behaviour without a reason and I'd be far more concerned with finding out the cause and working with him than cancelling a party.

Nancy66 · 26/09/2013 18:13

Seems very harsh to me. Especially as he's never had a party before.

Bakingtins · 26/09/2013 18:14

I wouldn't have chosen that as a sanction but if you have told him that's the consequence you need to follow through.

waltermittymissus · 26/09/2013 18:15

Have you already cancelled it?

Tbh it seems harsh but I'm from the school of "you've said it so follow through".

However, I'd probably be a bit inventive around this. What exactly was the party?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 26/09/2013 18:18

Also I think the decision is still to be made tonight really hasn't it ?
You've not said anything yet ? (apart from saying party would be cancelled if behaviour not good enough)

So it's still your call what you say to DS (and DH) and whether you cancel party or not ?
You could say that although behaviour has not been as good as you'd like you know he is looking forward to party .... etc. etc.
And maybe you hope to see improvements before the party ?

So, I'm just saying it's not a black and white decision but a question of judgement

CreatureRetorts · 26/09/2013 18:20

Also you can back down. It's not about losing face - I the punishment is ridiculous then you talk to your son, tell him that but that you will do something else instead.

Parmarella · 26/09/2013 18:22

Yabu.

Smaller, immediate sanctions are better at that age ( no pudfing/treat, no tv/console time, not going to a friend's house, not getting pocket money, etc.

Taking away a child's birthday party is like taking away Christmas. It is a Huge thing for a child.

If his behaviour is really bad and he does not care about being told off, have a chat with the teacher and senco, ask if his behaviour is "normal" or could there be something going on. (Adhd, dyslexia, issues with friendship). Discuss a strategy.

Canceling the party probably won't have a long term good effect on anything. He will be upset, yes, but is that an achievement of any kind....?

saulaboutme · 26/09/2013 18:23

Having read through this thread I can see why some children do play up a wreak havoc!

Op some parents don't have the balls to say no to their children and leave bad behavior unchallenged.

He'll get over it and it will have an impact. It may switch him on to listen and realize that bad choices don't get rewarded. Stick to your guns seriously. Who's the boss and all that!!!!
Whatever his reaction I'm sure you haven't made this decision lightly.

Therealamandaclarke · 26/09/2013 18:25

You must be really stressed.
But I think YAbu to cancel his party.
I would sit down with him, work on some small, specific short term behaviours, and focus on positive reinforcement. Then choose a smaller sanction for the next consequence/ "punishment"

TantrumsAndBalloons · 26/09/2013 18:26

Why is that then saulaboutme?

I personally didnt think it was the end of the world if I threatened a thing in the heat of the moment and once if Realised it was not appropriate, didnt follow through.

My DCs are not terrors at all. In fact they are decent well behaved polite teenagers.

You don't always have to be hard and punish, regardless.

Sometimes there are other options....

saulaboutme · 26/09/2013 18:27

Also if it is a senco issue you can deal with that if it comes. Right now, as far as I can tell from your post, that's not what's happening.

FutTheShuckUp · 26/09/2013 18:27

YABU and cruel IMHO. I couldn't imagine adding to my child's bad behaviour and unhappiness by humiliating them in front of all their friends. No tv, bike, x box for a week but cancelling his special day for him and his friends will do nothing for his self esteem and behaviour.

CreatureRetorts · 26/09/2013 18:28

Having read through this thread I can see why some children do play up a wreak havoc!
I'm willing to bet its those kids with parents who make ridiculous threats, carry them out then are out of options when there's nothing left to take away.

Being a parent isn't about squashing your child and making them comply.

defineme · 26/09/2013 18:29

I say no all the time saulaboutme and when my kids were little I did take them home from soft play etc if they misbehaved. However, if they were going to such extreme behaviour as being rude to adults and defiant at school by the age of 6 I'd be looking at the reasons why. My kids wouldn't do that unless something was seriously wrong because they know not to and have been brought up with consequences. I've no reason to assume the op's ds is otherwise, so I'd want to know why rather than ever increasing punishments..

MoominMammasHandbag · 26/09/2013 18:29

I think it's a disproportionate punishment. I think naughty children are more likely to be sad about something than innately bad. If your child is rude and disrespectful then he is learning this behaviour from somewhere, probably very close to home.
He is 6 for goodness sake, he is just a little kid, he needs to feel loved and secure, not horrible.

MarshaBrady · 26/09/2013 18:30

And it will probably make his behaviour worse not better.

cg13 · 26/09/2013 18:31

I think you have to follow through now. But, tell him that if his behaviour improves he can have something small-scale, of his choosing, a week or so after the party would have happened. That way you give him a chance to earn back what he's lost. Agree with PPs that you need to find the root cause.

QuintessentialShadows · 26/09/2013 18:32

yeah, I can see that cancelling his birthday party is going to help, and will instantly make him into a pleasant, benign, little angel.

kali110 · 26/09/2013 18:32

Omg op yanbu!agree with saula this is why some kids get away with all sorts cause noone people dont follow through with punishment,
You told him what would happen if his behaviour didnt change hes had fair warning. I dont think being called into the principals office twice in a week is acceptable at all. Yanbu, youve tried with the rewards and you warned him what the punishment would be.
You arent being cruel or nasty your just following through what you said you would do, dont feel bad.

FlapJackFlossie · 26/09/2013 18:33

My good gawd there are some wimps of parents on here !

humiliating them

self esteem and behaviour.

You've said it, please carry it through. If you don't you will have far, far worse behaviour in the future.

GangstersLoveToDance · 26/09/2013 18:33

Wow. Really, really harsh IMO. YABU.

5 year olds are not 'little shits' for no reason. Either there are SEN or something is making him behave this way. Either his parents/family/school most likely.

Give the poor kid his party and start introducing appropriate sanctions. If he really is this bad now, what do you think will happen when he has nothing left to lose? Even the thought of next years party won't save you then.