To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

[MumtoJacob]

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

I think yabu, I can't think of anything that my dd could do that would warrant such a harsh punishment. Also why is he playing up so much? Whats going on? As his parents you have to take some responsibility for his behaviour.

I personally would be looking very close to home as to why he is being 'naughty' and looking at ways to make sure he feels loved and supported.

I think you're right to cancel - but you should set a realistic alternative that he can work to. i.e. If you try very hard to be good and stop being rule and anughty at school, you can have a big Haloween/Christmas party for your friends to celebrate with you instead. Have clear, achieveable targets for what he needs to do to get a party reinstated.

YABU

You should be looking to find the reason for his behaviour, not making unreasonable threats and following through with a disproportionate punishment.

I also think that it is ok to say, 'We threatened you with this, but we have realised that it was an unreasonable thing to say and so we have changed our minds'.

Why don't you tell us a bit about his behaviour, and what you and the school are doing so that we can make some suggestions to help him.

Is this a long-term thing, or a phase he is going through?

I think this is one of the saddest threads I have read on MN regarding behaviour.

Would never have thought that so many would say YANBU

I agree with Quint. Cancelling his party will make him sad and angry. A sad and angry child is not a well behaved child.

TantrumsAndBallons I don't withdraw from a threat. I really make them at all. What the op has done is harsh, I've heard so many parents threaten and threaten and the child KNOWS it ain't gonna happen!
I think just no empty threats.
Congrats on your kids, mine are wonderful too...

If he's never had a party it is a bit of an empty threat - but one you have to be prepared to go through with. Have you with previous punishments ? Surely his behaviour needs to be managed at a more immediate and targeted level, with more appropriate rewards and sanctions. Can you take advice form teacher and/or SENCO?

sorry just reread your OP and see that you do rewards/consequences already.

Is this behaviour out of character? I'm guessing he's just started year 2 so quite a big step up in terms of expectations.

when is his party? One of DS's friends had his party cancelled last year but he did get to have a couple of friends over

Please don't cancel it, make him earn it. So, tell him that he doesn't just get a party he has to earn bits of it. Make it fun!
I would make up a set of cards, depending on how long til the party and he can earn something - one guest ; a cake : savoury snacks; etc - he could choose when he has done something helpful or had a really successful day at school.

I think op, that you have just had enough and cancelling his party is a last ditch attempt to reign it all in, but I don't think it will improve your ds's behaviour if you cancel his party.

Agree with other posters that it is okay to say to him that you have decided not to cancel his party, it is, I think, a sign of maturity, not weakness to rethink a decision you have made.

I think you need to get to the bottom of why your ds is behaving this way, and then you can take appropriate action. Good luck.

But Saul, parenting isn't about threats and who is the boss. parenting is about demonstrating good models of behaviour. And that can include standing down when you are in the wrong. generally, children need consistency, yes, but I could bet my house that cancelling a birthday won't end in a child behaving better. it will end in him being resentful, fearful, anxious, hyped up.

The question is: what is the desired outcome in all of this? If it's to create a safe harmonious life in school and at home, and to foster good communication and trust with your children, then don't make aggressive threats. If it's to prove who's boss, roll your sleeves up because that will be a long, hard battle with no winners.

Exactly saulaboutme

You follow through your threats without question.
I don't mind admitting that it was wrong to threaten x in the first place and not follow through.

And yet, we both have wonderful children.

That was my point to you. Implying that because someone doesn't do what you do, then they are somehow not challenging their children and allowing them to behave as they choose is somewhat shortsighted in my opinion.

All the people saying it is essential "follow through" make me wonder.

I have at times threatened my children with an over the top sanction. Then thought about it and changed it.

After all, only people who never think never change their mind.

Changing your mind when you realise you have made a mistake ( like too harsh a sanction) is not a show of weak character, rather the opposite.

Reminds me of the HT in " Educating Yorkshire" who saw through with the punishment of that boy, and refused to even listen to anyone or anything, that is not strong leadership IMO.

Strong people are not afraid to change their mind when they realise they acted OTT

The worst behaved kid in my 7 year old's class is the one who's Mum is always yelling at him and threatening him. Hell she even scares me. Surprise surprise her boy is also aggressive and threatening.
Last year we had another, equally naughty boy. His Mum is always very loving and patient. This little lad is getting better behaved all the time; we've had him for tea and he was lovely.
Of course two isolated examples don't mean anything, but please think on OP. Parenting is not just about proving what a disciplinarian you can be.

Nerfmother, that is a good way of giving him a second chance

OP. Are you a shouty scary threatening mum? Making your son sad and badly behaved?

Well done on following through with what you threatened!! Nothing worse than when parents threaten consequences and don't carry them out!!

I would never cancel a birthday party - there is a line between appropriate punishment and meanness, although I totally understand your reasons. It's a bit like cancelling Christmas. Some things you just don't threaten. I fear the hurt caused will give your son enough negative feelings to keep him well stocked on bad behaviour for some time. I would hate someone if they cancelled my birthday! How powerless and sad he must feel?

"Nothing worse than when parents threaten consequences and don't carry them out!!"

Oh, yes there is something worse.

Parents who threaten consequences which are way out of proportion for a small child, and carry them through because it is not in their parenting ethos to admit that they have made a mistake.

cataline there is plenty of things worse.

Like following through on an over the top sanction for no good reason.
Like not getting to the cause of the problem, but instead taking more and more things away.

At 5 punishments need to be instant

Saying "if you do not behave I will cancel x in 2 weeks time" doesn't make sense to a 5 year old IMO.

Work with the school, have a reward system that he can see, that he can be rewarded for straight away, something that means something.

I'm afraid I'm another one who wouldn't have made the threat in the first place. In fact, I don't think I've ever threatened to remove something as a punishment, as I just couldn't do that.

I think in your shoes, I would uncancel the party, but try and really ease up in everything else for now. No play dates, trips out, etc. just spend as much time with him as you can, and rebuild the relationship between you.

It might reinstate the respect thing in his head, and hopefully that will transfer to school.

YABU, way, way too harsh. He will never forgive you.

Agree Quint.

DH always says that sometimes parents should back down and let the DC 'win' an argument, provided it is fought with words and persuasion and not tears and tantrums.

It is ok to admit that you made a mistake. Kids learn by watching their parents, so it is good for them to see that eating humble pie needn't taste bitter.

I agree MmeLindor

I think it is actually ok to say to your DCs, I made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. I don't understand why parents want to keep up the act of "everything I do is right" because, it just isn't right all the time.

No one is perfect, but it takes a bigger person to hold their hands up and say "I was wrong"

I think that's a pretty important lesson to teach tbh