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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

318 replies

MumtoJacob · 26/09/2013 16:49

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

OP posts:

cjel · 27/09/2013 10:32

Just read one of your posts in which you said his teachers said he is coping well with structured part of school. I have generations of dyslexics in my family including MIL H,dcs,dgcs, nephews etc and would say that teachers (sorry teachers) don't have a clue about recognising it unless it shows as bad reading and writing. They are usually very clever people who find ways of coping and because of this it is hard to diagnose without full assessment by educational physcologist.
Luckily for my family we have learned to watch and get it sorted before it shows in extreeme behaviour, but it is a battle all the way including the education secretary to allow some to drop all languages at school. It is very common for schools to look to' problems at home' first and our experience (through all parts of the country)has been to get private testing and out of school teaching is the only way. I think he is probably on the age edge for testing yet though.

ToffeeWhirl · 27/09/2013 10:37

My son was diagnosed as dyslexic at six, cjel, so it can be done. Turned out to be an incorrect diagnosis, mind you, but it was the beginning of the 'pathway of diagnosis' for us.

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 10:43

Look mumto. There is nothing wrong with seeking help, it looks like you need it! Seeking help will not harm but probably improve things. Isent that what you want. If you think he is on the spectrum, don't just sit teir doing nothing, you have to seek help. In the long run you are doing your ds no favours by ignoring it, if he does have a sn that could be helped!

MerryMarigold · 27/09/2013 10:46

YABU. I'm pretty harsh and I wouldn't do this.

If punishments are not working, what makes you think this will?

Something is up imo. Kids generally behave badly because of:
a. Poor boundaries
b. Something is making them unhappy

Perhaps he is struggling academically or being bullied, or has a genuine problem like dyslexia/ dyspraxia/ adhd which can make being at school very difficult and comes out in frustration/ anger/ rudeness.

MerryMarigold · 27/09/2013 10:48

PS. My son was uncharacteristically difficult in Reception. Turned out there was A LOT going on. Threats and punishments like this would have made his life even more miserable.

MerryMarigold · 27/09/2013 10:51

Sorry for multi-posting.

I would re-instate the party and explain why. Then talk to him about how he is feeling. A lot. Plus the advice on a good chat about behaviour at the party. Things may start coming out, you will have to read between the lines quite a bit too.

Mooycow · 27/09/2013 10:56

I am a great believer in following through with a warning/ consequence. However if this punishment does not sit right with you then maybe it was a little harsh.
Make it an achievable punishment on a daily basis,ie, if you do not behave at school today then no tv/games/computer etc tonight. Also make a big deal out of all the positives DAILY ,remember he is only 6

pigletmania · 27/09/2013 11:06

I would follow through, but if his behaviour does improve he can have te party. If it continues, tan no party. I would also sit down talk to him, find out if teir s anything happening at school, seeking help if you believe he's on the spectrum

YouHaveAGoodPoint · 27/09/2013 12:10

My kids were raised by my husband and I AND our Nintendo .
I allowed them to play for a hour a day from quite a young age. They absolutely loved it and would do anything to maintain the 'privilege' of being allowed to play.

If they were naughty I would, after the appropriate warning, ban them for playing for a day and if they continued I would increase the amount of days.
It was such a powerful motivation for them that it really helped them focus their minds.

I used to set a timer for 55 minutes when they stared to play so that they had a 5 minute warning before they had to finish. If they then complained when it was time to turn the computer off it was an automatic ban for the next day and any further complaining would result in a week ban. It was harsh but they were good as gold

I quite often let them earn back any lost time by chores or good behaviour

I know this would not work for every family and that a lot of people hate the idea of letting young kids play computer everyday but it really worked for our boys AND our girls. You have to work out what motivates your child.

I did also use the naughty step.

( BTW , my DCs are now young adults and we still play some of Nintendo games we played when they were preschoolers such as Tetris and Bomberman. )

ClockWatchingLady · 27/09/2013 12:38

Hi MumtoJacob.

I haven't read the whole thread so apologies if this is repetitive/irrelevant.

I think you're doing a great job by doing exactly what you said you would do. I think this is incredibly difficult and I'm all admiration that you're doing it.
To not carry this threat through would, in IMHO, probably be much worse for him than having a smaller birthday celebration. Whether you "should" have threatened this in the first place is only really a helpful question for future scenarios - not this one. To me it sounds a reasonable thing to have done anyway.
The fact that you clearly love him, show him this, and will continue to do so, is what matters. Emotional support and discipline are separate (albeit related) things. Good on you, and good luck!

Mojavewonderer · 27/09/2013 13:55

Well done you for doing the right thing and following through with your threat. I don't think you should hold any kind of party though because that will be seen as giving in and he will behave badly again after the 'smaller' party.

You should say 'If he sorts out his behaviour and doesn't get into trouble where you are called in to see the teacher then maybe next year he will get a party'
I have 3 children and I have never been called into see the teacher because of bad behaviour and 1 of my children has autism which can be seen as 'just being naughty'
It is not acceptable behaviour and your child needs to learn the hard way. Good luck.

lisylisylou · 27/09/2013 14:43

I couldn't threaten something like that. My ds at 6 was hardwork and is very deep and always whining,tantrums etc. he still is hardwork the school last year have put him through an arts and sound course with a psychotherapist and it has been fantastic for him. He turned to me after the 3rd session and said 'the lady says I am very sensitive and takes everyone's feelings as my own' he then went onto say 'I never wanted to tell you my problems because I thought they would hurt you and make you sad'. It broke my heart to think my own son couldn't come and confide in me and I can't imagine how lonely he felt. I've also been putting the kids 30 minutes earlier as I realised he was shattered through the day. The difference this has made in him has been huge plus i've been giving him a bit more freedom and choice. the other thing ive been doing is writing his behaviour down as only yesterday morning i felt bad that he'd done 6 things brilliantly and i only focused on the 1 bad thing that had gOne wrong. ive been finding that because my ds has been hardwork I've only been looking for the bad. Start writing it down and it might clarify how bad he really is. If the party is cancelled then I would expect a lot more extreme behaviour but I would give him the chance to earn it back. Good luck

kiriwawa · 27/09/2013 16:10

MumtoJacob - I found it much easier to deal with DS's behaviour once I knew there was a reason behind it - it's made me a lot more patient and a lot more forgiving (and his behaviour has improved as a result).

Obviously, there may not be anything behind your DS's behaviour at all but asking for input from your school Senco/CAMHS may help you rule out certain things. Feeling at the end of your tether and not knowing what to do next is horrible.

farewellfarewell · 28/09/2013 13:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sugarplum18 · 07/04/2018 12:42

i am sorry but i think you are being unreasonable, i think you need to find out why he is behaving in such a way maybe he is being bullied at school. There might be an underlying reason he is behaving this way

RunYouJuiceBitch · 07/04/2018 13:47

sugarplum All this happened four or five years ago. The boy in question will be 10 or 11 now! Hope he's doing okay.

sugarplum18 · 07/04/2018 19:37

sorry did not check the date

cherish123 · 07/04/2018 19:39

Good on you. Lots of parents would have gone ahead and that's why children are not learning to behave. You are punishing him for bad behaviour, which is right.

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