To have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party

[MumtoJacob]

I think I have done the right thing, but I feel truly awful. I have cancelled my son's 6th birthday party because of discraceful behaviour both at home and at school. I have had his teacher talk to me four times already this term, twice this week, about his attitude. When he is corrected for misbehaving, he is rude and disrespectful to his teachers. He has told them he doesn't care if he is in trouble and he is so defiant.

He is really out of control at the moment and has been warned many times that he will not have his party if it continues. We have never had a party for him before as they are so expensive, and had said both children could have one on their 6th birthdays. He has looked forward to it for a long time, but the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour. Nor have the rewards and praise for his good behaviour on good days and his treats for earning house points or other positive achievements.

He doesn't know yet. I am waiting for his Dad to get home so we can sit him down and talk through why we have had to cancel it. AIBU to cancel the party?

Sorry if I've missed an important update, but when you say that his GPs have said they feel the party is too much of a treat to let him have it after the bad behaviour, I am left wondering about a few things.
What has he done that is so bad his party needs to be cancelled? Has he really hurt someone? Or is it just that the party was being used as a ward for "being good"?
"Being good" is such a difficult thing to aspire to. It can be vague and it can be difficult to maintain.
Also, i am not used to having that level of involvement from my family. So I am struggling to see how your PILs have so much say in this matter.
My DCs are still very small so I haven't had to manage this kind of thing. But I do know that I like to trust my own instincts (negotiating with dh ) and that I would always prefer to be a little too lenient than too harsh. Even if that means sometimes back peddling furiously a tad.

the threat of cancelling hasn't made a difference to his behaviour

I guess you threatened so you had to follow thru.
I wouldn't bother with that kind of threat again, though. Since it doesn't make a difference. Threats are only worthwhile if they tend to achieve something.
Big Change of tack required, for sure.

Well, he'll never forget his 6th birthday, will he?

I would never tie bad behaviour at school to a celebration of being six. It doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's just a futile gesture because you feel out of control ( which I totally understand). It won't change him, it won't change his behaviour (especially if there are underlying issues with it).

Like someone else said, he's never had a party. I find this quite sad and even sadder that his one party is being taken away with a baying mob of relatives all in agreement that he is indeed the bad boy in the family and must be punished. I wouldn't ask them- what is it to do with them how you parent your small boy?

I would let him earn the party back and give him the party anyway. Parties are not dependent on behaviour to me, far too long-term and I can't come to terms with cancelling a celebration of a child's life really, it doesn't sit well with me (but would cancel playing round friends/extra time on computer/staying up late quite happily).

I agree that the GPs should butt out. I had family members telling me DS1 just needed a good smack . Naturally, I didn't follow their advice, but if I had it wouldn't have worked, the trust between us would have been broken and he would have been black and blue.

Young children can't articulate what is wrong in their life, so they demonstrate it through their behaviour. You have to be a detective, op, and find out what is going on. A positive step would be to seek professional help through CAMHS.

Oh, and I'm afraid you'll need to grow a thick skin. I expect just reading some of the responses on this thread is upsetting. When your child behaves differently from most other children, the finger is usually pointed at the parents first. You sound like a very caring mum, but one who is at the end of her tether and not receiving any proper support from school or family.

If I were you, I would reframe the 'punishment' of no birthday party into a more positive move towards finding a birthday that suits your son. You could explain to him that he is obviously finding some things difficult and you realise a big party would be very stressful for him, so you are going to arrange something more suitable. I would definitely emphasise to him that you are doing your best to help him, not punish him.

Random, they will be with adults, at school or with other adults. I agree to disagree. What if your Chid is hitting another child, do you just sit back and do nothing? No you remove them and punish them appropriately! They have to know that there are consequences. I just don't believe in al, ths woo parenting

It depends on the child's ability to control his behaviours if he needs to be taught the skills to control his emotions, threats of future consequences just lead to failure. Instant consequence with looking at triggers and teaching other coping techniques. Otherwise it is if you are naughty you will lose your party and then it is yes you are as naughty as I think and the rest of the family and you have lost your party. OP sounds lovely and is been pushed to her limits and I am sure the OP means this is his first big party, they still celebrate the DC birthdays.

When I say he has never had a party, I mean a party at a venue that he is inviting a large number of friends to. He has always had a party in the sense that we put on a tea and invite family and close frinds, have a cake and celebration. He will still have that this year.

If his behaviour improves over the next couple of weeks, we will perhaps do something smaller with his friends.

He is very much loved, by us and his extended family. They do not tell him off. They are just a listening ear for us as they see what we go through.

We haven't sought help because we have only wondered about aspergers. We are not sure he is on the spectrum and seeking help is not a decision made lightly. S

I think we would need a bit more information about his behaviour.
From the original post I assumed his behaviour has been really appalling, otherwise op would not have felt it necessary to threaten cancelling the party.

Having the teacher speaking to her 4 times in 3 weeks shows there is something big going on there. I am sure op and the school are on to it.

I could imagine cancelling this party if my son displayed really bad behaviour consistently at school and at home. There are things I just would never accept (e.g. violence towards other children or teachers) and which would make me so cross that I would not feel inclined to host a social get together for him, as he can clearly not behave in a socially acceptable way.

Thankfully I have never been in a situation like this, but one of my children has been on the receiving end of physical violence at school in year 1, and the parents had a really soft approach and nothing changed (child moved class and left school in year2).

Do you really think his behaviour is going to improve in two weeks time?

Do you think that he can maintain good behaviour for any length of time?

If nothing you are doing is helping, then you need to get professional help.

When I say he has never had a party, I mean a party at a venue that he is inviting a large number of friends to. He has always had a party in the sense that we put on a tea and invite family and close frinds, have a cake and celebration. He will still have that this year.

If his behaviour improves over the next couple of weeks, we will perhaps do something smaller with his friends.

He is very much loved, by us and his extended family. They do not tell him off. They are just a listening ear for us as they see what we go through.

We haven't sought help because we have only recently wondered about aspergers. We are not sure he is on the spectrum and seeking an assessment is not a decision made lightly. Since being at school we have had to face the possibilty that there is an issue. His behaviour in reception was similar but didn't start until his 2nd term.

Hi MumToJacob

Am pleased to hear he will still have some birthday celebrations with friends and family this year.

Regarding seeking expert help and advice ... you don't have to know whether he is or even might be on the autistic spectrum to seek some advice. They are the experts and will be happy to help you either way.
All you have to know is that his behaviour is causing problems for him and others both at home and at school, and you would like some help and support in finding good strategies for helping him. HTH
Don't hold back from asking for this as the support is there if you ask for it.

YANBU If he genuinely doesn't care about most of your punishments then you need to find something important that he does value. This party may well be one such thing. Even if he doesn't show it, it is a big consequence and sends the message that you are serious.

I use different consequences for my DC as they both value different things.

Can you get some more books on his emotions as, I agree with others, you need to find the root cause. It could be jealously of his "good" younger sister. That caused problems when mine were younger now they're older, its reversed . Try allowing him to do things and make a fuss it is because he is "older" and his sister is not allowed. Also make an issue of how special he is because he is able to achieve things (age related) his younger sister can't - not within her earshot though.

Good luck. Keep perservering with the love bombing. That did work for us. He may well settle. It is still early days adapting to the structure of school. It does need nipping in the bud though.

MumtoJacob I think one of the other posters actually had a very sensible suggestion which is to frame this more as: you are obviously finding it all a bit overwhelming at the moment, so a smaller home party will be better.

However, it sounds like all of this will be irrelevant to how he behaves anyway. I'm sure his behaviour won't improve will it, because threatening to remove the most important thing of all to him hasn't improved it. It doesn't sound like straightforward naughtiness, or perhaps it is, but either way, this has been an ineffective sanction and I hope you do get some help with how to go forward with him from the school. My friends who have a very difficult defiant child swear by 123 Magic where the consequence is immediate, the warning standard and children with big issues seem to understand this system well.

If it's four weeks away, how about giving him the chance to earn it back?

So, you can explain that because of his behaviour, he's lost his party but he'll still have a cake and presents.

If his behaviour improves, you will take him to a soft play on the day. If it stays consistently good he can bring a few friends and so on.

Let him focus on achieving the party he wants through his good behaviour?

Mum, I'm afraid that I haven't read all the posts but from your original post I wouldn't cancel the party. He sounds as if he is very sad to be living with that much defiance at such a young age,
I can't imagine how hard it must be for you and can only say that IME he sounds as if a big party will really boost his self esteem.
I would suggest that you try and work with the school to see if they can offer any support. has this just been going on recently I wondered about something like dyslexia?
Hope you find a way that works for you.
If you haven't cancelled yet can you reconsider?

If you feel you need professional help then seek it early. The earlier anything like that is diagnosed, the better support he will have and greater understanding. I know families where they haven't sought help, because they have hoped it will settle down or because they were embarrassed and didn't want their child labeled. Not good outcomes.

Op is emotionally abusive and her son cant meet her standards???get a grip! Children do need to learn comsequences of behaviour. Op clearly loves her son and isnt cruel.

MumofJacob - forgive me if I'm telling you all the stuff you already know, but I just wanted to share this with you. This is the reward chart I used for my boys. It's important to use it with both your children, including the well-behaved one. My boys loved the spooky castle. There is also an underwater reward chart on the website if your DD would prefer that.

There used to be little cut-out figures that you could move up the chart, but I can't see them on the website anymore. I cut out photos of my sons' faces and stuck them on the figures. They thought this was hilarious.

Identify one or two behaviours that you want to work on with your son (and daughter) at home. Don't include school behaviour because that is down to the teacher to manage, not you (and you shouldn't punish your son for his behaviour at school either).

The notes suggest that your child can move down the chart for bad behaviour, as well as up the chart for good behaviour. I disagree with that myself and would never move my child down the chart, only up.

The best thing about doing this reward chart was that it stopped me focusing on my son's difficult behaviour. I ignored his bad behaviour (except for certain things, such as hitting, which gained instant time out) and focused only on the good stuff. I made a big fuss every time one of the children moved up the chart for good behaviour and I also surprised them with little presents sometimes, eg a comic each because they had reached a certain part of the chart.

It is hard work for the parent to stick at reward charts, so they can only be used for a short time. Make it fun. Give lots of praise. And remember that this is for behaviour at home, not school. You are not responsible for your son's behaviour at school - the teacher is.

I like waltermitty's idea - positive behaviour management regarding the party could work really well. ie the kind of party he has will depend on how well he can behave between now and then, but with a more positive angle on things.

I think it is way too early to say this "sanction" or whatever you call it - had no effect.
He will care about the cancelled party, even though he says he doesn't.
It may be that his behaviour will improve because he takes you seriously after you followed through with your threat.
You mentioned he doesn't accept authority, maybe this shows him that his actions do have consequences.

Children with Aspergers need clear boundaries. Being on the spectrum would explain some of his behaviour, but it doesn't make it acceptable. So I struggle to understand the calls for help INSTEAD of consequences. Surely both are needed?

This is a 6 year old. I don't think the punishment is appropriate for his age.
If there are SENCO issues, then the punishment is certainly inappropriate.
If there are no SENCO issues, then there must be something else going on. Your efforts to manage his behaviour are not working. Go to parenting classes, read parenting books, work out a better strategy. Try communicating more effectively with him.
I really don't see how cancelling a party could ever be appropriate for a 6 year old.
Maybe different for an older child but 6 - no way.

(My oldest ds is 7 btw so I do have recent exp of this age group)

I also see no problem in backtracking - I often do this if in the heat of the moment I make a ridiculous threat.

I just explain that I was angry and I should never have threatened that in the first place and then talk with them to agree a more appropriate punishment. I think that approach helps teach them that adults can get it wrong when they are angry but can be reasoned with.

Being a kid can be hard when you have no control ever.....

I wouldn't have threatened such a big consequence in the first place... Too much pressure and if he does wrong, huge huge consequence and I just couldn't do that to my child. As one prev poster said, what next, cancel Christmas, life??!!
Change it round and say, he's been in trouble, he has no TV and early to bed as he obviously must be exhausted due to back to school, keep after school activities to a minimum.
Tell him your job as a parent is to look after him and part of that is ensuring he gets enough rest food and a good education. That he will be happier when he is behaving well at school. Tell him you have a fairly low key party planned which you know he will be good for and everyone will enjoy.
Also cut him some slack with minor things and give up on big punishments and lectures.... Keep it simple.

wow, just finished reading the whole thread. many conflicting views and ideas on here!!!

i'm putting myself pretty firmly in the YABU camp, for a lot of the reasons stated below.

OP... IF there is a chance your child is on the spectrum, then rewards/punishments like this simply do NOT work. Personally, even if it's just a suspicion you have, I would say that this way of parenting is worth putting on the back burner for the time being. It may be that he is not ASD, but if he is, then this could potentially be quite damaging for him

My 8.5 yr old has ASD. He simply cannot cope with "if you're good for x amount of time you can have Y"
Even if Y is something he desperately, desperately wants.

because he CANNOT always control his own behaviour. He knows he can't, he knows that he explodes easily, he knows he is sometimes behaving irrationally, but he still does not have the ability to spot this before it happens and to control it.
A 6 yr old with Aspergers/ASD/HFA almost certainly will not be able to stop himself from behaving like this.

And so.... they know they will not get the treat. The know that however hard they try they will fail. And you end up with a child who sees no point in trying, because even when they do their very best they end up getting punished.

It breaks my heart being told by DS1's teacher that he has shouted at someone or been rude or pushed someone... DS1's version of events is usually along the lines of "I tried for a really long time to stay calm, I managed it for a long time but then I filled up and I couldn't stop"

Add to this the fact that a child with ASD is unable to read social cues and non-verbal communication and you find that what you actually have is a child who truly believes that their response is utterly appropriate for the situation and who doesn't understand what they have done wrong.
If you don't know you've done or are doing something wrong then how can you change?

Your son is 6. He needs help with this regardless of whether he is on the spectrum or not. He is clearly struggling with something and he needs the adults in his life to help him recognise and cope with it.

I'd advise seeing his class teacher and SENCO and voicing your concerns and seeing if they can help come up with some strategies for helping him get less stressed at school... I hand on heart believe that if you can take some of the stress away you will see an improvement in his behaviour

I think it is incredibly harsh to cancel your DS's party when you have wondered about whether he may have Aspergers!

DS1 has Aspergers, so I do understand how difficult it is to know what to do for the best. However, if he does later get a diagnosis, you will have to live with the fact that you punished him for something that he ultimately cannot help or control.

When he behaves badly in a social situation, such as with you rather than at school, relate it back to the party:

You said that I was an idiot and you wanted to kill me. You threw your bags at me, you threw rubbish at me, bottles off the floor, whilst shouting all the way. We have talked about you having a party at Bob's soft play for your birthday. If you went to someone's birthday party, and they shouted at you, or threw bottles at you, would you want to be their friend? Would you want to stay at the party?

Focus on the behaviour, not the child - so they might want to leave the party, not stop being friends with him. It sounds odd, but could you have something to give him to signify his emotions? When I hold this red plastic spoon I am angry, when I hold this blue one I am sad etc? It would give him a non-physical means of expressing his emotions and feelings, and give you chance to praise him when he does that.

Others have mentioned the "talk so children will listen" book, which has some good techniques for the next step - how you handle the conversation with the "child with the spoon" to find out why he's feeling what he is.