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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

230 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:08

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

OP posts:
Bambamb · 07/09/2013 18:10

YANBU. I would be upset at this. Just call and ask? And make it clear that if you go your DD gas to go too.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 07/09/2013 18:10

You need to ask or just send back an acceptance that names you both

OddBoots · 07/09/2013 18:11

Don't guess, ask them. People get easily middled and mistakes are easily made when planning gatherings. I can see why your upset but it is worth checking that it's not just an oversight.

Bambamb · 07/09/2013 18:11

Yes good idea, feign ignorance.

Snoopingforsoup · 07/09/2013 18:12

Ask if it was an oversight first.

It probably is.

Amy106 · 07/09/2013 18:12

I would double check on this. It could simply be a mistake. If not, make it clear that is both of you attending or none at all.

catkind · 07/09/2013 18:13

Are they aware you will still be fostering dd at the time of the party? My first thought was perhaps they think it's a short term arrangement, but I don't know your situation or how much you've talked to gps about it. Could you just give them a call and find out?

FamiliesShareGerms · 07/09/2013 18:14

Yes, just get in touch and say that you assume that the invite includes DD and you would both be delighted to attend

MairzyDoats · 07/09/2013 18:15

I'm confused - are your DD's parents your aunt and uncle?

Sparklymommy · 07/09/2013 18:15

What catkind said.

OnTheBottomWithAWomensWeekly · 07/09/2013 18:17

They haven't met her, and its a fairly new arrangement. I think you're being harsh. It doesn't mean she isn't invited, perhaps they forgot about her or maybe they didn't know her surname, or if she is using yours, and didn't know what to write...
Honestly, why assume nefarious motives? Stupidity or thoughtlessness is usually the answer rather than malice.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:30

Aunt and uncle are aware that this is a long term arrangement, next step is to apply for special guardianship. DD going back to her mother at this point is incredibly unlikely, for reasons I won't go into. The grandparents whom the party is for have met DD a couple of times and my aunt is very close to them, so they're not unaware of her by any means IYSWIM.

My aunt and uncle aren't DD's parents, no, no biological relation between DD and my family. I'll give my aunt a call tonight and ask if DD is invited.

OP posts:
jelliebelly · 07/09/2013 18:47

I bet they've just forgotten about her

SarahAndFuck · 07/09/2013 18:56

Calling and checking is a good idea, they have probably made a mistake.

But I would still send an acceptance with her name on it as well as yours.

Retroformica · 07/09/2013 19:10

Well she's fairly new and they might have forgotten. Just tell them in your RSVP that you are planning to bring along SD and how you are both looking forward to the meal.

thefuturesnotourstosee · 07/09/2013 19:55

Just tell them. Do you have any reason to think they've missed her out intentionally? Are they generally malicious or sometimes just a bit thoughtless? Most likely its the latter and when you talk to them they'll be mortified.

Hope it gets sorted OP

piratecat · 07/09/2013 19:58

just ask them

lunar1 · 07/09/2013 20:01

Hope it's just a misunderstanding and she is invited.

SPBisResisting · 07/09/2013 20:05

I suspect theyve not thought rather than been mean. I hope anyway

Itstartshere · 07/09/2013 20:36

I think some families are massively shit with things like this. They hope that if they don't address the issue (i.e invite her) it will go away. Hope you make it clear to them that you'll only go if she can come, it would be tremendously hurtful if you went without her.

People really don't think.

WaitMonkey · 07/09/2013 21:02

Did you ring them ?

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 23:25

She is not invited. I think I may have accidentally sparked off an international incident Blush

OP posts:
PorkPieandPickle · 07/09/2013 23:29

Sorry to hear that OP, why isn't she invited?

nancy75 · 07/09/2013 23:29

I really thought you were going to come back and say they left her off because of something silly like they couldn't remember her name and didn't like to ask.
Why isn't she invited? Are other children going?

MarysDressSways · 07/09/2013 23:30

What was their reason for that?? Awful behaviour. Are you still going to go?