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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

230 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:08

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 08/09/2013 08:07

the bit that annoys me most is that it's a party for your gps but your aunt hasn't invited people who your gps would love to be there.
so really it's just a party for your aunt.

pp, not only would I take DD with me, byt I would also invite the people that you feel gave been missed off. make the rsvp your address.

I can't imagine that your aunt would turn people away, especially as they can say they've been invited.

MoreThanWords · 08/09/2013 08:19

As an aside, be prepared for similar thoughtlessness to continue even after you've got the SGO. I still (after four years) get asked "Is the little one still with you?".

auntpetunia · 08/09/2013 08:32

I just knew she was going to say you DD wasn't invited as she wasn't "family ". Speak direct to grandparents and your parents and tell them what you've been told. Aunty sounds like a cow.

AngelinaCongleton · 08/09/2013 08:42

That's pretty selfish. I'd say dd and I will pop in to the party for 20 mins "to say hi, so we don't overload the grandparents". Only a prize idiot would not relent in the face of being shown up like that.

AngelinaCongleton · 08/09/2013 08:43

"As we couldn't miss such a special occasion, thanks so much for organising"

AcrylicPlexiglass · 08/09/2013 08:51

How awful. I would be very angry too. I think you should completely stick to the plan of not going unless your daughter is invited. Make it absolutely clear that you will not be able to go unless she is welcome too. Once you've made this crystal clear don't discuss it any further as there is no room whatsoever for compromise here. It's a shame that your grandparents will miss out on having you and your daughter at their gathering but you can always go round separately later. Definitely do not under any circumstances take her along to the event if they don't invite her. It's too much of a gamble. People who are cruel enough to exclude a child in this way may well have to brass neck to confront you about bringing her and she could feel devastated if she hears that happen.

Can't your dad intervene? They're his parents too, after all!

Blu · 08/09/2013 09:01

Good grief! She thinks she can guilt trip you by telling you how upset your gps will be without considering how upsetting her horrible exclusion is?

How is your mum in the midst of all this? I can't imagine she would feel great on the day of the party saying to your DD 'Vienna and I are off to a party with all the family we are leaving you with a babysitter!' Or think it remotely possible that you would agree to that.

If your Mum, or Dad, especially your Dad as it is his family. are likely to be understanding, I would talk it all through with them and decide the best way to get the aunt to realize how preposterous she is being .

In the long run it will be best if this can be dealt with without a long lasting feud, but if they won't co operate ther is no way at all I would go without your Dd. which probably means I would visit your Mum at a different time.

People are such fuckers.

GrinchAnInch · 08/09/2013 09:26

I would twist it around on them, Tell them when your grandparents are upset you couldn't attend that they can explain why ! How mean will they look that they excluded a little girl from a family gathering.

cantreachmytoes · 08/09/2013 09:29

This is horrible!

If I was organising, your DD would be coming. What I'm wondering though is if they really understand that your DD is exactly that and not your "foster child". Even if they have form for being insensitive, they may not understand. I say this as someone who doesn't know what a SGO is or how long a child can be fostered or where the line is between SGO and adoption. I'm not asking anyone to explain it to me, just pointing out that I don't know, so I'm probably not the only one.

I'm NOT excusing their behaviour. Even if DD was a friend's 8 year old daughter you had to look after on that day, it would be normal for her to attend, especially as there are other children, as she's 8: what else could happen? They're being ridiculous and mean.

LovesBeingOnHoliday · 08/09/2013 09:35

I wouldn't be going without her either, ffs how much room do Tgey think she'll take up? Or is it about attention?

allhappyfamiliesarealike · 08/09/2013 09:36

The only problem with just turning up with your DD is that they might make it clear that she isn't welcome. I wouldn't put your DD in that position, so you need to sort it out beforehand. Never underestimate how mean-spirited people can be towards vulnerable children.

acer12 · 08/09/2013 09:37

I would go and take dd with you. She is family . The party is for you DG not your aunty, not aunty so fuck her!

acer12 · 08/09/2013 09:39

Maybe you could tell everyone in the family what aunty has done do they all know she is a cunt. Who the hell would leave a vulnerable child that needs embracing in to a family more then ever, out!?

Jinty64 · 08/09/2013 09:43

I wouldn't go but would send a lovely card to be read out at the party letting your Grandparents know how much you would have loved to be there but that you couldn't leave your little girl.

Inertia · 08/09/2013 09:52

That's awful.

As other posters have said , there is a danger that if you take dd she might be made to feel unwelcome. One option might be to tell your aunt that you cannot go without your dd, but to allay upset to your grandparents you will call them once the party is underway and explain that you are sorry you can't be there but you cannot attend as your daughter was banned from attending. That might shame your aunt.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee · 08/09/2013 10:01

Oh I would be incredibly blunt. If your brothers DC are invited I would phone up and ask why his are and your DD isn't. Then, irrespective of the answer, I would turn up with DD, it is your Grandparents celebration, not your aunts. Grrrrrrrr.

TeaAndABiscuit · 08/09/2013 10:05

I would let the grandparents ask why you weren't there. What way can they spin their decision without looking like ar**holes.

SarahAndFuck · 08/09/2013 10:08

I was worried this might be the case.

I would still send that reply card accepting the invitation in both of your names and saying that your DD is looking forward to her great-grandparents party.

If their other great-grandchildren are invited, DD is invited.

LoveSewingBee · 08/09/2013 10:09

How sad. Could your DM talk to your aunt? Of course you can't go without dd, she would feel so excluded.

If your dm cannot help maybe have a chat with your GP they are probably totally unaware of all this nastiness.

ginslinger · 08/09/2013 10:14

this is so distressing for you - I would write to your GPs explaining that you can't come without your DD but wish them well for their day. And then wait.

Pimpf · 08/09/2013 10:15

Sorry, I would go and make it clear that your dd will be joining you. End of.

This is very different to a no children request. Your db's child is going, so is yours

MrsDeVere · 08/09/2013 10:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SeaSickSal · 08/09/2013 10:24

I have to say I think this is a difficult situation for the family too. Obviously the Grandad is and they have genuine reasons for curtailing the guest list. I can understand that they really will need to keep children to a minimum, the last thing he will need is squads of kids running around.

But I think the difficulty here is that some other people's children are not invited. These will be children who will presumably have known the grandparents since they were born and know them fairly well. As such I think that this creates a bit of a minefield for everybody, as DD has only been around for a couple of months, isn't blood related and has only met them a couple of times I think that politically it may cause problems with the other parents if she does go.

But inviting no kids at all would presumably exclude children who are very close to them and really should be there.

I think it's been handled really badly but I do feel sorry for the party organizers too, it's a difficult position to be put in bearing in mind the circumstances. To be honest if I was in this position I think I would recognize this difficulty and accept that on this one occasion it might be best if I could organize alternative childcare.

MrsDeVere · 08/09/2013 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MinesAPintOfTea · 08/09/2013 10:46

SeaSick we are talking about a single 8 year old here, who needs her foster family to make sure she feels happy and secure much more than a birth child would.

They should just grit their teeth and invite her, and keep the rule "great-grandchildren only". Its not that hard. Actually they shouldn't need to grit their teeth, they should realise its the gracious thing to do and do it with a smile.