Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

230 replies

InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 18:08

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 07/09/2013 23:32

Why isn't she invited? I can't think of any reason why it would be acceptable not to invite her unless other children are not invited but you already said your brothers dc is invited.

cookielove · 07/09/2013 23:34

How can she not be invited?

Ifcatshadthumbs · 07/09/2013 23:35

Did they say why she isn't invited? I would decline the invite given that other children have been invited.

raggedymum · 07/09/2013 23:35

That doesn't seem right. Did they say why?

nickelbabe · 07/09/2013 23:35

that's really mean.of them.I am hoping it's because they think she won't be with you by then.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 07/09/2013 23:39

What? Why?? You have GOT to be kidding me.

lunar1 · 07/09/2013 23:42

What in earth reason did they give?

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 23:50

They want to keep the event as low key as possible as my granddad has been ill- they're limiting the guest list hugely apparently. Only children of 'immediate' family are invited- my niece, aunt and uncles own dcs, and a few more cousins- as far as I can tell the only other children left off the guest list are those of my grandparents' nieces and nephews. Bizarrely my cousins on my mum's side (children of my mum's sister invited because she will be visiting from abroad) are invited. So it's not really a limited guest list at all, it's just without close friends of my grandparents, great nieces and nephews and DD. I'm fuming.

OP posts:
Lj8893 · 07/09/2013 23:52

That's an awful excuse. Your dd is as much "immediate family" as your brothers dd.

I'm disgusted for you and your dd.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 07/09/2013 23:54

That's not on at all. And it hardly sounds like a 'low key' event with so many people there!

Tell them calmly that if your DD is not able to come then regretfully neither are you. And don't listen to any excuses about you making things difficult. They are being thoughtless at best and unkind at worst.

Wonderstuff · 07/09/2013 23:55

Sad that's crap. Can anyone be made to see the light?

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 07/09/2013 23:55

It's not the first time they've behaved insensitively- they've never done anything on this scale before though. I said I wasn't going without dd- aunt pointed out how upset my grandparents would be if I wasn't there Angry

OP posts:
Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 07/09/2013 23:59

And make sure other people know why you aren't coming. Don't let them get away with making out that you just couldn't make the date or be bothered.

Still can't get over their idea of what constitutes a 'low key' event. Clue: if you have to send a postal invitation, it's not low key.

FetchezLaVache · 08/09/2013 00:01

" Your dd is as much "immediate family" as your brothers dd "

^^ This.

You're not looking after her for a couple of weeks, this is years, probably forever, and you were quite right to say you won't go without dd.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 08/09/2013 00:03

I'd be tempted to show up, with your DD of course, and effectively dare them to say anything. If you could get some of the rest of your family to front it out with you (your brother and his family?) they couldn't really do anything. I'm only suggesting this so that you could actually go to your grandparents' do - otherwise I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of you going after this.

EduCated · 08/09/2013 00:05

I would, in all seriousness, just turn up with her on the day.

TheYoniWayIsUp · 08/09/2013 00:07

Did you point out to her that it will be her fault they're upset? If it's important enough to you to be there for your GPs, then just take her anyway. I'd like to see your aunt turn her away at the door.

BlackMogul · 08/09/2013 00:08

No , Vienna, not you, them! I find it incredible that this should happen! What is their problem with you bringing DD?

nancy75 · 08/09/2013 00:08

I would tell them I am not missing the party and im not leaving dd at home. Take her with you and if they don't like it let them tell you why in front of the rest of the family.

Original poster
InViennaWeWerePoetry · 08/09/2013 00:09

The worst of it is dd and I will be staying at my mums during the weekend of the party- so surely that at least puts DD in the same bracket as the cousins on my mum's side? Confused

They don't really do low key snazzy, their motto in life is go all out.

That's it exactly fetchez- they haven't really grasped the concept of it being a long-term arrangement. My aunt is arguing that somehow numbers need to be limited and DD isn't as close to my grandparents- that would be because she's been with me for not quite 4 months. Which surely gives her more of a right to be at the party than the 2 month old baby invited, if we're going to play that game Grin

OP posts:
Ifcatshadthumbs · 08/09/2013 00:10

Actually I take it back as the party is for your grandparents you should turn up with your dd. I doubt your aunt could turn her away without looking like a bitch on the day

nancy75 · 08/09/2013 00:12

What a bastard. They don't own your grandparents. Is the party in their house or somewhere else?

Lj8893 · 08/09/2013 00:12

I would send an RSVP for you and your dd. and then turn up on the day with her.

Wonderstuff · 08/09/2013 00:16

What does your mum say? Can she explain slowly the nature of you DDs relationship to you and the extended family, could it be they just live in quite a small world and just don't get it?

wellieboots · 08/09/2013 00:33

Oh OP, I often think that people get a bit het up and stressed over nothing on these threads, but this is ridiculous and so Sad .

Didn't you say your brother's child is invited? So that makes any argument about "immediate family" stupid because if your brother's child is immediate family, so is yours!