To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

Yes if I were op I would take dd round to family to get to know each other, of course but no hesitation of cutting ties if they become toxic towards her!

Op, here's my thoughts.
The party is for your grandparents - they would want DD there.
They would want you there too.
All your other family would want DD there too (I presume ...)
How necessary is it for DD to build a relationship with your aunt? I'm guessing you' 're not that fussed about that anymore.
Not sure why your aunt needs to be talked round. She needs to be told your DD is going and that everyone wants her there. Is everyone scared of this woman? Surely such an event is family affair and not just down to one person to make final decisions?
I also think DD should not know about this and this aunt needs to know she is behaving appallingly. How would she feel if she were the excluded one? Tell her. No pleading for a change of heart. DD goes. End of story.

If this was my family, the aunt would have her ass handed to her on a plate.

It's just plain nasty to exclude a child because the DNA doesn't match.

I totally agree Rowlers dd is going end of! That is what Aunt needs to know, or grandparents are told if this. Bloody hell do not pander to that woman

It is all to do with biology, as a baby of a cousin is going, not on op not on.

Dione family ties are built to an extent by everyone being together at big family occasions (birthdays, weddings, christenings, funerals). Children are taken to these events partly to bring them into the family, how is the OP's DD supposed to feel part of an extended family that excludes her? And how are they supposed to feel she is family if she is never at family events?

OP I hope your father helped your aunt see sense.

I don't think any of your family should go until this bloody woman apologises for being such a plank.

Wasn't't referring to your family Maryz.
Just what do your family think, Op?
Would they be cross on your behalf or would they share your Aunt's view?

Bloody hell Maryz that is disgraceful. There ar some twisted and sick people in the world. What do your children think of it all

If they won't budge, i would happily send a message to your gps saying sorry you can't go to their party, but you cannot possibly leave your dd with babysitters at this stage.

And fuck their surprise.

I think you simply apologize politely, and say you can't get childcare. True, and something others will probably have to do.

Yanbu

Good on your dd why should she be friends with your dh sister on Facebook, when she treats your dd like crap. Stupid woman!

I'm in the 'brazen it out and take her' camp.

Because I believe your aunt won't dare say a word, and everyone else will be glad to meet dd and you'll end up having a good time.

Maryz very sorry to hear your family story. You must be strong to deal with that shit!
I couldn't't personally just not go. I would have to confront this aunt. But I'm a balshy bugger not known for diplomacy and as such probably not the best person to listen to!

Exactly charity I would do the same, but tell your Aunt you both are coming, or grandparents will be told. Like a blackmail. You have to defend your dd

I totally agree Maryz, some peoples minds are so warped.

Either you and your DD go or neither of you do. And I agree that you and your brother need to present a united front. And your dad needs to tell your aunt that she is being Highly Offensive.

Anyway - this party isn't about her, it's about your grandparents.

I think a softly softly approach is not what's needed - your aunt needs a short sharp shock. If your parents and your brother and his family present a united front, she's going to realise that she's all kinds of wrong.