To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

I think you are going to have to decline the invitation. Send your GPs a gracious note to say that you are sorry to miss it but as there isn't room for DD, you aren't going to be able to come.

If you turn up with her, there may be some sort of scene or atmosphere - kids pick up on that shit quickly (particularly if they've had an insecure upbringing).

It's upsetting but not your party - therefore not really your problem if people are upset you can't come.

The only acceptable thing here is to treat the OP's DD as they would if she were the biological DD. Anything else is downright cruel.

I disagree with you seasick. The child in the OPs care has been with her a substantial period of time and should be treated as her child.

I wouldnt just bring her, I would make moves to change the invite.

yes, Mrs DeVere talks sense. I think that much as I would want to go with my original suggestion it makes far more sense to do what Mrs D says.

MrsDeVere is very wise.

You may be wise Mrs D but your owls need development

_
( o o )
(..v..)
(......)
(.) (.)

^ Mrs DV (grin)

MrsDV is 100% owl, and right.

And the child deserves and needs to be allowed her rightful place as the great grandchild of the gp. Seasick, can you really imagine telling the 8 year old, who has been through goodness knows what loss or rejection or other difficulties to be in this situation, that she isn't real family so is being left behind with a babysitter? While knoeing that all the other cousins will be there? Given that everyone will be around for Christmas?

I wouldn't be comfortable turning up with DD knowing she wasn't invited, I wouldn't put it past my aunt to kick up a fuss. I don't think she'd turn us away, but I can imagine her being fairly unpleasant, I can't put DD through that. My grandparents certainly wouldn't stand for it if they knew, the trouble is that it's a surprise party. If my grandparents knew they would do something about it, but then my aunt would know I'd ruined the surprise.

The party is being held at my aunt's house. Re the other children a lot of them are teenagers, I'm still not 100% on the other children invited but I think most of them are quite young, so maybe they're thinking only young children who won't be as comfortable being left with a babysitter. That said, my aunt knows enough about DD's history to be able to work out I wouldn't want to leave her with a babysitter at this stage either.

My dad is going to phone my aunt (his sister) and try to talk her round.

Exactly MrsDeVerre, the last thing I want to do is make it all worse long term. But then I worry this is just the start of exclusion from family events- if the problem is that DD isn't considered 'close' family, how is she ever going to be if she's always excluded from family gatherings on that basis.

SeaSickSal OK, so let's say DD is my biological child, and was born in May rather than me being made her guardian in May. She would most likely have still only met my grandparents a couple of times because I live a few hours away, and most likely wouldn't have met my aunt and her family. Would it be OK to exclude her then because there were other children who had known my grandparents longer?

Yanbu :(

You need to take a stand about it now. Hopefully your dad has some success and your aunt is reasonable.

She needs to be invited and accepted into your family as a great grandchild.

Is there any way you and your daughter could visit your grandparents (and other paternal relatives) before the party for introductions?

YANBU at all and I hope your dad is successful at talking your aunt around. I agree that anything less than wholehearted welcoming of your DD on the same basis as any other child of you or your siblings is the only acceptable solution. Turning up without her invitation confirmed, or being extended a grudging and reluctant permission to bring her, would not be good for your DD and she needs you more at the moment - if you, your dad and any other family members in your corner are unsuccessful you'll need to be far too busy (perhaps taking DD to Alton Towers or something similar) and unable to attend.

For some reason I had misread and thought DD was 2. I take back my 'just turn up' comment, it would be awful for her to pick up on any potential atmosphere that would cause.

Would it help if someone (your dad maybe) pointed out to your aunt that your grandparents will be unhappy to learn, at the party or after the fact, why you did not attend and that knowing this would likely upset them and diminish their pleasure in the celebration?

How could anyone who calls them self a human be so cruel to a child that has been through so much? Utterly shameful.

But she's your daughter, biologically or not you can't get any more immediate :(

I actually can't believe that adults would treat a vulnerable child in this way.

My brother's DD is almost 2, my DD is 8. It's highly likely I think that my aunt is going to tell my dad not inviting DD is no different than not inviting the other children She's not deliberately nasty, but can be quite thoughtless and hates admitting she's wrong.

Did I mention who's hosting Christmas this year? [despairs]

Well, she (your aunt) has a simple choice to make. You will not (cannot) attend without your dd, so unless she winds her neck in and remembers her manners and compassion and apologises invites her, your grandparents will be upset.

Her call.

and bollocks to playing Happy Families at Christmas.

OP, I think that your love, empathy and need to protect your FD are causing you to be a little insensitive to the feelings of the rest of your family.

She has been with you for 4months. That is a very short amount of time and while you see this as a permanent parental relationship, your aunt seems to be only aware of the temporary nature of fostering a child. She was wrong not to invite your DD, but you are also wrong to expect her to immediately accept her as a permanent family member at this early stage.

As MrsDeV has said, if you are in this for the long haul, you should play the long game. Invest time, patience and sensitivity in developing the relationship between your FD and the rest of your family. It will be much more beneficial than jumping down their throats because they haven't immediately loved her and accepted her as part of the family.

I hope your Dad can make her see the error of her ways.