To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

That is Shitty InVivenna, I bloody would not go. Do not let your family treat your dd like tat, I would cut them out if necessary. That is dreadful poor girl

What would be accolished by taking an intransigent stance on this?

Certainly not a good long term strategy for the OP or her family. And definitely not good for this little girl who is 8years old whose life has been in turmoil for god knows how long and now finds herself in the middle of another shit storm at the hands of the adults around her.

OP, I understand your anger, but what your FD needs now is for you to be adult and show some consideration for the sensitivities of all involved here. There are much better ways of dealing with this situation than blankly refusing to attend. Your energies would be much better directed to creating an environment whereby your FD and your family get to know eachother and form a proper relationship.

I would decline te invite, looks like your toxic aunt will throw a strop whatever happens, there is Noway your not going without dd.

Than what should op do then. Turn up with her FD and incur her aunts wrath in front of her daughter, tats not healthy either!

I'm sure we had almost the same situation last year? How did it turn out? Anyone remember
I do agree, you can't go if she's not welcome. Your aunt is a twerp

Dione so do you suggest I go without her? I can't and won't do that, DD and I will be staying at my parents, so that would involve leaving her with a strange babysitter in a strange house. DD has met my grandparents, and we are planning on visiting relatives, my aunt included, in October. I know know that my grandparents' great nephew, 10 months, is invited, even though my grandparents have never met him as his branch of the family live abroad.

The OP should do whatever needs to be done to establish a relationship between her FD and her family between now and the party and forever.

More visits and invitations so that the FD and the OP's family get to know and grow to love oneanother is the way forward. It is unrealistic to expect the family to love and accept as family, (what to them is) an 8yo stranger who may only be in their lives a short period of time. Fostering is something that requires a huge amount of sensitivity, patience and understanding (for the fosterers family as well as the foster child) if it is to be successful in the long term.

Issuing ultimatums is rarely beneficial when trying to form relationships of any kind.

OP, I absolutely do not suggest that you go without her. I suggest that you do everything you can to help your family and your FD establish a relationship between now and then. Even if they don't immediately accept her, they will get to know her and have more respect for your relationship with her and understand why you have to have her there.

At the minute what you are doing is backing yourself and them into a corner when you need to be bringing your FD and your family together.

Dione, the OP's family doesn't need to love DD, but they absolutely do need to accept her as a member of their family whether they like it or not. I do understand that fostering and adoption can be a bit bewildering for wider family members who haven't been involved in the process, but bottom line is that they are as much a member of their family as if the OP had given birth to her.

The aunt is a grown up, this means the onus is on her, not the eight year old girl, to make an effort to include DD in family stuff.

I'm so glad my daughter's foster carers raised her as one of their family before she came to us. The idea that because she wasn't going to be with them permanently, therefore was somehow inferior to their other children, never occurred to them, thank goodness.

Dione, why are you referring to the OP's DD as "FD"?

OP calls her DD and is clearly seeking a permanent mother/daughter relationship with her. I feel you are belittling that with the nature of your posts and your insistence on pointing out she is "just" a foster daughter.

Families, I am not suggesting for one minute that it is this child's responsibility to make this work. I am saying that it is the OP's responsibility to do what she can to facilitate FD's integration into the family.

I have worked with adoptive and foster parents and adults who have been adopted and fostered. What is extremely important is that the parents be realistic and sensitive to the child and to the wider family and work to solve the problems that arise instead of adopting an intransigent stance.

For many adopted/fostered children it is the failure of the adults around them to solve problems that has caused disruption and difficulties in their lives. It is absolutely necessary that they see that their new parent can deal with and solve problems that arise in order to help them feel secure in their new home.

Unfortunately, Dione, so many children who are being fostered or who have been adopted have never had an adult fight their corner. And very often foster / adoptive parents have to be pretty tough skinned and sometimes even combative just to get equal treatment for our children, never mind preferential treatment.

The bottom line for me is that the OP has an eight year old who she considers to be her daughter and is hoping for this relationship to be legally recognised as such in due course, which means that the little girl is "close family". It is at best upsetting and at worst downright cruel to treat the OP's daughter as anything other than family.

I agree there's no need to go in all guns blazing before it's been established whether there was a simple oversight, but now it's clear that the OP's aunt has deliberately chosen to treat the DD differently, why shouldn't the OP be intransigent on the issue of who is to be invited to this party?

1. You can't go without dd.
2. You gps will be upset if you are not there.
3. It is their party and they probably would want dd there as well.
4. The too many kids argument is bollox.

So, I wd tell your aunt the above and say you will be calling gps directly to see how their feel about you and their greatgd not being there/call to let them know why you won't be there so they are not upset. You can't just not show up and if that spoils the surprise (and who springs suprises on ill elderly folk anyway?) too bad it is lesser of two evils. So your aunt can either back down or accept no surprise party. Personally i wd just show up cos i can't believe she wd say anything but you know them best and don't want to do it.

and who springs suprises on ill elderly folk anyway?

Don't mean to hijack but I had the same thought. If OP's grandfather has been too ill for a large party (so cutting back to selected family), how is a bunch of folk jumping out and yelling "surprise" a good idea?

Another thought; I have no idea about the aunt's personality, but maybe standing up to her will be the right thing to do as far as the "long game" is concerned.

Families, there is more than one way to fight. What I have suggested is more contact, communication and understanding. I have done so because such an approach has been shown to provide a better longterm outcome for all involved (be it adoption, fostering or step families). Most importantly it has shown to be most beneficial for the children in such situations.

Dion the op dd should have automatically been invited relationships with family or not! A baby who aunt has never met has been. If this treatment continues and The Aunt treats op dd differently because of biology than tat is not acceptable, and op needs to cut ties with this person.

Sounds a lot like this op experience. How far should you let relatives treat children like rubbish until you say enoughs enough. Dion should op of the thread here tried hard enough to forge a relationship when her mother was treating her adoptive so appealingly in comparison with her biological children

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1620177-To-tell-my-mum-if-she-wont-get-for-1-DC--shouldnt-buy-anything-at-all

InVienna, what do your parents think about the situation? Would they be able to to talk to your aunt and explain that they too are upset about the non-invitation? If they are supporting you and your DD, then maybe ultimately the way to go is for everyone in your immediate family to decline the invitation and arrange your own celebration with your grandparents.

piglet, thanks for posting that link, I was just thinking about that thread and the similarities with the OP's situation.

Dione, so what do think OP should actually do now? She's been told that her DD is not considered close enough family to make the invite list for the party. Should OP spend the next few months hoping that the aunt will come to realise the error of her ways and magnanimously extend an invitation to DD? You're right that there needs to be more communication, and the relationship between DD and the wider family will take time to grow, but it needs to come from the starting point that DD is close family.

What I suggest Piglet is that the OP tries another approach that has been shown to be successful. It is still very early days. It may work, it may not, but at least she will have done all that she could. I am not suggesting that she allow this child to be "treated like rubbish"..

That was a very sad thread mrs, I still think about it nearly a year later and wonder if te mum has changed, though I doubt it!

Why do these icons keep appearing in posts anyone,

Exactly families, it comes as a basic acceptance. Op has told them of the situation and now junior Vienna is her dd so that should be accepted and relationships grow from there, but that is not happening here. These are adults they should know better. If I invite my friend to my wedding I also invite her dp even if I do not know him/her as a tater of basic coutesy

Matter doh