To think it's not on for DD to not be invited?

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

I know it's another family event invite thread, but bear with me. A bit of background- I have an 8 year old DD who I have been privately fostering since May. My family are all aware of this, my mum, dad and maternal grandparents have met DD, the rest of my family have not due to us living a few hours drive away and my work schedule over the summer. I'm hoping to take DD up to visit during October half term.

My paternal grandparents' 50th wedding anniversary is coming up and my aunt and uncle (her dp) are arranging a surprise party. They've been planning to do this for months and were originally thinking of a big party with all their family and friends, but my granddad has been ill recently so they're scaling it down to a family gathering. They've chosen a date close to Christmas as family who don't live locally will be visiting anyway and able to attend. My mum's sister and her family (family part is my dad's side) will be over from abroad on the day so they have also been invited after my mum pointed this out- my parents met at school and their families have always been fairly close, this arrangement isn't unusual. My grandparents on my mum's side are also invited.

My invite to the party/gathering has arrived today and it's just addressed to me, no mention of DD. I've spoken to my brother and his is addressed to him, his DW and their DD, who is almost 2. I'm guessing this means DD isn't invited. AIBU to think this is off?

[AintNobodyGotTimeFurThat]

How horrible.

I suggest you do it on somewhere neutral and arrange that everyone goes there and contact the other guests so they turn up there. I also am shocked she doesn't class her as family. Family isn't about blood, it's about spending time together and sticking together. If her version of blood was true, she'd put someone who is 15 years old she only met once above your DD who she has met a few times? That just seems wrong.

Besides, who would leave a child out? Say you did go, your DD would know she wasn't invited. Someone who could leave a child feeling like that is a complete asswipe and deserves to be ignored until she changes her behaviour, or you ignore her indefinitely. She sounds like a complete cock.

I wouldn't go to her little party anyway but organise your own. Otherwise, you'll have to talk to your grandparents. Wouldn't they be upset with your aunt for not inviting your DD? But it wouldn't matter after the event and things could blow up then. Better to defuse it now and have a good time on the day, not make it a big drama.

It's not even about your aunt anyway, it's about your grandparents celebrated an amazing amount of years being married to each other :)

[Hissy]

Oh yes! Operation Shindig Kidnap is ON!

Do it. Do it, doitdoitdoit!

[IrisWildthyme]

Completely agree that a neutral place for the party is a good idea. Your aunt is making it all about her own decisions about who is in or out of the family. It should be about your lovely grandparents and as many of their family as can make it.

AintNobodies said Family isn't about blood, it's about spending time together and sticking together this is very wise. It should be said multiple times until your aunt understands.

If she doesn't understand by the date of the party, then having half the family missing may help educate her.

[SconeRhymesWithGone]

I think a surprise party for such a big milestone as a 50th wedding anniversary is just not a good idea anyway. Would they not be expecting some kind of celebration put on by close family and wondering why they have heard nothing? Also knowing about a party ahead of time extends the pleasure by being able to look forward to it and perhaps be consulted about the details, such as having a say in who you want there.

[hackmum]

What a nightmare. This is the problem with having a surprise party - the person who the party's for doesn't get any say about who's invited, so they might well be upset about the DD not turning up anyway, even without the subsequent events.

Surprise parties are rarely a good idea anyway, imho - most people don't really like surprises. I once read a therapist who said, "A surprise is an act of aggression" and I think that's probably true.

[MrsCakesPremonition]

It's also nice to be able to choose your outfit, have your hair done etc. Especially if there are going to be lots of photos.

[reelingintheyears]

What a sad thread, as if one little girl would be any sort of problem.

Nasty old bag, chuck her.

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

MrsCakes my aunt is planning on telling my grandparents they're going out for dinner, I think, but I entirely agree with you. The whole thing is badly thought out IMO.

My mum phoned to tell my aunt she and my dad wouldn't be going and she's flipped, started shouting at my mum that "everything in this family revolves around Vienna" and she's sick of everyone reworking their plans around me. She plans to have a nice quiet family affair and she won't have it ruined by me trying to sabotage her party and bring a plus one She has declined my dad's suggestion of hiring a venue on the grounds that she wants to keep it as low key as possible and wants a nice family atmosphere. plus she's just had her lounge extended and can't wait until Christmas to show it off.

[MrsCakesPremonition]

"a nice family atmosphere" - without half the family? Is she always this thick?

[desertgirl]

goodness Vienna she sounds crazy.... has there been any sign of lunacy in the past? am glad your immediate family are supporting you.

My GPs had a surprise golden wedding party which they did enjoy - they thought we were going out for dinner with them, actually lots of their friends, cousins etc were there... saved GM getting stressed about it in advance - but I can't see the point of having a surprise "quiet family affair"??

how did your mum leave it?

[friday16]

My parents, heading for their sixtieth wedding anniversary as it happens, have always made it clear that they would leave were a "surprise" party to be thrown for a birthday/anniversary/etc and I am inclined to agree. hackmum has it right: they're aggressive because they revolve around the power the giver has over the "lucky" recipient, and use the surprise or other humiliation of the recipient as part of the appeal. On the couple of occasions I've been invited to one I've refused, as I don't want to be part of it.

So I'm not totally surprised that someone organising a surprise party turns out to be a control-freak fuckwit in other ways.

[pigletmania]

Vienna slowly slowly your Aumt is loosing respect and dignity by her childish behaviour. She really doesent get it does she! Good on your mum and family, the way she is going she is going to have tat nice quiet family atmosphere!

[pigletmania]

Without te family

[InViennaWeWerePoetry]

She threw a complete strop when my mum and I missed her wedding last year and she's never quite forgiven us, as it was apparently scheduled deliberately so it fitted with my work schedule, which can be quite hectic. I was ill at the time and couldn't have gone, with what my aunt claimed wasn't a real condition. We wrote it off at the time as a bad case of bridezillaism.

Afternoon tea with my grandparents sounds like a brilliant idea quietbatperson :) I'll suggest it.

[pigletmania]

Good god your Aunt is a woman child, as she never grown up!

[halfwayupthehill]

Actually i think now that the aunt's declaration that it's her house so she chooses the guests and the fact that two branches of the family are not going has meant she can't claim to be organising the party FOR the gps, she is just hosting a party in honour of the gps. Let her.
So, depending on the date of the anniversary, the date of the aunt's party and vienna and her family's availability i would organise a nice tea in a hotel, lots of notice, take gm to hairdressers first, photos, flowers, speeches. I would do it the week before the aunt party to avoid accusations of tiring gf out and i would keep it small so you can't be accused of a rival party. But you are getting in there first.

[kiriwawa]

I think that sounds like a great idea halfway. I'm sorry your aunt is being such an utterly selfish loon Vienna but I'm so glad your family are supporting you and your DD 100%. Afternoon tea will be fab I'm sure

What a silly woman your aunt is. She sounds remarkably childish, as others have said

[LovesBeingOnHoliday]

I'm so please your family is supporting you in tgis

[Snazzyenjoyingsummer]

I like the afternoon tea idea too.

Interesting about the 'surprise party as an act of aggression' hackmum. It's an act of asserting control, I suppose. I know that my mum for one would not want a surprise party as she would want input into the guest list etc and would be mortified that she had not been able to choose her clothes with the knowledge that it was for exactly that occasion.

[Rowlers]

You know the good news is though that this isn't actually so much about your DD being accepted.
It's much more about your aunt being a narc nutter.
Afternoon tea sounds splendid.

[Pimpf]

Your aunt is an absolute loon. Seeing this, agree my earlier suggestion if turning up is completely wrong. She obviously cannot be reasoned with so I agree with others suggesting a lovely afternoon out, it would be a terrible shame if they were to fill up on a scrummybafternoon tea and be too tired to I out for dinner

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Do you think its her petty revenge for you not making it to the wedding?

[MrsLouisTheroux]

Have your family decided what to do OP?