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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your views on bdsm relationships

144 replies

McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 02:14

I have been reading a lot of books about this and have came to a conclusion that with a trusting relationship it can work.

So what is your view.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 27/07/2013 02:32

Why are you asking, OP? BDSM is something that works for some people but is of no interest to others. In a general way, people who are into BDSM are better at negotiating, discussing and not making assumptions about sex and relationships, but there are abusers who are at least nominally into it, just as there are abusers in every walk of life.

Some people like to do 'kinky' stuff like bondage and spanking from time to time, some people like the idea of 'lifestyle' BDSM ie living in a situation where one person is the other's slave/property some people who do that just call it marriage. But there's no set, official way to do it, it's a matter of negotiating with the other person about what you do and don't want. Anyone telling you that you have to do it Like This is not only a liar but a loser and possibly an abuser.

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 02:37

I have just read some books. Some has made me think what the fuck are you doing others have made me think about the characters in bdsm relationships.

OP posts:
PomBearWithAnOFRS · 27/07/2013 02:38

Like just about everything else viewed as odd/strange/kinky/not mainstream and Missionary and only done to procreate with the lights out, it is up to the people involved, and absolutely fuck all to do with anyone else.

NB: - within the all important parameters (as with ALL sex and relationships) of "Safe, Sane, and Consensual"

Bogeyface · 27/07/2013 02:41

SGB I was with you until your strike out. Why the need to make a point? even though thats what you always do
McNew Each to their own. As you say, trust is the main thing. Assuming a non abusive relationship then it could work very well. Its not my thing, but I would never judge anyone else for embracing that lifestyle as long as it was not coerced in any way.

SignoraStronza · 27/07/2013 02:48

Too much like hard work?!Grin

BiscuitDunker · 27/07/2013 02:49

"Each to their own" is my opinion on it...its either something you like and are interested in or its not. There's no harm in experimenting a little if you and your DP think its something you both might enjoy but its not for everyone.

Its not my cup of tea personally but I wouldn't judge anyone who did like it either. Although to be fair I think there has been something of a 'boom' in couples experimenting in that kind of bedroom activity thanks to the 50 shades of grey books so its probably more common/less taboo now than ever if you were wanting to give it a go OP

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 02:50

I am just thinking about it. I am intrested in other people views.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 02:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2013 02:59

Like any other kind of relationship or marriage it's only going to work out with a happy ending if there's an equal balance of power.

An unequal balance of power with BDSM thrown in, and it's abusive IMO.

But you can only see the 'truth' of the situation (ie that they're both fully consenting and happy with the situation) by looking at other aspects of the relationship.

Two independent people who lead fulfilled lives with no abusive background story, and it'd just be playing out fantasies (although I would wonder where wanting those particular feelings had been bound up with sex in the persons life, as I wouldn't see them as the product of a totally abuse free childhood).

But how many relationships actually fit that ideal? The two people themselves might not see the imbalance as someone from the outside would. Does that mean it exists/matters?

It's a bit of a minefield really, especially on MN where there's a nonjudgmental/anything goes mantra.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 02:59

Might possibly have got that the wrong way round, but hey...have had enough bad sex to get it confused.Poor me!

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2013 03:06

'Its not my cup of tea personally but I wouldn't judge anyone who did like it either.'

Would you really not think what it tells you about the people at all Biscuit?

Not even privately?

Because it's an everyday norm where you are, or you don't really like to say on a public forum and be judged for judging?

'BDSM relationships are probably healthier in many ways than your run of the mill sexual relationships' and 'there is a whole lot more conversation about peoples needs than in your average stick it in,'

Run of the mill sexual relationships aren't just your average 'stick it in', if they are, things aren't right generally. Crap you view regularly having sex without BDSM as that.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:09

But I would direct McNewpants to other other sites. unless they are dead keen on getting feedback from random mothers/fathers on MN.

I would suggest that your enquiry is wholly prurient and without value to most MNetters.

You know, OP, as well as I, that niche interests will not be a major preoccupation here, and to ask simply shows you up as a rather random person with particular sexual interests, who is not brave enough or too arrogant, to actually engage fully with the MN cohort.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:13

Agent, I was being a bit light hearted about it..sorry if that did not come across!

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 03:14

I don't think that I would ever be into that kind of relationship but each to there own.

All I wanted to know is what other people's views

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:18

yeah sure.

Start asking about BDSM at this time of night. wholly disinterested.

Post again tomorrow morning. You will get a, um, more comprehensive response.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:21

In fact it is a dull question, by a seemingly dull OP.

MN is not actually some weirdy backwater a la League of Gentlemen.

try harder. Your editor awaits.

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2013 03:21

That kind of looks like you're saying the OP's stirring because she's asked it on a site she usually uses MadameD? That she shouldn't post this thread because people who are into it don't want to read about what people who aren't think about it, because they don't understand it so can't have a valid opinion. (might have got the wrong end of the stick?)

But she's a regular poster, I haven't noticed what she normally posts about, but she can say what she likes, surely, without necessarily doing it because she gets a kick out of making someone feel uncomfortable about how they have sex.

If they feel uncomfortable/feel they have to justify themselves, then that's not a fantastic/secure sex life is it?

AgentZigzag · 27/07/2013 03:23

Wow, you really don't like the thread do you MadamD Shock

No need to shit on the OP, I've said more that could be taken as offensive than she has.

Honestly, she hasn't said anything one way or the other.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:27

Too tired to get into this now. but in my experience an OP who posits random sexualised OPs late at night without fully engaging usually has another agenda. Forgive my cynicism.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:29

btw, I actually luff you agent! just saying.

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 03:32

I tend to post late at night because its the only time I can.

I am not stirring or after a kick just wanting to understand a bit more about what I am reading.

OP posts:
MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:35

I have also shared with the OP, not necessarily by experience but certainly anecdotal stuff, but the OP has significantly failed to engage with folk who took them seriously. Bad mark in my book.

MadameDefarge · 27/07/2013 03:39

Good for you. there are also plenty of websites devoted to these kind of practices where you could get a much more detailed response. may I suggest Informed Consent? I have heard that that is a very user-friendly site for interested parties.

Original poster
McNewPants2013 · 27/07/2013 03:43

Perhaps I was wrong in posting, I think I been reading to many books.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 27/07/2013 03:49

'btw, I actually luff you agent! just saying.'

Hahahahaha that made me laugh there Grin (I've just listened to tale of two cities on audio thingy as well)

But if the OP doesn't know anything about it and isn't posting to have a pop at those who do, the best way is to be neutral about it isn't it?

I would expect a troll to say what freaks/deviants people are who are into it, possibly followed by 'discuss' or '' to really get people's goat.