To ask your views on bdsm relationships

[McNewPants2013]

I have been reading a lot of books about this and have came to a conclusion that with a trusting relationship it can work.

So what is your view.

[Andro]

Communication is essential, without it no-one gets what they want/need. Negotiation shouldn't be part of the 'chase' because the discussion needs both parties to have personal authority, it's where 2 people find out if their kinks mesh well enough for a scene or not. The tone shouldn't be set until the boundaries are in place.

As part of a lifestyle, the structures tend to evolve with time and limits will be reviewed - what you are comfortable trying with a partner you've known for 3 years may be very different to what you will try with a partner of 3 months. When a safe word or caution word (safe word stops everything, caution word means slow down because something wrong) is used, there should always be a frank discussion of what happened, what went wrong, does there need to be a boundary in place etc.

When you're talking about a scene, it depends on familiarity, relationship, potential for relationship. Setting boundaries and discussing safe words/limits are things which might be established between 2 people who play regularly so a pre scene 'negotiation' might not be detailed - the discussion afterwards may well be more important (what was good/bad/scary/exciting/intriguing). With a partner you've never played with before, the negotiation is vital...and so is keeping the D/s dynamic out of it.

Dom(me)s beware though, if you are a member of a (reputable) club you will earn a reputation and be judged by it.

[daisychain01]

TiggyD - so true, don't have nylon carpets fitted or the sparks will really fly. But maybe carpet burns are all part of the fun?

[McNewPants2013]

I have been reading fiction. But would love to read a book based on facts.

I do have a few question, like how does the submissive have the ultimate power when it seems like the Dom does all the work.

The main question I think has been answered between the diffrence of abuse and BDSM relationship.

I was going to ask why do people getting that lifestyle, but then why do we do any body do what they do.

[thebody]

bloody hell op!!

just asked my teen sons what bdsm is and after they looked shocked/ laughed they are now worried about my Internet usage.

[TiggyD]

Try putting some tarpaulin down first. Or set aside a special room for it. NOT a conservatory though.

[TiggyD]

Unless the conservatory has decent venetian blinds.

Do you know how to make a venetian blind?

[Andro]

how does the submissive have the ultimate power when it seems like the Dom does all the work.

The sub has the ultimate power because in a safe, sane, consensual relationship/scene their safe word stops everything - no scene, no submission, no domination (and no recriminations for safe wording either).

[ItsNotATest]

If you are not interested in getting into that kind of relationship, why are you persisting in asking questions about it?

The vast majority of people (of both genders) with a kink have no need for someone to come swooping in in some kind of saviour mode. Just in case that is what you are contemplating. Apologies, possibly, if it isn't.

[AgentZigzag]

It's definitely not the kind of relationship I'd be into ItsNot, but I'm interested in finding out more about the dynamics, without any voyeuristic pervy side.

Posters on MN usually encourage people to find out about lifestyles/choices they don't know about don't they?

Why do you feel it's an off topic subject?

[SolidGoldBrass]

It can help (as it does anyway) to stop thinking about 'sex' as an activity that's special and totally different from every other kind of human behaviour. Things some people like and others find incomprehensible or unappealing include: rollercoasters, horror films, extreme sports, LARP, re-enactment, etc. Some people like dressing up, playing games, pushing or testing their minds/bodies in a safe, regulated way and others don't

There is a movement/organisation at the moment which is focussing on 'consent culture' and quite a few of the people involved in it are people with some interest or experience of the BDSM scene. They are interested in and concerned about abuse within BDSM relationships and how to prevent it, and also interested in spreading the idea of replacing 'consent' with 'freedom to negotiate' as an ethical standard to apply: if a person says 'Yes' to any kind of sexual activity, whether that's a heavy bondage session, a flogging, a group encounter or missionary-position-within-a-NORMAL-heterosexual-relationship, is the person in a position where s/he can say 'No' freely and without negative consequences such as sulking or withdrawal of support/affection?

[ItsNotATest]

AgentZigzag I don't think it's a taboo subject. Not at all. I'm just a little about the OP's motives, maybe unnecessarily, hence the "apologies, possibly" .

Minimal effort googling would lead you directly to places where all these answers, and much more, are abundantly clear from half an hour's lurking. This is a bit of an odd place for it, unless you are trying to stir up a debate about your own ethical issues around it. Which is fine, as long as you are upfront about what you are doing.

Upfront is highly regarded in the BDSM world

[Alisvolatpropiis]

They're fine.

But injuries that occur can become legally problematic in the UK. Even with informed consent cases can and have been brought to trial. Informed consent only goes so far.

Mind boggles how scarification is legal..

[McBalls]

I have had a bit of an interest in this over the years and have come to the conclusion that every. Single. Person who identifies as being into the Bdsm lifestyle is a loser. Really. Social reject territory.

Forays onto fetlife and a couple of kink get-togethers cured me of any desire in that direction.

Give me fuckwitted mundane "vanilla" (stupid twee term) sex with a normal, healthy, sane human being over weird, stilted fraeks who cannot function in the real world without wipe-down props EVERY TIME.

[AgentZigzag]

[McBalls]

I'll regret that little piece of over-share in the morning.

[AgentZigzag]

That you will McBalls, that you will

[ItsNotATest]

Name change time?

[AgentZigzag]

Naaa, true viper that she is, I'm sure McBallsofsteel will brazen it out.



(viper status only projected assumed)

[ItsNotATest]

I'm sure she will ride it out if she wants to

Just to temper that post a little. I have also hung around the edges of both the BDSM and swinging worlds a bit. Indeed there are a lot of losers. But they are not all losers. I'm most definitely not I would say that but I'm still in touch with a number of people, some who still dabble, some who don't, some who are now in conventional relationships with or without a continuing interest in that world. You would meet them socially and have no idea, I promise .

Having said that, I also know some people who got badly bitten by it. It isn't for everyone. But we don't all need saving

[SolidGoldBrass]

Yes, there are losers on the fetish scene: whiners, self-obsessed bores, bullies, etc. But I've met far more losers in the mundane world. Ignorant misogynists, frightened conformists, monogaqmy obsessives who can't cope with other people wanting to live differently, fucking tedious people with no interest other than shopping and sleb culture, people terrified to step out of their comfort zone and say or do anything that might make them appear a bit unusual. After 25 years in and around the fetish scene I know the kind of people I prefer to mix with, and after three horrible years of bewildered isolation among non-weird people when DS was very small, I'm glad I have the friends I have.

[McNewPants2013]

I have been googling 'what is bdsm' and all I was getting is the definition.

Even though I wouldn't get into it, it has sparked an intrest in it.

It interesting reading real people views.

[ComposHat]

Are they the big driving school? If so, I would prefer to go with a local driving instructor with a good reputation.

[MadameDefarge]

compo??

oh my.

[TiggyD]

Good idea to go for a bdsm driving instructor. So much easier to learn when you're wearing nipple clamps.

[MadameDefarge]

quote of the week for me tiggy