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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having a baby by ExH?

159 replies

JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:08

Long term lurker here...

I have one DC (4) by my ExH. We separated when Ds was 9 months old and we now have a good relationship that seems amicable and friendly in the interest of Ds. ExHis a great Dad and see's Ds regularly and supports him financially.

I have been single ever since other than a brief fling last year and tbh I have little interest in having a relationship with someone.

I have been thinking seriously about my options in relation to having another child as I really don't want Ds to be an only child and I'd really like to have another child.

I am seriously considering asking ExH if he would father another child. What do you think? Am I mental?

OP posts:
UltraBOF · 31/10/2012 00:10

A bit, yes.

ChippingInLovesAutumn · 31/10/2012 00:10

No, I don't think you are wrong to consider this at all... I think given your circumstances it's probably what I'd do. What do you think your ex will say? I presume you must think he'd be open to the idea if you are considering asking him.

StuntGirl · 31/10/2012 00:11

Yes.

Bad idea, don't even ask him.

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:12

Not mental but I think you're being short sighted.

You might meet someone in 4 or 5yrs time and want a baby with him after you've settled down.

Just because you've not had a serious relationship since your ex, doesn't mean you wont have one at all.

Flisspaps · 31/10/2012 00:12

Misguided rather than 'mental'

Don't do it

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:14

I'm not really sure what he'll say...I figure I need to be 100% sure that it's the right thing to do before I ask. (Hence why I thought I'd ask you guys!)

Those who said iabu, how come?

Thanks for your replies.

OP posts:
L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:15

Don't do it. Funnily enough a friend of mine is on good terms with an x who just wasn't that into her (they have a child). She has considered having a second child with him. So I think what you are thinking about is not freakishly rare. I told my friend to enjoy the relative freedom she has as a single parent to ONE child (at school). Imo she'd be mad to go back. It'd also affect her chances of meeting somebody new. Let's face it, one child is easier to fit in to a couple than a new man is to fit in to your family unit of three. That is just the way it is. My friend wants another child and says that even if she could find new love in time to have a relationship solid enough to bring a child into it, then her children (if she had another) would have two fathers. Even if the age gap was 7 or 8 years, that would bother her?!?

ravenAK · 31/10/2012 00:16

In an ideal world, it sounds like a very sensible idea. You know he's a good dad, you get on well, it simplifies matters if your dc are full siblings.

But:

Does your ex have a new partner?

Do you secretly want him back?

I think you'd both have to be very clear with each other about boundaries.

UltraBOF · 31/10/2012 00:17

Where does he figure on all this? What if it cocks up his chances of a relationship? Why would he walk into a situation knowingly of taking financial and emotional responsibility for a baby with no chance of a normal family life?

Catcarpet · 31/10/2012 00:17

If you can't see yourself having another relationship, then why not? I think it's a good idea. Although it may be confusing for your DS.

StuntGirl · 31/10/2012 00:18

Because he's an ex for a reason so why would you go back there? He deserves more respect than to be thought of as a sperm donor. You say you have a good relationship 'now' which implies you didn't always, why would you want to complicate things again?

Sokmonsta · 31/10/2012 00:18

Whilst I can see the logic of having children with one person, he's your ex for a reason and I'd consider those before bringing another child into the mix. You don't want to be explaining your reasons to a stroppy child/teenager when someone interfering tells them, or potentially have ex throw 'I didn't want you' at them in a row.

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:19

YABU because...

Your ex is an ex for a reason

You're asking someone to commit to having a baby, supporting you through your pregnancy, committing to a lot of finance and responsibility when you're not even in a relationship.

You may well meet someone in a couple of years and want a baby with him too but find yourself unable to afford a 3rd.

Your ex might want more children with someone else and be unable to afford a 3rd too.

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:22

Ex hasn't met anyone else either but I can categorically say that I, under no circumstances, want to be with him romantically.

UltraBOF...a baby with no chance of a normal life? That is not how I would describe my Ds's life. We are perhaps not considered 'conventional' but it works for us.

OP posts:
ChippingInLovesAutumn · 31/10/2012 00:22

Even having read all of those reasons not to, I still don't think it's a bad idea to discuss it with him.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:22

ps, do you feel an obligation to give your child a sibling? I think I felt that. Even though I knew the relationship was doomed. I thought (or felt ) in for a penny in for a pound. And obviously you love your children so much and would never send them back, blah blah blah, but I do often think if I'd only had the one I could have afforded to go back to work, and with only one child I could have afforded to have bought a two bed place by now perhaps.... As a single parent I do feel much more tied down and financially constrained than some of my other single parent friends who only have the one child. And yet they envy me my second child I think. So I do get it. On one level, even though you've split up and you're doing it alone, two children is closer to the norm. It's more average. When you're single, not only are you missing an adult but you're missing (statistically) .8 of a child !!! I find two hard (as a single parent). Other people cope fine but I find it very hard. :-(

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:24

So he hasn't met anyone else but you only split up 3yrs ago, give yourselves time Confused

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:24

My Ex is an Ex because he was a terrible husband. But I don't need him to be a husband anymore...just a Dad.

A good point about maybe being unable to afford a third in the future.

Thank you all for your input.

OP posts:
L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:25

wrt a normal family life! I think my children have a normal family life. It's as normal to them as mine was to me and my parents were married and stayed together. I do hate that pressure, to be normal, to conform, to mould the shape of your family unit to fit the statistical norm. REsist it OP!! because normal or average does not mean happy or good or right.

badgeroncaffeine · 31/10/2012 00:26

Erm, having a child outside of a relationship isn't sensible. Why on earth would someone even consider it with someone they'd had a failed relationship with? Absolutely and utterly bonkers... But if you want him to be a sperm donor and to pay more financial support, just ask. He might be dim enough to accept! Hmm

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:27

Yes but someone else might want him as a boyfriend/partner/husband and how would he explain that his ex wife is pregnant, the baby's his...but there's nothing going on between you?

Recipe for disaster for any future relationships on both sides here.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:27

I do get it, but I would leave your life open for the next chapter. Anything could happen. Onwards and upwards. Who knows? I feel that I scuppered that by having the second child. Will I be lynched for admitting that?

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:29

My ambition in life was to be a mummy and I adore every moment with my Ds. Although it was never the 'plan' to be doing this as a single parent, it has made me realises how strong I am and how capable I am of providing him with good stable life.

I don't want Ds to miss out on being a brother and feel that I could wait and see what the future may bring or take matters in to my own hands.

OP posts:
UltraBOF · 31/10/2012 00:29

I said a normal family life. And I did think twice before posting that phrase, but it's late, and I figured most people would know what I meant. I am not with my daughters' fathers and get by just fine, so I understand your point. But you have to accept that when most people embark on parenthood, they do so in the expectation, or at least hope, that they will be sharing a home with their child and in a couple relationship with the other parent.

akaemmafrost · 31/10/2012 00:29

I don't think it's massively unrealistic. I would love another child but one has SN and the other one is being assessed. I've got my hands full. But if my situation wasn't as such and I was amicable with my ex I don't see anything wrong with it. I am a lone parent and we are a happy, normal family and I challenge anyone to say otherwise.

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