To consider having a baby by ExH?

[JustUnsure]

Long term lurker here...

I have one DC (4) by my ExH. We separated when Ds was 9 months old and we now have a good relationship that seems amicable and friendly in the interest of Ds. ExHis a great Dad and see's Ds regularly and supports him financially.

I have been single ever since other than a brief fling last year and tbh I have little interest in having a relationship with someone.

I have been thinking seriously about my options in relation to having another child as I really don't want Ds to be an only child and I'd really like to have another child.

I am seriously considering asking ExH if he would father another child. What do you think? Am I mental?

There is a reason why he's your ex

Far far better to have children with the same father, rather than some who have three/four kids by four different fathers who then get treated differently by their different respective fathers, some see them some dont, some pay some don't. In those cases the mothers have never given any thought to the children only their urge to breed.

I wanted two kids, and I knew they would have the same father.

Somewhat chavi having kids by numerous different dads.

Im on the fence. I'd not have children with another partner if DH and I ever split so I can see the urge to have them with the same father.

However, given he will be expected to support the child financially its a huge thing to ask.

No harm in asking providing you both want more children for the right reasons.

Friends of ours have done this, they are all very happy, much wanted second child for both of them, the children split time equally (now baby has given up breast feeding) between parents, they live just round the corner from each other, so it easy for the children, he's a teacher so takes most of holiday times, she works in medicine.

I think it works if both parties want the same thing, they knew that they would both want another child, and thought it would be easier to have it with each other.

The children have always had two houses so know no different, they just think it's normal. very happy confidant children.

But happymummy presumably this only works if both want to parent new dc like current dc - visits, financial support etc. the ex will be just as much a father to this dc as the current.

Teabag, sad but true. My children both have the same terrible father but at least isn't watching the other being treated much better. They'll never realise one day they're 'only' half siblings. My kids DO have the same father and yet I've been asked if they have the same father!!! so I'm relieved I was able to reply 'yes, do your children have the same father?' [hsmile]

I completely understand where you're coming from OP. I don't think it's selfish and you seem to have given it a great deal of thought already.

My only concern would be that you had a really good conversation with your ex to ensure that you were completely on the same page and had the same expectations before you went through with it (but you strike me as the type of person who would do this).

I agree that talking it through with your parents would be a good step to concrete your thoughts etc. However, at the end of the day it's how your ex feels that matters. So in your shoes I think I would just have a chat with ex so if he's says "no" outright I could just lay it to rest without involving my parents/their opinions.

I'm surprised by some of the responses on this thread. I thought I was quite conservative, but think this arrangement could work nicely and is far preferable to others the OP could end up in.

All the best with your decision OP.

As long as neither of you gets hurt by the potential rekindling of romantic feelings for one another, I can't see the harm. You might as well have the chat, get it out into the open rather than live with "what if" for the next twenty years.

A few points then I must 'close' for the night.

A woman wants a child. She has to get sperm from somewhere. OP has thought of where she might get some IF she decides to have a 2nd child. As far as I can see she hasn't said HOW she'll get the sperm - she needs to ask the bloke who happens to be her ex. I'd say there are potential emotional problems in shagging an ex in such circs, but what do other women do for sperm without shagging a man? Yes, turkey basters/ syringes are a bit clinical and impersonal, but an option all the same. But that's just part of the dilemma.

Why do men have children? Not just because a woman asks them. Many/most (I haven't asked them all so not sure of stats) do so becasue they want to be parents. Lots of men who have one child want a 2nd. If they can afford it, what's the problem? Yes, in the circumstances it's an unusual set up. BUT who says what's 'normal'? If both potential parents want another child and that child will be loved and cared for, and as much as his/her older sibling, whatever the set up, is that not the most important bit?

Obv said bloke might not want another child, so could say NO. Or not with his ex. Or not in this set up. That's his choice. End of story.

Has OP said anywhere she's be expecting more money from him? Does she need more money from him? OP has FT paid work, presumably with mat leave entitlement. She doesn't necessarily need further financial input frm him.

OP, he might need a while to think about it, if it's not an outright no. A lot for you to decide, both together.

FWIW I have 4 children, all with same father - snoring on couch as I type. Lots of people have assumed they haven't all got the same dad. It doesn't bother them or me. it's nobody else's business in the end as long as the children are loved and cared for.