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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having a baby by ExH?

159 replies

JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:08

Long term lurker here...

I have one DC (4) by my ExH. We separated when Ds was 9 months old and we now have a good relationship that seems amicable and friendly in the interest of Ds. ExHis a great Dad and see's Ds regularly and supports him financially.

I have been single ever since other than a brief fling last year and tbh I have little interest in having a relationship with someone.

I have been thinking seriously about my options in relation to having another child as I really don't want Ds to be an only child and I'd really like to have another child.

I am seriously considering asking ExH if he would father another child. What do you think? Am I mental?

OP posts:
akaemmafrost · 31/10/2012 00:30

Cross post.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:31

I don't know if it's a recipe for disaster !!! That's a bit harsh. one in 3 marriages fail, and relationships where parents aren't married are even more likely to fail. So a significant percentage of parents who have a baby will have an acrimonious and painful breakup ahead of them, with kid(s) in tow.

A couple who have already split and who are on amicable terms won't have this looming over them. So from the CHILD'S POV it's not a reprehensible thing to do imo. But if the OP were my friend I'd tell her it was her time. NOt to go backwards, not to risk missing what's meant to come next.

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:31

Well you've achieved your ambition now.

Until you meet someone else (if you do) how about changing your ambition?

What sort of job do you do? Is there room for promotion/extra training?

Perhaps you just need to shift your focus?

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 00:33

yabu,to reduce ex to the sperm guy who pays for his kid to fulfill your whim
what about his feelings does he want baby with you.your post all me me
only child isn't problematic, only you seem to think it is.and baby will solve this

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:34

A family is one or two adults who live together by mutual consent with children either biological, adopted or fostered! I think that is the definition of a family!

WorraLiberty · 31/10/2012 00:34

Quick question OP

What if your ex was asking you to have another baby with him and hand it over after birth so it could live with him?

Would you jump at the chance?

pumpkinsweetie · 31/10/2012 00:35

It all depends on what your ExH feelings are on this?
Have you actually mentioned this idea to him?

AThingInYourLife · 31/10/2012 00:37

I don't what the harm could be in discussing this with him.

Presumably he is big enough and bold enough to decide for himself whether this appeals as an idea without needing you to make sure he doesn't put off any possible future girlfriends.

"I would leave your life open for the next chapter."

That could be an argument for going ahead.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:38

Scottish, I think some of the married ladies do elevate the sanctity of their union somewhat though; talking aboutsperm donors in this context here!?

So, what prevents a married but poor father from being a sperm donor?! Plenty of husbands make bad fathers but arent' labelled sperm donors. If a good father is an ex husband then he's not a sperm donor.

badgeroncaffeine · 31/10/2012 00:38

Very true scottishmummy
OP, just say to him, "can I have your sperm donation now, in 9 months you can have the bill for 18 years" Grin

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 00:39

I have the sort of friendship and co parenting relationship with my ex where it would be a reasonable option in the right circumstances. It sounds like your circumstances are right, as in neither of you having another partner etc, so I don't think YABU at all. Actually, I think you're being very sensible. There are plenty of people that don't give half as much thought into having a child as you are.

UltraBOF · 31/10/2012 00:40

L1zLem0n, I'm not suggesting otherwise- if I phrased that clumsily, it's because it's late. I have my own family too, as I've explained, which is normal enough to me. But typically (is that a better word?), that is not the way most people set out to do it. It's not an especially attractive prospect for the non-resident parent in particular, to bring a baby into the world which you will take responsibility for, while never sharing a home. I think it's naive to believe otherwise.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 00:41

no woman has entitlement to have children or certain size of family
it's bizarre you seem to think your entitled to have a sibling,complete the set
so you expect dh to get you pg,because you have odd ideas about singletons

MummifiedBonkeyMollocks · 31/10/2012 00:42

Bonkers .

And imo very very selfish!

Bogeyface · 31/10/2012 00:44

I think that in theory its a fine idea but.....

You wouldnt just go from from one child to two, you have to go through conception, pregnancy, birth and the early days,

How would you conceive? If you didnt want to have sex with him (or him with you), could you cope with artificial insemination etc? What support would you expect throughout the pregnancy? What if you have a difficult pregnancy, what would you expect him to do? Would he be at the birth or would he be in charge of your DS and you give birth with friends or family? Do you anticipate the newborn stage being just you, your DS and the baby or do you see it as you, them and him?

Its a nice idea in the abstract but in reality, as much as I want to say "go for it", I am not sure it would work.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:46

Yeah I know UtraBof, I just think that the desire to be normal and to conform and to be conservative and fit the mould - all of it is what makes decisions more difficult. I really feel for the OP tbh. I had a second child in a relationship that was dead and buried before I saw the blue line on the stick. Why did I do it? Madness, yes, but only because of the trauma of getting out of the relationship. Tbh, if that bit was behind me, the worst would have been over, adn I would have known I was bringing the child into peace. Not war, and not even a one in three chance of war!!

Scottish, it's not about entitlement. SHe wants another baby. That's not 'bizarre'. She wouldn't be the first.

What are the OP's odd ideas about singleton?s I missed those Confused. She is single herself.

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:47

I am not suggesting I am 'entitled' to have another baby but surely I am within my rights to consider my options. Crikey, that makes me selfish!!!

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 31/10/2012 00:48

How is it selfish, or "entitled" or bonkers for two adults to discuss becoming parents together? Confused

Particularly when they are already successful co-parents?

What can the objection possibly be to this being considered as an idea?

Shit, DH and I gave less thought to our first two. But we're married and in love, so that was OK.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 00:48

no not good in theory,or on mn screen.outrageously immature.
acquiring children to fulfill your earth mother desires, but hey ex pays?
if you and ex were so good why aren't you together?

badgeroncaffeine · 31/10/2012 00:49

Yeah, it's very bizarre L1zLem0n...sorry

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:49

You're not! I believe that if you had another child it'd be as happy as the next child. But for YOU, you might miss out on something that you could have done with just one child. Maybe a man? but maybe a new job, house, trip around the World. I know it's my own experiences here, but two children outnumber you as a single parent. My children are fine and happy. It's me that is trapped and sometimes lonely. Ykwim?

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:50

I am happily single...so no odd ideas here.

I am unsure of what the logistics would be...at this stage I am just giving it some serious thought.

I would never even consider it if I didn't think it was in Ds's interest.

OP posts:
OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 00:51

Scottish, do you have the same opinion of women who stay in unhappy relationships and bring a child into the world in any less than perfect relationship? Or is it ok when two people are living under the same roof?

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 00:52

Scottishmummy, all fathers pay for their children.

Can't believe how conservative and supercilious some posters are! (some).

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 00:53

op isn't entitled to have another baby cause she fancies it or doesn't want an only
she's not in a relationship,it is somewhat odd to reduce ex to well he's solvent
it's very mechanical and orientated to fulfilling her need to be mum again.

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