To consider having a baby by ExH?

[JustUnsure]

Long term lurker here...

I have one DC (4) by my ExH. We separated when Ds was 9 months old and we now have a good relationship that seems amicable and friendly in the interest of Ds. ExHis a great Dad and see's Ds regularly and supports him financially.

I have been single ever since other than a brief fling last year and tbh I have little interest in having a relationship with someone.

I have been thinking seriously about my options in relation to having another child as I really don't want Ds to be an only child and I'd really like to have another child.

I am seriously considering asking ExH if he would father another child. What do you think? Am I mental?

Op, look at it this way....think if all the things that could go wrong!

If it all goes tits up, then what??

L1zLem0n It's nothing to do with "separating husband from father". It's the idea of having a child when not only not in a relationship at all, but with a man with whom you can't and/or won't have a relationship. Indeed, in this case, the previous relationship failed! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

people making sperm donor remarks, are you assuming the OP will have full residency and the ex will only have "contact" and his main form of involvement will be financial? Has OP said that? Maybe they would have joint custody and a 50/50 approach to everything? In which case he has as much to gain as the OP - it may suit him very well, or he may hate the idea. He's an adult, he can take it or leave it. No harm in asking.

I really don't get all the bosom-plumping indignation .com

I'm not trying to divert it.. YOU are trying to make a basic and normal human desire 'immature' and bizarre and selfish.... something you'd accept as normal if she were still with him in a romantic relationship. But becaues their relationship isn't romantic you can't separate father out of husband.

But do you know what? Women in relationships also want babies and therefore I guess sperm. Mothers in relationships are also vulnerable and also need money. Raising a child takes a team. I'm doing it on my tod. I know how hard it is.

Do you think that a baby born to a married man (or man in a relationship) is free? that somehow there is no cost because they're married?? NONE of your arguments are convincing arguments for the OP to dismiss her idea.

It's an idea, she 's running it around in her head. Perfectly understandable, so to me, calling her thread 'absurd' (not you) is what is immature. Immature because it shows such a lack of understanding of human nature.

Badger, do you understand that the children in a family have a different relationship with their father than the father's xw has with him? do you understand that that is a different relationship? od you understand that that relationship has certainly not failed?! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!? (NO YOU DON'T)

liz considering 8posts in you advised op dont do it why the vociferous change
you're the only one banging on about marriage.it's nothing to do with marriage
as suggested op,call ex explain you want baby, he pays.see how he react

I don't think she should do it for her OWN sake. But I'm genuinely horrified by the conservative train of thought that it's only decent to place a man in the role of fatherhood IF the man is in a romantic relationship with you. Otherwise it's too much for him. That if you're not in a romantic relationship you're only looking for his sperm! Sure any woman in a relationship who wants to fall pregnant is looking for sperm fgs. There are other types of relationships and OP and her xh seem to have a good one. Also, it's the father-child relationship which is important.

If I'm banging on then you're banging on yourself. Go to bed.

you're somewhat losing it,and no you don't get to instruct who posts
or when one retires.if you're tired off you trot
curious it was initially don't do it, now it's all dem married judgers how dare they

I think you are BU to ask on an internet forum, because only you can really know what the dynamic is like with your ex.
But I don't think, at all, that you are BU to consider the idea.

My sister has a child by an unknown sperm donor, and has the option of using the same donor again for a full biological sibling. She's a single mother, but her ex-boyfriend (they split up before she became pregnant) is very involved in my nephew's life, and looks after him every weekend.

My good friend's DH is the father of his ex-girlfriend's baby - planned and conceived after they split and she began a relationship with another woman. He does not 'father' the child, but is treated as a close relative and they are all - 8 years in - happy with their lives. My friend has two children with her DH as well, and has no 'issues' about his involvement with the ex's pregnancy. That might sound extraordinary to the cynics, but it is certainly true.

And so on...Not the same situations, no, but in my experience, there are many different ways of making and being a family.

I think using an actual sperm donor rather than getting your ex to knock you up is different.

You can only ask. I think its possible that two parents who are not together romantically could have kids and co-parent successfully, so I'm not completely against the idea in principle.

However I think, like many non-mainstream concepts it depends entirely on the couple and their own attitudes and beliefs. I think it relies on an open and honest relationship built entirely on mutual trust, understanding and respect. You would need excellent communication and very clear boundaries. And you would both have to be completely on the same wavelength and up for it 100%. From the (admittedly little) information you've given here I'm not convinced that is true of you guys.

I personally wouldn't be happy if someone asked me to have a baby I would only see for 50% of the time. I would make the best of a bad situation if that happened through unfortunate circumstance, like your current child, but I would not knowingly walk into or engineer that situation.

If I were your ex I would say no.

To consider having a baby by the exh.
Do you mean with the exh? Or to the exh?
By is just wrong.

What would you say op if your exh agreed but wanted baby no 2 to live with him?

I think its a good idea. Much better for the children than a sperm donor or a short term relationship, here the children will have a dad who has already shown he can be a giod dad.

So op, i see nothing wrong in principle, just consider how you feel about pregnancy, birth and post natal period as a single mum (although thousands of women do this so i dont know why posters are being off about it)

Keep us posted!!

Plus you are not tricking or forcing him, you are just asking if he feels the same as you

"AThingInYourLife She doesn't want a relationship with him, she just wants his sperm. So he would be a sperm donor, and would be stung by the CSA."

Sperm donors don't get "stung" (nice, BTW - you think men who have to pay for their children are being "stung") by the CSA.

The thing that defines a sperm donor is his relationship, or crucially lack thereof, with the child. Not his relationship with the mother.

There is no reason at all, other than convenience and cultural expectation, why a man and woman have to be having an ongoing sexual relationship to become (good) parents.

If he agrees to such an arrangement, how can you possibly argue that paying for a child conceived in that way is being "stung"?

Your posts only make sense if the OP was planning to have his child against his will.

In fact her only real chance of doing that would be to have a sexual relationship with him and sabotage contraception. It seems to me that by your (very unpleasant, misogynist) arguments, a woman in a relationship is in a far better relationship to treat a man like a "sperm donor".

OP I did something similar, or intended to.

I met the father of my first child 13 years ago, we split when I got pregnant with DS1 because frankly, I was a selfish arsehole. Plain and simple. But putting that aside, DS1 came along and his dad was amazing, I couldnt fault him he was supportive, selfless and brilliant and my best friend. It also opened my eyes up a lot to what a blind sided, selfish tit I had been previously.

So when it came to wanting a second child, why wouldnt I want it with this great father, great person?

I did a similar thread, elsewhere. Peope kept saying if you think that much of him get back together but at the time it just didnt make sense.

What made less sense was to try and meet someone else, bring him into my sons life and eventually have children with him when his dad was faultless and there for us already.

As it was the people were right, we did get back together and we have had a second child and out relationship has been better than it has it 13 years (we split for 18 months about 4-5 years ago).

Im not saying you guys should/might get back together, but I totally understand why you would want another baby with him.

Far better position.

Glad the late night screechers have been pushed out.

I'm a father and if my ex asked me this I'd do it.

As long as we did shared-care, 50-50.

MN is very conventional, I'm sure there are lots of mums who go on to have children with husbands they don't love anymore as they want more than one child.

And I'm sure there are lots of fathers who have children and don't see or do a lot with them even though they are still married.

So ask him.

I can see where you are coming from and as long as you had open eyes about everything, and set boundaries I can't see why you couldn't make it work. You would be making a difficult path for yourself. Who would help you when you were pregnant? What if you had to be hospitalised for months? Would you have the support?

Lots of women have sperm donors for their children- married, single, lesbian why should you be excluded? (Just don't end up with octopulets- then you'll have the whole world flaming you not just mnet hehe! Joke- I in no way agree with what octo-mum has done)

Thank you so much for all your input. I appreciate everyone's opinion although
I'm glad it's not an overall 'you're a selfish, immature earth mother wannabe who is trying to screw your ex for every penny.'

That is and would never be my intention and this was an idea that I feel we all, including my ex would benefit from.

I also think it's worth discussing with him. You never know he may feel the same as you but not feel able to bring it up with you. Maybe you could discuss it together and make a joint decision then once you've both considered it.

I don't really understand people who say having a child in this way is selfish. Surely then anyone wanting a child at all does it for selfish reasons? I have two children who are donor conceived, so am I selfish too? A child needs to be loved and cared for, and clearly this would be the case for OP. I hope it works out for you OP.

It is unlikely ExH and I would share care 50/50 as that is not what we do now. He has Ds 1 or 2 nights a week and comes over to have tea with ds a couple of nights in the week and does bedtime. This is partly due to exh's working hours and the fact he lives about 30 mins away.

In regards to support when pg/ having a newborn I have a great family unit as well as lots of supportive friends. I haven't asked their opinion yet though...

Haven't read all the post's but I don't think it is unreasonable to discuss it with him at all. The only thing I would say is that sleeping with him again could lead to getting attached? And you would need to be sleeping with him for however long it would take to conceive. As long as the baby is being born into a happy home I don't see a problem with it, it is better for the child to be born into no relationship than a bad relationship.

YANBU, I have 2 DCs with 2 diff dads and its a nightmare. DC1 sees his dad regularly and DC2 hasnt seen hers since he disappeared when I was 8 months pregnant.
The inequality between them is heart breaking. I wish so much that my DC has same dad and equal life. It'd be so much easier.
As for meeting someone else, with same dad its much easier, u will get free time to meet someone when he has the kids. I don't get that, I have DC2 without a break.

I think you sound like you've thought it through. For those of you going on about the financial side of it and the OP's consideration of it, why would she NOT consider that? I don't understand the implication behind that. It's a major factor in deciding to have a child, in any situation surely?

OP as you've discovered MN can be a very conservative place. I don't think there's anything wrong with this situation as long as you and your ex are happy with it. For those fighting his corner with "what ifs" I am sure he's a big enough boy to take care of himself.

However emotionally I am pretty thick skinned and could probably cope with all the intimacy involved in having a child with someone I am not in a relationship with. Do you think you can?