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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having a baby by ExH?

159 replies

JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 00:08

Long term lurker here...

I have one DC (4) by my ExH. We separated when Ds was 9 months old and we now have a good relationship that seems amicable and friendly in the interest of Ds. ExHis a great Dad and see's Ds regularly and supports him financially.

I have been single ever since other than a brief fling last year and tbh I have little interest in having a relationship with someone.

I have been thinking seriously about my options in relation to having another child as I really don't want Ds to be an only child and I'd really like to have another child.

I am seriously considering asking ExH if he would father another child. What do you think? Am I mental?

OP posts:
Daddelion · 31/10/2012 08:03

If he wants more children it's a pretty good deal for him.

1 or 2 overnights a week and 5% more on the CSA.
And the OP (when the baby would be older) would get a couple of nights free a week as well.

It's probably less earth-mortherish than a conventional relationship.

UltraBOF · 31/10/2012 08:04

You can obviously ask. But I doubt it's as appealing to him as it is to you.

OHforDUCKScake · 31/10/2012 08:04

Justunsure Im busting to know if/when you'll ask him. And even more busting to know what he'll say....!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 31/10/2012 08:09

Op if your ex-H said no, do you think you would use donor sperm?

Nahla, Op can do this without having sex with her ex, there are other methods of insemination.

I don't think it's weird for "wanting a sibling for your child" to be one of the motivators for planning a baby.

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 08:17

If ExH says no, then no, I would not consider a sperm donor. The main reason I want another dc with ExH is that my children would be blood siblings and would have similar experiences as the children of both of us.

A friend suggested getting 'caught' by someone else but the whole attraction of this is that we would all know what we'd signed up for iykwim. I would never ever trick anyone in to doing something they didn't want to do, I am aware of what a big deal this is.

I Will let you all know when/if I ask exh. Think I might talk it through with my parents to see what they think.

Thanks again for all your input and shared experiences, this certainly isn't black and white.

OP posts:
OTheEldritchManateesOfMadness · 31/10/2012 08:44

I think this is bonkers and a recipe for ruining the obviously fairly easy-going and friendly relationship you have with your ex. How would he get the sperm to you? Would you ask your ex-husband to wank into a pot for you, or in practice are you actually proposing having sex with your ex-husband?

If the latter, isn't shagging your ex going to risk bringing back all the emotional turmoil and ambiguity of when you were splitting up/not quite split up and risk confusing you both, not to mention confusing your existing child? You might imagine that you'd do it in a purely functional way, but IMO whether he's wanking into a pot or you're doing the nasty together you'd find the functional aspects of TTC upsetting in practice and that would affect the relationship you have.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 09:42

I'm amazed by some of the responses to this thread.

In the last week there was a thread from someone asking opinions on using a sperm donor, and the response was overwhelmingly that she should go for it. I was in the minority thinking that its selfish to bring a child into the world knowing that it won't have a Father and all the support that comes along with having two loving and involved parents. Yet here is a woman who is thinking about bringing a child into a relationship that works, that could be hugely beneficial for everyone involved, that could mean the child has two brilliant parents, albeit not in a traditional relationship, and she is being called selfish! I find that completely bizarre.

Surely it's better to have children by the same brilliant father if possible, rather than having one child that has more emotional and financial support from a father than the other?

It's sad that people can't see that it is possible to be good parents to the child and supportive to each other just because they don't live together. When people find out how me and my ex co parent, they always say how lovey it is that we can do that. And they are right, it works for us. This is not much different.

Adversecamber · 31/10/2012 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lovebunny · 31/10/2012 09:59

hmm.
for - another baby, full bro or sister to the first, dad with a good record of paying maintenance, no need to get into another relationship
against - is he your ex, or not? does he want another baby? will he pay up, or later claim you tricked him? is it that you really want to have your little family together again and hope this will seal it?
if you're clear you want to be on your own with both children, and he is clear that he'll be paying up and taking part in both children's lives, and you are both happy to work on the conception by whatever means you choose, i can't see anything wrong with it.
it sounds ideal.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 10:09

sperm donor is up front transaction,understood the task is obtain sperm get pg no intercourse
in this situation she effectively proposing similar but hasn't discussed mode of insemination.would they have sex til she got pg?intimate solely to get pg by ex
certainly op hasn't asked him yet or been explicit,wants baby but not ex to increase involvement but does want his ongoing financial commitment

i suggest op make herself clear, then that would be explicit to ex what her expectation terms of him are

the only definitive is to ask and be clear what the op expectation is. indeed if he understands and is happy to proceed then there you are

naturally op has paraphrased in a way that suits her.but imo desire to have a baby is not in itself reason enough to have a baby.in fact most people do plan family not just I fancy a baby,they discuss as a couple. factors like willingness,timing,finances.so yes do go have that direct conversation with him

and an only is not necessarily requiring another sibling,that's maternal need,preference

Daddelion · 31/10/2012 10:15

I find this way refreshingly honest, at least the Dad knows what is going to happen.

A lot of parents separate, the Dad will then find out he's going to be seeing his children every-other-weekend, paying through the CSA and moving out, at least this way it will be amicable.

And if the child has two parents that are amicable and love them I think it's ok.

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 10:20

she's not been refreshingly honest yet,hasn't asked him
she needs to tell ex her desire for his baby
they need to mutually agree

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 10:21

Surely that much is obvious Scottish!

scottishmummy · 31/10/2012 10:26

well not to op,she's chosen to ask mn strangers rather than the significant ex pondering on mn,getting huffy when anyone has temerity to disagree
this isn't one for the mn jury.irrespective of replies received

imogengladhart · 31/10/2012 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 31/10/2012 10:59

I think using an actual sperm donor rather than getting your ex to knock you up is different.

I agree, and I should clarify my earlier post in case it has been misunderstood - I definitely wasn't trying to suggest that the OP was using her ex as a 'sperm donor' (that is clearly not her intent - it seems that she wants her ex to continue the role he is already playing in the first child's life).

I gave that as one of two examples of people I am close to who have gone about constructing their family in what are seen as unconventional ways, and also to point out that some women do choose to be 'single' mothers by choice (I did myself although ultimately I did marry my child's father). The other situation was closer to what the OP is talking about - an ex who willingly fathered a child.

My point really was that there are people who have happy and successful families that do not follow the 'formula'. I think the OP should give it more thought and discuss it with her ex, and if they decide to go ahead, they might even find there are discussion groups and online support with people who've made similar choices. This site was helpful to my sister and I, and while you are talking about something a bit different, you might find some of it useful too. www.singlemothersbychoice.org/

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 31/10/2012 11:18

She is only thinking about it so there's nothing wrong with her putting it on here to help her clarify her own thoughts on the situation before she talks to him. MN is for talking about parenting stuff and it would grind to a halt if we could only talk about parenting things with the other parent.

Why are you determined to believe that she is doing something wrong? What's your situation?

I'm feeling quite strongly about this because its not a million miles away from my own situation, and I think my situation is great. So I'm finding it hard to understand why you would also feel strongly if your situation is similar.

L1zLem0n · 31/10/2012 11:28

@ scottish, the OP has definitely not been huffy. She's welcomed all opinions and has been very polite.

You're the one huffy that not everybody's kneejerk reaction to her suggestion is 'that is so wrong'.

@ Outraged, I agree with you, OP here to help her clarify her own thoughts before she talks to her x and family... I am unable to understand why people are so determined to believe it's wrong/bonkers/immature/selfish . Is it just that they are conservative? or have they no empathy? or is it a cameron-esque fear of the breakdown of society!? ;-p

I hate when posters float an idea on a thread and they're told it's an absurd thread or some such. What's the point discussing ANYTHING? This thread is an interesting one and is actually different from the same old same old dilemmas.

badgeroncaffeine · 31/10/2012 14:45

She has been L1zLem0n, scottish is correct.

The main point here (as scottish noted) is that she won't just ask him. Because she surely knows that no sane man would agree to such an idea.

Original poster
JustUnsure · 31/10/2012 15:16

I haven't asked him yet because I haven't decided if it is 100% the right thing to do and as someone said earlier, why rock the apple cart if I am unsure at this stage.

If I have come across as being huffy it is because I feel harshly judged by people who clearly have very different views on what makes a proper family and what are the right reasons to have a baby.

By hearing everyone's views, it had has made me realise how we may be judged by people we know if we were to go ahead with this.

OP posts:
LizLem0n · 31/10/2012 15:31

I didn't see where you were huffy! i thought you were polite to people who were openly judging you!

And badger, How can Scottishmummy know that you 'wont just ask him'. How can she know that?! so how can that be the 'main point'??

So @ JustUnsure, it's something to be considered definitely, being judged that is.... You want to be able to say fuck it and make the right decision for you and your son and your xh. But being caught in the constant glare of conservative society's judgemental spotlight can feel awkward. I am often flabbergasted by people's comments about the most ordinary things, eg, recently, that I would 'bother' going away on holiday with me and two kids and no husband. Like, there's no point?! i spoke about a family dog and somebody thought I meant my parents' dog or my dog as a child. Obviouslyt they didn't compute that the family I was refering to was me and my children. I've been asked if my children had the same father (they do) but that is not something that anybody would ever ask somebody in a relationship. So I think it'd be naive to ignore it totally. You'd need the hyde of a rhino to disregard that side of things totally.

thebody · 31/10/2012 15:48

Do you think you just feel lonely? You want a new somebody to love so want a new baby and to rekindle old flame with ex.?

None if this is wrong btw but perhaps you need to examine your own feelings a bit more.

thebody · 31/10/2012 15:50

Oh and btw op the wonderful thing about hitting 40 is you really really don't give a shiny shite what people think!!

Dahlen · 31/10/2012 15:54

Well it's certainly unconventional, but I don't think YABU at all TBH.

You have a proven track record in your X that he will fulfil his emotional, practical and financial obligations to your existing child. Frankly, that's a step up on many children whose parents are still together, let alone the huge numbers of children whose NRPs pay nothing. There are far worse candidates you could choose from, that's for sure.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 31/10/2012 16:17

I think it makes a lot of sense to talk through the idea on here.

OP I do think you would get some RL judgement (eg from your boss when taking maternity leave) and you should be prepared for that. To me, your position is understandable and your ex would be free to say yes or no. It's interesting that you would not have another child in preference to sperm donation.

I actually think it would be fine to talk to your ex in a "what-if" way before you reach a final conclusion, but you know him and I don't so leave that to you. Your parents might be a good next step, as you say, since if they feel how some people on here do, that might impact your positive feelings.