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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 27/02/2012 13:43

No, you aren't.

MamaMary · 27/02/2012 13:45

Your feelings are understandable.

It would be best to sit down and have a calm talk with her. Tell her how much you appreciate the way she's looked after your child, and then talk about finances. There needs to be discussion.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 27/02/2012 13:46

YANBU based on what information you have given.

annalovesmrbates · 27/02/2012 13:46

No, YANBU especially as baby is in nursery.

annalovesmrbates · 27/02/2012 13:46

No, YANBU especially as baby is in nursery.

Haziedoll · 27/02/2012 13:46

"Why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the parks with friends whilst the baby is in nursery".

Why are you paying nursery fees?

OnlyWantsOne · 27/02/2012 13:47

Essentially YABU

But less because she wants to be a a SAHM and more because you say she refuses to discuss this matter. This is not a good thing at all and would concern me more.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:47

Thanks. I don't think I'm being unreasonable either :)

OP posts:
Gumby · 27/02/2012 13:47

why is your child at nursery? how old is he/she?

CalmaLlamaDown · 27/02/2012 13:47

Both go time and share the childcare (coffee mornings)

EirikurNoromaour · 27/02/2012 13:47

How old is child? How many days per week at nursery? It's not easy to get a job for 15 hours a week. Although she could work more and you could get tax credits for extra nursery time so YANBU really. It should be s joint decision.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 27/02/2012 13:48

Odd not to discuss it with you.

Is she planning to go back when your DC starts school? Is it a childcare issue - she not happy with the options when your DC is not at,what I assume is 15 hours free nursery placement, and she'd have to work? Is she lacking confidence having not worked for a while?

Basically is there more than she doesn't want to work?

WhiteTrash · 27/02/2012 13:49

How old is your child? How often is she in nusery? And are you paying for it?

CalmaLlamaDown · 27/02/2012 13:49

Meant both go PART TIME, sorry

noinspiration · 27/02/2012 13:49

No you aren't out of order, you are completely in the right. You need to talk to her - she is not being fair to you. This is not the 1950s.

prettyfly1 · 27/02/2012 13:50

I think that sounds totally fair - women wanted equality and that means sharing the load on both sides. If you need to earn more to pay the bills and you are already working full time then she needs to go back to work, at least part time to support her family. Many women would like to stay at home all the time with their kids but the simple fact of modern life is that for many it is too expensive and you have to try and balance. Based on the info you have given YANBU

PurplePidjin · 27/02/2012 13:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

timetoask · 27/02/2012 13:50

Hi Zealey,
Has she given you reason why she doesn't want to go back to work? has she explained herself? might be worth having an open discussion (calmly) for her to explain her feelings.

By your OP, it sounds to be that your concerns are not 100% financial, but more a little bit of resentment about her "coffee mornings". Trust me, looking after a child is hard work.

NeedlesCuties · 27/02/2012 13:50

There are plenty of men on here, doesn't make you automatically disliked.

Does she intend to work part-time hours while the child is at nursery? Or just doesn't want to work at all?

You need to gently talk to her about it, DO NOT whatever you do use your not-so-charming line you said in your OP, "why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery?" as that will straight away get her on the defensive. I can sort of see what you're saying, but don't think she'd want you to tell her that so bluntly!

I can see it from your perspective that you think she wants to have her cake and eat it and that the £ worries are a big weight on your mind.

It might help to write down everything you need to spend £ on in a month - bills, rent, groceries etc and show it to her so that she can see clearly that 2 incomes are needed in your household.

bobbledunk · 27/02/2012 13:51

She is being very selfish to drag the whole family into borderline poverty because she likes playing mommy. Tell her to grow up or she's on her own, her 'mummy' friend's won't want to know her when she's on benefitsWink.

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:52

Essentially it is that she hated her job and although had a maternity agreement to go back she's now decided that she doesn't want to. Our daughter is I6 months and currently only goes to the nursery for a few hours in the morning, but she wants to increase the time in the coming months. Basically she feels that she was born to be a 'mother' and now doesn't want to be anything else. It's her and the baby and I'm just there to do the tough things like make money, do the cooking, house jobs etc... Grrrrrrrr

OP posts:
cumbria81 · 27/02/2012 13:52

but she's not looking after the child? It's in nursery

OP, YANBU

igggi · 27/02/2012 13:53

Assuming the child is at nursery for the free 2.5 hours per day, I think you are somewhat overestimating the amount of free time your wife has.
I do agree it should be discussed, and a compromise probably reached, but it's ridiculous to imply she is staying home to meet friends etc. Some more info about age of child etc would help.

WhiteTrash · 27/02/2012 13:54

Then its quite simple, take the chd out of nursery.

If she wants to be a mum, and you cant afford nursery then let her be a mum and stop nursery. It seems quite obvious to me?

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 27/02/2012 13:56

You have a low income, a SAHP and are paying Nursury fees for a 16 month old?

Is this a wind up?

If she hated her job - she try looking round for another one. Has she?

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