to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

[Zealey]

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

[Pozzled]

All very strange... You say money is tight, but you're funding ten hours of nursery on only one low income. I struggle to see how you could do this. Are you sure your idea of 'tight' is the same as your dp's?

I think you need to go through your finances together, in an open and honest way. As things stand, how much disposable income do you have each month after all bills and nursery fees are paid? Can you both live happily on that amount? If so, nothing needs to change. If not, look at what the financial effect would be of stopping the nursery place. Then as a last resort look at your wife returning to work, but bear in mind childcare costs.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

OK, then, OP, in the spirit of your thread, I, too, am out!

[crashdoll]

undercoverPrincess Where abouts are you? Approximately I mean, not your home address.

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

OK... I have a 16mo at home with me. Putting him in nursery 10hrs a week would absolutely fuck our finances, and DH is on what I'd describe as quite a good salary.

So how are you doing it at the minute? Either your income isn't as low as you say, or you have v. low rent/bills... you wouldn't get tax credits with an SAHP presumably?

[wannaBe]

where are these nurseries that take babies for only two hours a morning? All the nurseries I've ever encountered tend to run a session-based service where they will take a child for a morning, or afternoon.

Op - are you writing an article or a book?

[choceyes]

Another one here struggling to understand why on earth are you paying for your 16 month old DC to go to nursery while your DW doesn't go to work??
If you had the money fair enough, it is nice to get a break (although even then, every day?), but when you are struggling financially?
This is a wind up, it has to be.

[naturalbaby]

it's your money, stop paying for the nursery.
if she wants to be a sahm then tell her to stay at home and be a mum because you won't pay for someone else to do it for her.
unless she has really can't cope with being a mum for those extra few hours a week, in which case she should go back to work.

it's not rocket science, sit her down and go through your finances. point out that once your wage has covered the essentials e.g food, bills, rent/mortgage there is £xx left for clothes, toddler group, baby swimming, savings for a holiday, new washine machine, whatever..... and does she really think the majority of what's left should be spent on paying someone else to look after her child that she wants to stay at home to look after?

[SaraBellumHertz]

Well if the "I'm out comment" is indicative of your general style my sympathies lie with your wife, although TBH if this is real I'll eat my hat.

[Zealey]

@Malinois - ha I liked your comment ;)

[lilbitneurotic]

How come this is only coming to a head when your DC is 16 months? Surely mat leave is only 12?

[BoulevardOfBrokenSleep]

Oh right.

Fair enough then.

[legallyblond]

OP is back.

OP, why did you agree to nursery for 2 hours a day in the first place? Can you afford it? What reasons did your partner give? What has changed? Above all, WHY oh why would you need nursery for a 16 month old when a parent is at home and finances are tight?!?

[Zealey]

Just want to respond to a couple of comments that put my back up. I am on a relatively low income but am lucky in that my grandparents left me a house so we don't have rent/mortgage.
This is how we afford to pay the ten hours pw nursery. I'm in Holloway North London where plenty of nurseries/playgroups offer a few hours a day in the morning or afternoon.
Also, this is not a wind up, but I'd like to know why some think it is?
I said 'I'm out' because I'd received enough replies to get a feel for the general view.
Thanks.

[legallyblond]

So you can afford for your wife to be at home and have 2 hours a day break while your child is in nursery?

Right. That's different.

I expect DH (DAHD) would love a couple of hours off like that! Fair enough!

Is it that you would rather be at home and she works?

[Zealey]

Also, the reason why I agreed to nursery was so she could have a break for a few hours as she was finding it all a bit overwhelming at first. She was only on Maternity leave for 9 months but decided not to go back despite all her training (which to my mind is a nail in the coffin why small business' are wary of employing women of my partner's age - but I know that IS controversial and for a seperate discussion) ;)

[Zealey]

Right, I really MUST stop now as I'll get in trouble here at work, and if I lose my job then that'll REALLY be the cherry on the cake ;)

[legallyblond]

People think it is a wind up becasue the way it was originally preseneted was improbable (you being on ow income and not able to afford nursery and yet your wife insisting on staying at home and putting your child in nursery for two hours).

Now it is something different: you can afford for your wife to be at home but have a couple of hours a day break (ie pay for nursery), but don't want her to/resent her being at home.

Is that right?

[naturalbaby]

well either you can afford it or you can't. if you can't then you can't.
if she has no other support to help her look after your child then a few hours in childcare can be a good thing so what about cutting back to just a couple of days a week?

[undercoverPrincess]

crashdoll I am in fairly rural Essex, I'm sure the childcare availability is better if I was to drive to the nearby town but that would defeat the object for me for a couple of hours 11months until preschool, also as she is my last I am enjoying spending time at home with her I just don't get much done what with school runs, working evenings and wasting time on the -www- :)

[Zealey]

@Legallyblond, partly right. But money is so tight without her second income when our child gets free fifteen hour nursery in a few months time, we will struggle to cover the basics. I am resentful of the way that she feels she can change her mind and for all her new mum friends (who are a lot richer than us) see it as a god-given right to have all of the good times with a kid and expect to be provided for like it is the '50s, but in every other respect they take the piss out of us 'men' for being useless and only breadwinners. If this was how she felt all along then I would have questioned whether having kids at this particular point in time was a good idea.

[undercoverPrincess]

Zealey the preschool funding is available the term after the child turns three, I believe there is some form of two year old funding but only available to families on income support in certain areas (postcode lottery).

[IainDuncanShit]

OP I wish I could have a job which involved reading MN and posting eight times since about 1 O'clock util three.

It's hardly the "salt mines" you have spoken of, now, is it?

[CagneyNLacey]

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I, too, am out.

[WibblyBibble]

Do you count having a human being excruciatingly pushed through your genitals causing permanent physical damage to your body as 'good times with a kid' or is that bit just 'natural justice'/the 'god given right of men' that women should take the bad bits and then you get to share the good bits equally as you seem to want?