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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:17

OP. The good ladies of AIBU have taken the trouble to read your thread and ask intelligent questions. The least you can do is answer them. I have made it easy for you.

Does your DD go to nursery for free, or is it paid for by you?

Can you afford for her to SAH, OP? Or is this actually causing you major financial hardship?

Would full time child care and her working make better sense financially? Or is it just the principle of her not working that bothers you?

Why on earth enrol the DC in a nursery if finances are tight and DW is a SAHM?

What would have been the childcare arrangements had your wife gone back to work as planned?

Is she planning to go back when your DC starts school?

Is this a wind up?

undercoverPrincess · 27/02/2012 14:19

@viviPru good post :)

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:19

OK x post. You can still answer them though.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 27/02/2012 14:19

I don't get the paying for nursery unless they put the DC there to get use to the people and place before the mother started back at work.

CagneyNLacey · 27/02/2012 14:19

So why are you paying for it, if you're on low income like you say? And if she's on mat leave?

Lotkinsgonecurly · 27/02/2012 14:20

But surely at 16 months for your dd then one of you is either a SAHP or when she's in nursery you're both working?

AvonCallingBarksdale · 27/02/2012 14:20

OP please come back and answer the questions and stop with all the passive aggressive stuff in brackets. You're pissed off, you've asked for opinions, you're getting them and requests for clarification. No-one is asking for more info/telling you YABU (in fact many have said YANBU) because you're a man, it's because it's easier to offer a measured opinion when you have all the facts Smile

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 14:20

Ha OP I agree with you but playing the martyr card is irritating!

legallyblond · 27/02/2012 14:21

Sriously OP - is this for real? You (plural - I work ft while DH is a SAHD - money is ours) pay for nursery 2 hours a day?! If you didn't, could you afford for your DP/DW to be at home then? Serously, paying for nursery when a parent is a SAHP with a 16 month old is CRAZY.

Personally, I get that she doesn't want to go back to work and put your child in a nursery fulltime. We didn't want to do that either. A priority for us was having DD at home with a parent. So DH is now at home (as that is the best for us financially).

If she feels like this and you can afford it, just drop the 2 hours of nursery a day. Not rocket science. Go to surestart groups instead. Confused

thisisyesterday · 27/02/2012 14:21

OP, assuming you are paying for the nursery fees.... stop!

if she doesn't want to go back to work because she wantz to be a SAHM that's fine. but she needs to be a SAHM, not have the child in nursery every day.

i'd love to put my 2 year old in nursery a couple of mornings a week, but I don't because we can't afford to.

you need to sit down and talk to her. it is perfectly normal for people to find that actually they really don't want to return to work while their children are small, and if this is financially viable i don't see why she shouldn't do that. however if you cannot afford to have the baby in nursery then you need to stop that now

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 27/02/2012 14:22

Well, I think, OP, that you are well within your rights to stop paying for nursery. You say to your wife, "I know how much you want to stay at home, but in order for that to work, we need to be cutting back by X amount a month. Nursery fees make up (say) half of that amount, so our DD will have to stop going". See what her response is!

CailinDana · 27/02/2012 14:23

So your DC is in nursery 10 hours a week while your wife is at home??? That's utter madness! What a complete waste of money. If she's so delighted at being a mummy then why isn't she actually looking after her child?

legallyblond · 27/02/2012 14:23

OP answered the paying for nursery and how much thing at 14.17.22 above!

KatAndKit · 27/02/2012 14:25

Well, if you are paying for nursery hours that you can't afford then cut them and no more nursery until you get the free government funded hours. Or, if your daughter enjoys it there, cut it to one or two days a week if you could afford that.

If you are in financial difficulty then she should be looking for a job. But bear in mind that then you would have to find 40 hours worth of childcare if she works full time. Childcare for a baby under 2 is very expensive. Perhaps when the baby is a bit older, and you get the 15 hours funded childcare, you would jointly make more of a "profit" from her going back to work. I don't know if she went back now, would you get any government help with childcare? Probably having two incomes would mean that no you wouldn't.

Can't she do the coffee and the walks with the baby? I'm not sure why you need to have the child in nursery, she could walk around the park with the baby!

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:25

Yes but he's still not answered the other questions which would give a fairer view of the situation in context.

igggi · 27/02/2012 14:25

These are separate issues: your dw wants to be sahp; and she also wants to put LO into nursery while she's at home.
That looks like your obvious compromise: propose she doesn't go back to work, but there is to be no childcare.

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:26

Yes igggi. It's simple as that, OP.

KatAndKit · 27/02/2012 14:26

Surestart groups is a good suggestion, there are plenty of things going on in childrens centres where she can spend time with new mums and babies without having to pay nursery rates.

HillyWallaby · 27/02/2012 14:26

OK, just re-read the thread, and I see the woman in question was of 'Mediterranean/Indian' appearance. So he didn't say 'coloured' because he was afraid to say black, he said it because she was not black, but he was not sure exactly what her ethnicity was. So, I can see why he did it, he would have been better to say 'the dark skinned lady' or the Asian-looking woman.'

WhiteTrash · 27/02/2012 14:27

I have absolutely no sympathy for you.

YOU are paying thr nursery fees there fore this is YOUR doing.

QuintessentialyHollow · 27/02/2012 14:30

To be honest, I agree AND disagree with you.

2 hours in the nursery is not a long time. Pretty much just enough time to maybe pop to the gym, or get a few chores done.
2 hours in playgroup is NOT the same as childcare, it is mostly a chance for the baby to socialize and learn socializing skills.

Coffee morning is par for the course for a stay at home parent, it is the new support network, and a chance to meet others who have just embarked on the new life changing situation that is parenthood.

The rest of the time will be spent on caring for your child, her food, her naps, her nappy changes, laundry for both the child and the family.

The fact that you do not see this, give me the impression that you are a very hands off not to very present father figure, nor husband figure in the whole state of affairs.

I would imagine your wife is pretty pissed off that you have such attitude to the baby and how this has changed your lives.

This brings me to the question:

How much of YOUR life has changed since you became a father?

The part I agree with is that whether or nor your wife goes back to work and your child stays in nursery full time, or your wife stays at home is a joint decision which should be based on you and her talking about your life and your expectations.

Part of this is measuring up the cost of full time child care (I paid £800 per month for a full time nursery place in London 5 years ago), and whether it is worth it from both a financial perspective and the perspective of yours and your wives career progression.

TeWihara · 27/02/2012 14:30

take home pay calculator

benefits calculator (as a guide most families with one child and an income over 26k will not get any tax credits from April, families with 1 parent not working or working low hours also won't qualify for various TC elements including childcare costs)

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 14:31

OK. Once again, thanks to all who responded. It's given me an extra insight, much needed.
I'm out. x

OP posts:
dancingonthinice · 27/02/2012 14:31

YANBU. Why is your baby at nursery if she doesn't work unless you have agreed this? I'm guessing as you are on a low income you can't afford the luxury?

everlong · 27/02/2012 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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