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AIBU?

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:

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AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 22:14

I'd like to know a bit more anyway, OP, when you come back tomorrow or whatever, if I may.

How is your dw's lifestyle? And how is yours? Who gets more free time? Who has more money to spend on fripperies?

IainDuncanShit · 27/02/2012 22:22

I've done both too. Working full-time is easier.

I couldn't piss about on the internet at any time in my job either.

Perhaps, OP, your wife could get a weekend job and you could have the joy of looking after your 16 month-old every Saturday and Sunday. Whilst doing all that needs doing in the house of course. Would that be a compromise? No childcare to pay out - win win.

aldiwhore · 27/02/2012 22:22

The husband and I do argue about this. He reckons he has it easy. BUT he has a job he loves that is his passion/hobby so a hard day at the office for him is bloody marvelous. That probably makes me a little at times.

BeeMyBaby · 27/02/2012 22:24

YANBU - if she wants to stay at home then the child should not be sent to nursery if you can't afford it - nursery + afternoon nap = very little effort required, so I expect that your house is beautifully clean and that you have extravagant meals every night to give your DP something to do.

IainDuncanShit · 27/02/2012 22:25

"I'd like to get over this hump with her, and reignite what brought us together in the first place - the fact she is ffing sexy inside and out"

Priorities...

Grow up Good luck with that, OP.

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 22:27

aldi, I get that it's hard, and I never make those stupid comments about coffee mornings etc. I do understand why people get defensive. Same reason as I get defensive when people talk about women going to work for a rest. I work bloody hard, and am manically busy all day, it isn't a fucking rest!!

I just think it's a pity that women on both "sides" of the debate feel forced to defend their choices. :(

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 22:30

Don't get me wrong - I love having days off at home with the kids, and weekends, but every day? No way. It's just not me at all. Not that I could afford to, mind, but I'd still make that choice even if I could.

Working full time is easier, hands down. It's the shit you have to do when you get home that's the problem

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 22:33

And, I don't sit around filing my nails either, btw! I work very hard in a very stressful environment. But it's a different kind of stress, iyswim.

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 22:34

Working full time is easier, hands down

Not for me. I loved being at home on maternity leave & could easily do it FT tbh. Shame I'm the bigger earner so have to go to work. :(

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 22:37

But it's a different kind of stress, iyswim.

Yes, I think that's very true. Both can be stressful but I find it more difficult, on balance, to cope with the stress at work. I guess it's the other way around for some people.

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 22:39

Oh, definitely. Loads of people thrive on staying at home with or without children. But I'm not one of them, I'm afraid! What a shame you can't do the thing you want to, H&H.

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 22:45

Ah well, Abby, such is life. :) I don't hate my job, I actually quite enjoy it at times, just dislike the stress that goes along with it. And though I sometimes think it would be easier to stay at home, I would probably find it very difficult to be financially dependent on someone else, and I'd also worry about my pension etc.

I think the ideal option would be to work part-time. :)

AbbyAbsinthe · 27/02/2012 22:49

Oh, me too. A four day week would suit me down to the ground. For the same pay, obviously Every Wednesday off to do cleaning & shopping, and job's a good 'un.

HoneyandHaycorns · 27/02/2012 22:50

yy, for the same pay, obviously!

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 27/02/2012 22:53

I'm with aldi really like staying at home with the DC (wonder if I'll say that when I have three I wonder?!) but I will definitely be going back to p/t paid employment when they're all in school. SAHM is brill - not sure the housewife bit would work for me (though I probably would look good in those fluffy shoes )

aldiwhore · 27/02/2012 23:02

A highly paid, exciting, fun job two days a week where I could gather at least a week's worth of interesting anecdotes and 'news' would be bloody marvelous.

I can't deny that.

Those jobs don't seem to advertise though - bah.

I am a bit contrary, but I'm approaching the end of my 'contract' as a SAHM and actually am more than ready to move on. I felt the same when pregnant and approaching motherhood... bring it on I'm bored now!

I can't imagine ever doing the same thing for the rest of my life, though I'd like to do whatever I do with some of the same people around me.

bibbityisaporker · 27/02/2012 23:03

So, Zealey, does your partner earn £40,000+ pa?

I thought you said she had a low paid job? But on your other thread on the cost of childcare, you say you can't understand how people can afford to pay for childcare.

MorrisZapp · 27/02/2012 23:05

So. Zealey. You want to go for coffee with your friends during the day.

Are they students, unemployed, or SAHDs?

ChocolateIsAFoodGroup · 28/02/2012 00:46

aldi I'm the same.... like to mix it up a bit... when shall we be going into business with our new, exciting, highly-paid part-time job then?

SaraBellumHertz · 28/02/2012 03:50

Zealy what is this job that your partner hates and is "low income" but enough to cover nursery fees and the commute?

I'm intrigued.

I also think any man that would make his wife return to a job she hates when it makes little difference to their current financial situation so that his dreams can be fulfilled is an arse.

Blx2thelotofem · 28/02/2012 04:16

Zealey, I am sorry that you are getting such a hard time on here, honestly this place is such a nest of vipers. I think YANBU given your limited income.

Just to give you a different perspective, after the birth of our DS, my DH loved him so much, he didn't ever want to leave him. So we decided that I would go back to work and DH would stay home. At first, DH loved it. He loved looking after our DS and the house, taking him to the park, shopping... he was really happy. Then one evening when DS was about 8 months old, I looked on our internet history and saw that he had been searching "depression". I asked him about it and he just burst into tears. He said he felt completely lonely and isolated. He missed his work colleagues and the banter of his workplace, he had no-one to talk to, he felt thoroughly miserable. I am just telling you this in case you are feeling that you are missing out by not being a SAHD.

differentnameforthis · 28/02/2012 05:48

It's a fathers job to provide for his family

I think you mean it is the parent's (i.e both of them) job to provide for their family!

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callmemrs · 28/02/2012 07:01

Yes- you would think that wouldn't you? That in 2012 parents would view themselves as equal, rather than defining themselves by having a penis or a vagina.

Sadly a minority really do seem to think a father 'should' earn and a mother 'should' stay home. Perhaps they are living in a 1950s timewarp. Or perhaps they arent very confident in their own capacity to be flexible enough to have the skills to earn and care. Either way, it's their children i feel sorry for- imagine being a boy or girl raised in a family where the parents believe they should only have one fixed role. My son would be horrified to think it is his future duty to provide for a wife who might decide she just doesnt 'like' working, and my dd would be equally horrified to think she would be expected to not be taken seriously as an earner

HoneyandHaycorns · 28/02/2012 07:50

I'm amazed actually that so many people think the wife has an automatic right to stay at home if she wants to. Even if her salary wouldn't be enough to cover childcare costs, that doesn't necessarily mean that she should become a SAHM - what if the OP would prefer for them both to go PT and share the childcare, for example.

The OP is getting hammered for not wanting to support his partner's lifestyle choices, whereas she seems to get away without even considering what he wants. Why do her wishes trump his? Can people really not see how unfair they are being?

Odd, very odd.

HillyWallaby · 28/02/2012 07:57

Completely agree Honey.

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