Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

344 replies

Zealey · 27/02/2012 13:42

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

OP posts:
ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:06

Hode up a minute OP. Before you do one, you're not having our YABUs without at least answering a few of the questions posed, that's not cricket.

legallyblond · 27/02/2012 14:07

Also, as an ex-sahm (for a year - mat leave) and now the fulltime earner while DH is a SAHD... do not underestimate being at home. Bloody hard work, honestly, it is.... being at work in a office is a far easier ride!

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:07

YANBUs even. Fucksake.

TeWihara · 27/02/2012 14:08

Don't show her the thread, you'll just have a row about posting your troubles on the internet.

Work out the finances for the two options, of her going back to work and not going back to work, (or the two of you both being part time if that's something you'd consider) then sit down together and talk - calmly! - about whether it could feasibly work or not. Remember that if she doesn't go back to work she may find it harder to go back to work or get as well paid a job later, and also the cost of fulltime childcare and cover for sick days if she does.

LikeAnAdventCandleButNotQuite · 27/02/2012 14:08

Zealey, in order for posters to give their opinions, you need to tell us, does your DD go to nursery for free, or is it paid for by you?

If it is the free 15 hours a week, then your wife finding a job for just those hours will be a challenge. Alternatively, if your DD was to go 40 hours a week childcare, and you and your DW worked, would you be able to afford the costs?

If your DD goes to nursery and you are paying for it, I would be cross for you. Struggling to manage financially means everyone tightening their belts, and your wife should be covering the childcare herself, as she is out of work.

It does seem unfair of your DW to renege on an agreement, but being a parent can consume you completely, and maybe she is so overwhelmed with the pleasure of being with your DD that she can't imagine leaving her? If this is the case, she needs to work with you to discuss methods to help ease the financial issue - are there ways she can cut back on costs, say reducing the amount of times she has her haircut, or a subscription to something she doesnt really need or use? As she is the one who is not prepared to return to work, she needs to prove to you that you can all manage without her wage.

OrmIrian · 27/02/2012 14:08

" it really is impossible to know how you'll feel about that before you have a child"

And?

Sometimes it doesn't matter how you feel, you just have to get on with it. If money is short then both parents may well have to work. Tough shit. I would imagine a lot of parents would like to stay at home with their babies, but many of us can't.

DoMeDon · 27/02/2012 14:09

I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery?

So am I- SAHP do not just do coffee mornings and walks in the park. You say your 'kid' is at nursery for a few hours one morning not all day too. Maybe you are upset about this and exaggerating or being emotive for effect??

Anyway most SAHP look after the child, do lion's share of housework, cook, shop, wash, bank, bills - it's a trade off. Maybe compromise on each side and valuing each other's unique contribution is in order.

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 14:09

YANBU to be annoyed.
If you can't afford it, let her know that there is no choice as the bills need to be paid.
If you can afford it at a push, look at a more agreeable division of labour.

porcamiseria · 27/02/2012 14:09

is she mad! how will you survive financially? YANBU

tomverlaine · 27/02/2012 14:09

LegallyBlond - why should she be allowed to stay at home? why shouldn't he?

if they were better off as a family if she goes back (regardless of childcare) why is it only her choice?

PomBearAtTheGatesOfDoom · 27/02/2012 14:10

Why do say "why do I have to be the one to go back to work" OP? are you both at home, or did you have paternity leave and then go back to work? Maybe your wife was hoping that once your first child arrived you'd love being a parent and she was hoping to start trying for another baby about now. If she has been hoping/dreaming this then you just putting you big manly breadwinning foot down and telling her she HAS to go back to work in no uncertain terms might be really upsetting for her. Have you sat down and talked to each other, calmly, without getting angry/defensive/being rude to each other at all? Have either of you actually worked out how much money she could expect to earn, and how much childcare and her work expenses would be, to see if you would actually be better off with her working?
You sound a bit like you feel like she trapped/forced you into fatherhood against your wishes and now you want to punish her because she is enjoying motherhood and you aren't getting anything out of fatherhood?

MamaMary · 27/02/2012 14:10

Oh, sorry. I missed that the child is 16 months. That changes things a lot. Why on earth enrol the DC in a nursery if finances are tight and DW is a SAHM? Confused

juneau · 27/02/2012 14:10

YANBU at all. And why is your DD in nursery if your wife is a SAHM (who was 'born to be a mother'), and you're on a low income? Fair enough if you get free nursery provision, but I'm pretty sure you don't get it for 16-month-olds. I think, if it was me, I'd say to her that she can either be a mother (so no nursery), or she can go back to work, but putting DD in nursery when you can't afford it and pleasing herself is not being a SAHM. And if she hates her job so much, why doesn't she look for a different one?

ViviPru · 27/02/2012 14:10

Good post AdventCandle I concur.

The OP doesn't seem particularly keen to come back and discuss the fundamentals of the issue though.

GlueSticksEverywhere · 27/02/2012 14:10

You say shes in the wrong to change her mind . . . New parents cant always predict how they will feel once their first baby is born. It turns the world upside down.
I think its unfair to hold her to an agreement you made before the baby was born. lots of people change their minds about all sorts of things once they are parents and the realities kick in. up until then it is hyperthetical

scuse sp. etc. on new phone

undercoverPrincess · 27/02/2012 14:11

YANBU
I have a nearly 15month old, a five year old and a six year old. I work 16 (extremely) unsociable hours a week as well as cooking, cleaning, shopping and looking after the baby all day (and the odd coffee morning :p).
We need the money I don't have a choice.
I would like to be a SAHM too but I would be unreasonable in insisting on being one....

ChickensHaveNoLips · 27/02/2012 14:11

Can you afford for her to SAH, OP? Or is this actually causing you major financial hardship? Either way, she should have discussed this with you.

chandellina · 27/02/2012 14:12

Tough one because these decisions should be made jointly, yet it is hard to know how you'll feel until you're in it.

Would full time child care and her working make better sense financially? Or is it just the principle of her not working that bothers you?

I don't think it is odd though for mums with any age children to want some time to themselves. One reason I enjoyed going back to work frankly.

TheFeministsWife · 27/02/2012 14:14

I agree with CagneyNLacey I smell BS!

undercoverPrincess · 27/02/2012 14:14

I also don't understand enrolling a 16mo in nursery unless you are working BUT could your OH be a bit down / depressed, does she have a job? It's hard out there and sometimes it's very hard to actually get your confidence back and get out there after being off with a baby for a year or more....

blackeyedsusan · 27/02/2012 14:14

I am struggling to understand.

baby 16 months.
sahm
baby in nursery that needs paying for.
the family is short of money.

at first glance, either the sahm needs to change to part time wok, or nursery needs to stop.

how much cooking and cleaning? are you sure you do it all because lots of things that happen don't get seen. (unless they are not done)

AvonCallingBarksdale · 27/02/2012 14:15

OP if your child (nicer than "the kid" btw) is 16 months old and you are on low incomes and your DP feels she's born to be a mum, then there is no need/reason for your daughter to be at nursery. I'm a SAHM who left a pretty well paid career for various reasons, but as soon as I did, both DC came out of childcare until such a time as it became free. However, I'm wondering if you feel like you've been taken for a ride seeing as, in your words, you weren't fussed about having a baby. It's the unequal side to the way you describe the relationship that bothers me. My DH works all hours but is happy for me to be at home - currently studying. He knows that he doesn't have to worry about all the extras like plays, appointments, sickness as I'm there to do it all and, essetially, keep the house ticking over. But I think if you feel that this wasn't what you signed up for, then that's a problem. I think you need to have a calm conversation with your DP, and get it all out in the open.

MrsKittyFane · 27/02/2012 14:15

DomeDon
Why is it sexist to think that time spent in the park with DC, meet ups with other mums, cooking meals, washing, ironing are more enjoyable compared to going out to work?
These activities/ chores are more enjoyable IMO. I've done both (SAH/work FT & PT) and I know which I prefer to spend my time doing.

theDevilHasTheBestMNNames · 27/02/2012 14:16

Are you sure she not just having a wobble?

Going back to a job your unhappy with and leaving a baby you love to do so must be very hard. Perhaps she just needs some support and a bit of reassurance?

Original poster
Zealey · 27/02/2012 14:17

To those who've asked for more info: I have to pay for the nursery at the moment as we don't get it free and partner has no independent income. DD stays for two hours a day, five days a week. While I agree it can come across as provocative to say 'coffee mornings and walks in the park' (and swimming with large lattés afterwards) - this is actually the state of affairs, unless she's lying to me about what she gets up to with her circle of new mums whilst I'm grinding away at the salt mine ;)

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread