to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

[Zealey]

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

So on the one hand you are being unreasonable, ill informed etc to think that looking after a child is easy. It so is not!

On the other the child should not be going to nursery if you cant afford it.

I personally think that if she wants to be a sahm then fine as you might not make a profit after nursery costs if she was working anyway. But i do think that isnt the issue so much. You sound very unappreciative of the job she does as a mum and rather resentful. This is common in dads who havent been experiencing for themselves what being a sahp is actually like.

Im also wondering if you are one of those people who only see a persons worth and contribution in terms of the amount of money they bring in.

[fatlazymummy]

If she wants to be a SAHP how about she looks about for some evening work or some kind of work she can do at home. That way she can be with her child all day long and still bring in some income. Plus there is no need for paid childcare as the child will be looked after by both parents.
This is what quite a few families do.

[TeWihara]

Bit boring if so.

[HillyWallaby]

Actually I think for a couple on one income, without much spare cash, it's jolly good of him to agree to five days a week of two hours a time nursery, while his DP stays at home full time. This child is only 16 months old remember. I don't know how long she's been going to nursery, but most children don't usually go until they are 2 and half, and even then maybe only for three days a week.

If she loves being a SAHM so much perhaps so should try doing a bit more of it. I think she is having her cake and eating it. I don't blame him for being a bit miffed.


(and I say that as a dyed-in-the wool SAHM of almost 20 years)

[undercoverPrincess]

I don't know many nurseries that would even do two hours five days a week for a 16month old.... None round here would sessional care is only available from 2, Nursery is full days or at the very least half days.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

2 hours in nursery is not a long time. It is hardly worth the hassle of getting the child ready, going there, and picking her up again!

[letseatgrandma]

To the person above who said that 2 hours whilst the child is in nursery is ok as it gives her time to go to the gym and get the chores done; that's fine as a luxury IF money isn't tight.

If it is tight, then surely that's one of the first thing that needs to go. Also, a 16 month old will get just as much socialising out of going to a toddler group twice a week!

[dancingonthinice]

Cake and eat it spring to mind about DW.

[QuintessentialyHollow]

I guess that depends on how much each session cost, though?

But I agree that playgroup once or twice a week, or gymboree or monkey music serve the same purpose. As do coffee mornings.

[crashdoll]

undercoverPrincess I worked at 2 nurseries that ran short sessions for children from the ages of 6 months up.

[dancingonthinice]

Jeez op, your out? What like dragon's den? no sticking power

[letseatgrandma]

Absolutely, QuintessentiallyHollow!

OP-out of interest; how much are you paying for the child's nursery fees?

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

Monkey music is expensive.

[malinois]

@WhiteTrash: My understanding was that he is paying for nursery fees on the understanding that his DP would go back to work P/T, ramping up to F/T (hence more hours in nursery as he discusses)

She has now changed her mind and wants to SAH with DC still in nursery (and increase the hours), and won't engage with him on any alternatives.

It doesn't sound remotely unbelievable to me, I know of a few women who have done the same - the moaning in the pub after work by various wimpy hard-done-by husbands has to be heard to be believed. It's usually concurrent with an enforced move out of London leaving the poor sap with a massive commute while his DW plays home counties Boden lady.

I usually nod sympathetically while thinking "grow some you mug."

[redridingwolf]

'the kid' isn't a very charming way to talk about your child. I find that U.

[Gribble]

Im confused OP, did she have an extended maternity agreement with work? I thought mat leave ended when the child is 12 months so how come the kid is 16 months and she has only recently decided she doesnt want to go back?

Damn decent of the company to hold her role open for that long innit?

[crashdoll]

YANBU in that you feel angry she's not taking your feelings into account by making this decision alone. Also, I agree with those who say the nursery is a luxury you cannot afford and not neccesary with a 16 month old. However, YABU in saying stay at home parenting is all 'swimming and lattes'. If you were the SAHP, I think you'd find the reality a lot different.

[undercoverPrincess]

crashdoll sorry I didn't realise I wish some round here would my only option if I wanted a few hours out is full day care of childminders....

[QuintessentialyHollow]

But, playing devils advocate (and going in a time machine back to the fifties )

How about if the OP ensures he finds better paid work that will enable his wife to luxuriate in sahm-hood in style!? Why stay in a low-income job?
Why not suggest you retrain, better your career prospects, while she also works, so you can get a bigger house, lunches out, days at the hairdressers, etc? Then for the NEXT child, she can become a real sahm...

[theDevilHasTheBestMNNames]

You need to talk to each other.

Perhaps her understanding of your financial situation is vastly different to yours? Perhaps she's not happy with the nursery and reluctant to leave her DC there all day - and needs to look at what other options there are? Perhaps she needs to ask for part-time hours especially if she goes back initially or at least know that is an option which might work out better financially with childcare costs? Perhaps she need to look for a different job? Perhaps she in such a state about going back she she can't see beyond her fear?

I suggest you put aside your anger and try an non confrontational talk and try and find out what is going on and point out the implications of her current thinking ie not doing nursery, being short of money, you feeling resentful ect.

[BeattieBow]

well if money's tight and she's at home, she should be looking after the baby full time imo.

As for whether she's entitled to stay at home, this is something for both of you to discuss. I do go out to work, and one of the factors in the pressure my partner feels under if he is the sole wage earner in the family. I am currently pg, and me and my partner had an understanding from before I got pg that I won't take much unpaid maternity leave as we can't really afford it. I would understand that he would be pissed off if I changed my mind.

[TheCrackFox]

Something doesn't add up here.

If you are a low income how can you possibly afford nursery? If your DW was desperate for some time to herself would it not make more sense to wait a few months until your child us old enough for playgroup which works out far, Far cheaper.

Also if you both gave badly paid jobs it would make more sense for your DP to look for evening and weekend work ther or negating the need for paid childcare altogether.