to be angry that she's changed her mind about going back to work

[Zealey]

OK. I'm a man, (so that immediately probably makes me disliked here ;) But, I'd genuniely like a female perspective on this.
I wasn't fussed about having a baby, but my partner was so desperate that I wanted to make her happy. Now baby is here I'm glad I did. BUT. As we are both on low-incomes I said I'd be happy to have a child on the understanding that when our child started nursery she would return to work.
Now our kid has, she's arbitrarily decided that no, she enjoys being a stay at home mum, and if I don't like it I can go shit. No discussion, no compromise.
We will now struggle to survive financially. I'm unhappy about the sexism angle as well: why can't I stay at home having coffee mornings and walks in the park with friends whilst the kid spends the day at the nursery? Why do I have to be the one to go back to work?
Am I being out of order to feel mislead and pissed off?
Thanks for listening, I just needed to vent somewhere...

[ViviPru]

If she was to come on here and put her side of the situation forward to convince us YABU, OP, what do you think she'd day?

[Northey]

He's not dismissing what his wife does, purplepidgin. He's questioning whether she's being unreasonable in insisting that she stays at home to do it without discussing it with him (the one who is financing it). Maye he would like to stay a home full/part time instead? Maybe they will be better off (even allowing for childcare costs) if his wife goes back. The point is, she can't just decide this on her own. It doesn't jus affect her.

[TheCrunchUnderfoot]

I see your point entirely.

You can't force her to work - but you certainly CAN lay the law down about paying for nursery care while your wife is at home!!

She was born to be a mother and wants to be one full time? - you are both on low incomes - then she needs to BE a mother full time and save on nursery costs AT THE VERY LEAST.

YANBU.

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

Igggi the child isnt old enough for free nursery.

[Zealey]

@ViviPru. I think she'd say 'it's no one else's business' and get very defensive because deep down she knows she's in the wrong. (Not to be a SAHM, but because she changed our agreement)

[Zealey]

@Northey. Thanks, I just ignored Purplepigeon comments as they were too judgmental and ill-informed to bother responding too.

[TeWihara]

Try not to be too cross, but sit down and show her the maths, if you were on low wages I can't imagine you can afford to keep paying nursery fees and also have a parent at home.

It is really hard work being a full time stay at home parent to a toddler, and in a lot of situations it doesn't make much difference income wise between doing that and having a second wage so if she does decide to take your child out of nursery and be a SAHP full time I wouldn't be so sure she's got the better deal!

In terms of who is doing what jobs around the house a good measure is whether you have the same amount of free time at the end of the week.

[AgnesBligg]

I thought the free nursery hours were when the child is three.

[maybenow]

yabu being angry at her not wanting to go back to work... nobody can tell how they'll feel until they are parents. and if her job is low paid she probably won't make much money out of if (if any) once childcare is paid for

yanbu to not want to pay for nursery fees though, unless your wife is really struggling, a 16mnth old doesn't 'need' nursery if they have a stay at home parent and local toddler groups etc.

[GlueSticksEverywhere]

Your op made it sound as though your child was in full time nursery while you wife was at home. In fact the child goes a few hours a morning . . . time that goes very fast.

Exactly how many hours a week?

[Bellstar]

I cant believe some of the nasty replies on this thread-oh no wait yes I can because I forgot we have moved on from benefit bashing to sahm bashing this month on mn

[theDevilHasTheBestMNNames]

It is AgnesBligg expect-in in deprived areas with families on low incomes where funding can be applied for at 2.

[Labootin]

the nursery aspect is puzzling...
What would have been the childcare arrangements had your wife gone back to work as planned?

[ViviPru]

Was is an agreement though? Or was she so consumed with the desire to have a baby she'd have agreed with anything? In your OP it sounds as though you TOLD her your conditions, and now she's TELLING you hers, not much give-and-take on either side. While I appreciate at the time you felt like your 'give' was agreeing to have the baby. She probably won't have seen it that way.

FWIW, I think YANBremotelyU, but I think there is value in trying to get a handle on her perspective.

[MamaMary]

I'm assuming the child is 3 and at a pre-school-type government-funded nursery. OP, is that right? There is some confusion here.

[ViviPru]

'was it'* not 'was is'.

[legallyblond]

Exactly what maybenow said! She should of course be "allowed" to stay at home - it really is impossible to know how you'll feel about that before you have a child. But I think you're within your rights to say no to nursery. It is not needed. There are heaps and heaps of free and fantastic surestart and parent and toddler groups she can go to with your baby for social interaction and everything.

[WhiteTrash]

Why is the child in nursery? Why?

[Labootin]

Personally I can't see the need for a 16 month old to be in nursery for a few hours if either parent is at home especially if money is tight

( mind you I would have chewed my arm off to get a few free hours when my children were that age)

[Zealey]

OK. Thanks for the insights. I'll show her this thread, hopefully as a starting point for a discussion.

[TeWihara]

Mama - No the OP said the baby is only 16mths, so definately not funded.

[LingDiLong]

Ok, there MUST be more to this than meets the eye. Why is she not taking any financial responsibility? Does she not realise you can't survive without her working? Why doesn't she realise that, have you shown her in black and white?

I agree you are very dismissive of her role though. I'm at home with a 20 month old and believe me a life of coffee mornings and swanning about with friends it ain't! I'm assuming you're having some big problems in your relationship generally for you both to dismiss each other's point of view so angrily?

[CamperFan]

Agree with maybenow. From what you have said I find it odd that your DW would want to increase a 16 month olds nursery hours further though if she already goes in the morning - how often exactly does she go?

[theDevilHasTheBestMNNames]

MamaMary no it is not the free government 15 hours funding as 16 months is too young for that.