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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 14/07/2011 16:39

It's quite rare for a baby to take on the mother rather than the father's name but that's not a bad thing. What does your partner think?

pjmama · 14/07/2011 16:41

I think whatever you and your partner decide is all that matters, nobody else's business.

squeakytoy · 14/07/2011 16:42

I think its wrong. It isnt just your name, it is your married name and your ex husbands name. Surely if you get married again you will take your new husbands name anyway although I suppose you have to get divorced first. Confused

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 16:43

YABU.

Iyswim, it's not 'your' name to use. It was only yours through marriage.

You are pg by a new partner. Does he not have a say in what his child will be called ?

What about potential confusion over who father of baby is ? I don't think it right that you can just give a baby a name, just because 'you want to'.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:44

he mentioned it briefly but because of the reaction i have got from others so far on the fact i want it to have my name i just sort of brushed it under the carpet and said we would talk about it closer to the time.

OP posts:
plonker · 14/07/2011 16:45

I think its a little unusual but I can totally see why you'd like all your children to share the same surname.

I don't think I'd do it though.

You really ought to discuss it with the babies dad too.

LRDTheFeministNutcase · 14/07/2011 16:45

I can see you wanting all your children to have the same name, but I can also see your current partner's feelings in this.

Ultimately, it doesn't seem fair on him - I think you need to talk about it now, not later.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 14/07/2011 16:46

by law, you can give the baby any name you want to.
it doesn't even have to be a name related to you.

technically, your name is the name you choose to use (there is no law to say that you can't keep a name you have taken on, regardless of marriage or anything else, the way your name becomes your name is by habitual usage.)

so yanbu, but I would talk to your current partner about what he thinks first...

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:48

no wouldnt take husbands name if got married i am a Neal for good now its who i am. its who my children are/ will be. its who i have been for most of my adult life and yes it is MY name even if it is by marriage you dont have to give it back or any thing once you stop being together.

OP posts:
SpecialFriedRice · 14/07/2011 16:48

YANBU to want you and all your children to have the same last name. Doesn't matter how you got that name. It is now YOUR name.

If I have any more children I'd want them to have my name so they match me and DD (mine is my maiden name though) as if I ever get married I don't intend on changing my name.

I actually have my mums xh surname. Think she did it purely because my dad wasn't there when she registered me and she had kept the name as her other children had it. Never bothered me that I had someone other than my dads surname. I liked that I matched my sisters.

loiner45 · 14/07/2011 16:49

I think you should do whatever you and your dp want to do, but it should be a joint decision if you are going to joint parent. My dcs were given my name not my (ex)dhs, but dh was happy with that. I certainly would advise my dds to give a child their name not their dps (seen a lot of issues over lastnames when people split and mothers have different names to children) but ultimately it's up to you. If you have any sense that this relationship won't last then definitely give baby your name!

Takeresponsibility · 14/07/2011 16:50

1.You have made the decision about what your baby is to be called without discussing this with the baby's father.

2.You are having discussions with other people regarding your baby's name before having that discussion with the baby's father.

YABU in your actions let alone your decision

MorticiaAddams · 14/07/2011 16:52

YANBU if your partner is ok with it. I feel the same way about my surname as you, it's mine now (not that Gomez and I will be splitting up). Just because I happened to obtain it via marriage rather than birth doesn't make any difference to me.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:54

tbh takeresponsibility it never even crossed my mind to be an issue until i mentioned it in conversation to a couple of people and got such strong reaction. then that made me not want to talk about it with him because well every thing is going so nicely it it hardly seems that important in the grand scheme of things compared to being good parents and being there for each other and the child.

OP posts:
DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 14/07/2011 16:58

YABU if only because you seem to have discussed with other people but not your current partner yet Hmm He should get a say in what this baby's name should be imo.

I personally wouldn't choose to give my baby the same surname as my ex husband if the baby's father is a new partner and tbh I can imagine most fathers I know would have a major problem with their partner doing this. Howver if both you and your DP are happy to give your child the same name as your ex that's all that matters, not what others think.

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 16:59

It sounds to me like maybe he's not that happy about it and YOU have decided what the baby will be called ?

Why are you not talking about it with him ? Because you are just going to ignore his wishes and just register the baby without him ?

Has it not occured to you that he would like a child of his to have his surname ?

How would you feel if he said he wanted the baby to have his ex-wife's maiden name ?

Odd.

Annunziata · 14/07/2011 16:59

It is important, though, it's the child's name! A lot of fathers find it hard enough to adjust to a baby (is it his first?) without you giving the baby another man's name!

It may be old fashioned and patriarchal but sadly it's the way a lot of people think.

Happylander · 14/07/2011 17:05

I think my DH would have been extremely upset if I had given a name that I had been given through another marriage to my DS (born before we were married)

TBH if it was the other way round and my DH was going to give his ex wife's surname I would have been really really angry, upset and like this relationship wasn't as important.

It sounds like you haven't let go of your marriage, that may not be true, but by you giving your previous married name to a new baby that is what most people will think. I can not understand why you would even think of doing something that clearly disregards your partners feelings and that of your child. How do you think your child would feel if he has the same name as your ex H??? You may think it is your last name but it isn't. You weren't born with it and only got it through marriage.

Awful, selfish thing to do IMO

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:06

mrsdonkey we havent discussed it so he doesnt know my opinion on it yet. i havent discussed it with him yet because of the rather strong reaction i have received and i wanted to see if i was ur in not thinking it was a big deal.
i would not be able to register the baby unless i did not wish to put the father on the birth cert and i have no intention of doing so.
it has obviously occurred to me that he would like the child to have his name but why are his wishes any more valid than mine?
why would he want to give the baby his wife's maiden name??? unless he took her name when they married and then we would have to discuss it if not then your point makes absolutely no sense.
annun its not his first it will be his 4th.

OP posts:
DogsBestFriend · 14/07/2011 17:06

You're the one giving birth to this child, no-one else. That gives you the final say on what he/she's called AFAIAC. (I appreciate that others will have far more inclusive ideas on this!).

Legally you can call him/her what you like. I didn't choose my former husband's name for my children when we were together and I certainly wouldn't have given his name to a child which wasn't his/following seperation but if that's what you want you may do as you please.

Sirzy · 14/07/2011 17:09

I think you need to discuss this with him, I can't see many men being happy with that though. Have you not considered he may also want the same surname as his child?

DogsBestFriend · 14/07/2011 17:11

Sirzy, devils advocate being played here - he can have the same surname as his child... providing he's willing to change his own to match it (and the OP's).

Why should the OP and, by extension her child be the ones to compromise?

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:12

thats a thought suzy wonder if he would change his name too Grin of course i have but i just dont really understand the default setting that the man gets to have the kids in his name obviously i did it the first time round but i was 17 at the time and didnt really think that much about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:13

shoot sorry sirzy not suzy

OP posts:
meowchut · 14/07/2011 17:16

Couldn't you make it sound as if you would like all your children to have the same surname ? Although HE may wish all HIS children to have HIS surname, in which case you would be buggered :)

Maybe have a double b'd name Your name-his name or his name-your name. Although this way you could argue about whose name came first.

My partner and I aren't married, and I wanted our baby to have my maiden name, and he wanted it to have his surname. In the end she has my maiden name as a middle name and his surname as her surname. As I didn't care enough to make a huge argument out of it, and we had lots of other things to be thinking about at the time.

oh, the potential for conflict is vast.

I think you can change a babies name in the first year of their life?