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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:

TillyIpswitch · 15/07/2011 00:48

hairfullofsnakes - have you read beyond the OP?

Her new DP is perfectly willing to have a discussion about it, and understands why she might want to give the baby her (yes, her) surname.

So if he's prepared to be reasonable and consider it, how is the OP BU?

Morloth · 15/07/2011 08:55

I think it makes the most sense for the kids to have the mother's last name.

Our DSs have DH's surname but that is because I didn't really care and he did. If they had been girls however they would have had mine as the nature of the name is a bit hard on a girl when it comes to teasing etc, my SIL has dropped their name as she didn't like it.

There is no 'should' women and children are not property.

TheBigJessie · 15/07/2011 09:47

In your position, I might go for [First name] [Your name]-[His name].

That said, I always think that children should have the mother's surname if the parents aren't married. A little personal prejudice of my own, there.

Allinabinbag · 15/07/2011 10:07

I understand your reasoning, you want all your children to have your family name which is a name you have lived with for all of your adult life.

I didn't give my children my name, but I did discuss it with my husband and he was fine if i wanted to. In the end, I went with his name, but one version of it so they all matched. Technically it should have been feminized but I couldn't cope with three surnames betwen four people.

I still have my own working name, but will answer to Mrs Husbandsname too.

As long as you both agree, I don't see what business it is of anyone else.

CaptainBarnacles · 15/07/2011 10:09

Good for you, and for your DP, OP!

CaptainBarnacles · 15/07/2011 10:10

I think you are doing the right thing, btw. I agree with karmabeliever and morloth.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 15/07/2011 13:04

i spoke to my friend who is in a similar situation to you, spookshow

She took her H's name the first time round, and had 2 DCs with his surname.
then she married someone else, kept that surname, and had 2 more DCs with new DH. They have a hyphenated surname of DWsurname-DH2surname
it works for them, because it shows the DCs are all related, but it also means that the new DH is recognised in the names.

I know that's not necessarily what you will do, but it's always worth hearing about RL situations. :)

Yani · 15/07/2011 14:16

OP - my dc's have my exh name. We never had dc of our own together. The dc are mine and current dp. I met dp before divorced from exh (although seperated for several yrs). My dp has always known me by married name, and our dc were born as divorce proceeded. I kept married name. Our dc have both our surnames. It seems pointless after all this time to revert to my maiden name. Initially dp wasn't too happy, but is fine about it now. HTH.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 16/07/2011 15:30

What about as the child grows up? he/she may want their fathers name and not a random mans name, because no matter what you say he is a random to the child. You may feel it is your name but that's just because you married someone and took it, no other reason. What is the obsession with the child having the same name as the mother?

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 15:49

whats this obsession with the child having the fathers name?

OP posts:

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 16/07/2011 16:04

i know - it drives me mad!
it's not necessary, it's just a "tradition" that is still around.

mummakaz · 16/07/2011 16:25

yabu. Why should your dp's baby have your ExH surname? what if he wanted the baby to have an ex girlfriend/wife surname would you be happy with that? if it was your maiden name then fair enough but you want to give your baby another mans name, thats the problem I have but then it's your business not mine

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 16/07/2011 16:42

but it's her surname!
it doesn't matter whether she got it through marriage or picked it off the back of a magazine - it is her surname.

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 16/07/2011 16:46

It's not about it having the fathers surname, it's about it not having a random's surname! Whether you think it's your name or not is up to you but IMO it's wrong to give it to your child.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 16:46

mumma we have already said that about the ex girlfriend/wife thing. and if he had taken his ex wifes name when they married and he kept it we would have had to given it consideration. if he just wanted to name it after some random for no reason then your point doesnt make any sense because the name bears no relation to him so it would be pointless in naming his child after it.

OP posts:

seeker · 16/07/2011 16:49

I think you were unreasonable to change your name when you got married, more unreasonable not to change it back when you got divorced and even more unreasonable to want to give that name to a new baby. But this is something you really have to discuss with the new baby's father. It may be time to crack open the box of hyphens.

There is no reason why everyone in a family should have the same last name - we are a 3 name family and it has never caused the slightest problem.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 16:52

thats very odd logic thierry, it should be given the name of a man that i have known for only 10 months (however lovely he maybe) or should have my maiden name (a name i wouldnt refer to myself again for all the money in the world on the basis that it is my fathers name, horrible man).
but not my name(a random's name) the child's mother, primary carer, the one who will have the child if the relationship doesnt work out.

OP posts:

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 16/07/2011 16:52

seeker - we will be too - DC will have a different surname from us both (amalgamated rather than hyphenated)
but i do think although OP was UR to take her first H's name, she explained it was cos she was too young to know better.
she wasn't UR not to change it back, though, as she said that she didn't want the name she was given at birth.
she has claimed the married surname as her own.
that's allowable under UK law.

but you are right that hyphens would be useful in this case, and that she has to discuss it with her DP. (which she knows now)
:)

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 16:54

i am not divorced seeker. have no intention of changing my name when i do divorce when ever that maybe be and if you read the thread you will see my dp is totally happy to have the given my name.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 16:55

baby

OP posts:

worraliberty · 16/07/2011 16:56

How do you know you'll have the child if the relationship doesn't work out?

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:05

its a given worra, unless he wants to quit his job or put the child in full time nursery during the week i wouldnt be practical and i dont really think he would take a child away from its brother and sisters. i suppose he could try but i think it unlikely he would.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:09

When he becomes interested in who he is, and his extended family, is he not going to be a bit surprised, or even upset, to have a name of a family that have no connection? My DCs have different surnames-it isn't a problem.
I think that the baby should have your name before you married the first time or his father's name-it is weird to have only the tenuous connection of half sibling's father.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:14

i am not suggesting that is would be a problem for children to have different names i had a different surname to my brother it wasnt a problem and i understood why. i am not giving i a "tenuous connection to their half sibling's father" 's name i will be giving it my name because i want my baby to have a grow up with my name its as simple as that.

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:19

The baby might not think so. I am finding out my family history-a fascinating subject, and I would certainly be cross to find that I had a name that had nothing whatever to do with me.
I suppose it might be different if the baby is to be an equal grandchild to your first PIL and cousin etc. and involved with the family with that name.

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