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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 18/07/2011 17:22

hahahaha eric yep it would be hard to compare the two wouldn't it.
crabs in a bucket, my new favourite saying.

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 18/07/2011 17:22

oh look another crab

OP posts:
MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 17:31

another one telling a woman her name is not her name. MorallyBankrupt seems a wise choice of name. Hmm

lovesicecream · 18/07/2011 17:55

I've never felt my married name is my name and I've had it for 9 years now, it just doesn't feel like mine, don't know why

Original poster
spookshowangel · 18/07/2011 18:00

why did you take it loveice out of interest?

OP posts:
MsPlaced · 18/07/2011 21:08

You can go back to your old name anytime you like you know.

Tidey · 18/07/2011 21:24

I know someone in a vaguely similar situation. She married Mr X, divorced him but kept the name. She then had a baby with (but didn't marry) Mr Y, baby is called Firstname X-Y. She then got married again and now is Mrs Z. So her child now has a double barrelled name, neither of the names being the mother's. Which is all a bit confusing.

I'm not married to DP but the children have his name because if we ever do get married I would take his name anyway, as I don't have any particular fondness for my own name.

Your situation is perhaps a little unorthodox but if you feel your name belongs to you, even if if it wasn't originally your name, I don't see why anyone would think it's a problem. Each to their own, innit.

lovesicecream · 18/07/2011 22:40

I don't know, It wasn't something I realy thought about at the time, we've been separated for 7 years so I could just change it back f I realy wanted,

Latemates · 18/07/2011 23:55

Well you know my views, I don't think the child will be happy in years to come but thats my opinion and hopefully I'm wrong. You've made the dicision so hopefully you will be able to deal with the strange looks and I do also think people will think the ex is the dad or you still have feelings for the ex. Hope this isn't the case but life is hard on kids and I can 95% garentee that someone will tell this child that their dad isn't their dad through confusion, stiring or general belief at some point duri their life. Hopefully the child will be of the same mind of it's parents and not be negatively effected by this.

And wether you like it or not but your new partners other children are just as important in this new family and are equal siblings to the new baby as your other children.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 08:11

huh? where the hell did the new parters siblings bit come from. are you assuming that the baby would have the same name as its siblings if it had its dads name? then you would be wrong. its best to not make assumptions about things you dont know anything about late.

OP posts:
houseofheave · 19/07/2011 08:25

Oh god. I need to stop reading this thread as some of the comments are making me laugh so hard I can't breathe and I know they're not meant to.

No one is going to give any woman strange looks when she and all of her children have the same name. They are more likely to question someone who has all but one child with the same surname as herself.

No child is going to question their parentage just because of their surname. My DH changed his by deed poll when he was a child to match his mum's new name. Last time I checked he could still remember which was his Dad.

I work in the same office as someone who has my surname. Is he my son, brother, long lost daddy? Oh no! Look! I know who my father is and knowing someone has the same name as me doesn't get me confused!

Maybe you just know some really dumb people Latemates.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 08:28

hahahahahahaha

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 19/07/2011 09:19

DP is Mr Jones
DP's kids are Smith-Jones
OP is Ms Bates
OP's kids are Bates
New kid will be Bates, could be Bates-Jones but then would be the only child in the family with that name. This way he/she will have the same name as 3 of its siblings. I actually think Bates-Jones would be the worst option as it would be the odd one out of the lot.

Latemates · 19/07/2011 10:24

Grrr just lost my reply how frustrating...

Well as you clearly know so much already then I'm sure you don't need my opinions.

But if the baby is bates jones it is linked to both sides of the family.

Now I know children who have been negatively effected by mistaken naming. Now these people may be dumb but it doesn't change the fact that comments will be made.

A colleague of mine had a son before marriage, since getting marriage mum, husband and siblings all have one name. They have not changed first sons name as they believe you can not hide who you are and brush past under carpet and make it something else. Child is happy as they are special and understands why their name is different. This child has very little snide comments made.

On contrast a friend of mine has had to endure a lifetime of whispering, snide comments about now who's your dad, just how are you related to x y z, now hes not you real father is he, isn't you father x etc etc

So these people are awful and I do not condone their behaviour but I am wise enough to realise that that even the best intentions can go horribly wrong due to interfering nasty people that do live in this society to.

Naturally as you know so much I am sure you have considered this already and don't need me to point out something so obvious so I'll go back over to the dumb corner with my views and hope that your child is one of the lucky ones who miss the interfering busybody section of society entirely

MsPlaced · 19/07/2011 10:29

good points houseofheave. I find myself wondering where on earth these people live that a child, who had the same name as its mother and its siblings but not its father, would cause such confusion amongst the locals. And that people will gossip and even question a childs parentage to their face!

I'd move, to be honest. And leave the 1950's as well.

DartsRus · 19/07/2011 11:20

I've never changed my name, can't see the point. It's my name, but while it is my dad's name, breaking these traditions have to start somewhere, so I guess for the first 1 or 2 generations of women keeping their names, those names are likely to have originally been the men's names, it is a transition period after all.

My kids have dp's name, which was agreed after a sensible discussion. I've never had a problem with the kids names being different from mine, so actually I can't really understand the idea that OP (and others) wants her children to all have the same name.

BUT, and it's the big BUT, it's the choice of the OP and her dp. They've had the discussion and agreed their plan and so it's no-one else's business.

OP, hope your pregnancy goes well.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 12:08

actually dp kids are jones-bates she put her name last after they broke up as she wanted her kids to have the same last name as her because she reverted to her maiden.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 19/07/2011 12:15

Nah you've got that wrong you are Bates innit

Original poster
spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 12:20

damn what was she again...its all very confusing....smithhhhhhhhhhhhh ahhhhh. right so his kids are jones-smith Grin anonymity sucks.

OP posts:
houseofheave · 19/07/2011 13:12

Latemates - I believe that confusion can be averted so long as you are not all called Spartacus.

Also, I've heard that the plural of anecdote is not fact.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 19/07/2011 13:19

eric am i detecting a dr who link here or is that a complete misnomer.

OP posts:
houseofheave · 19/07/2011 13:59

I love your use of misnomer there.

I think the french would call that "le mot juste"

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 19/07/2011 15:29

Misnomer

houseofheave · 19/07/2011 15:37

I was thinking more of the second definition below - given what this whole discussion has been about.

?noun
1.
a misapplied or inappropriate name or designation.
2.
an error in naming a person or thing.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 19/07/2011 16:00

Grin very good!