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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 17:20

This is a completely useless conversation then isn't it ?

You asked a question, asked if YABU and people have given you their responses. I have said YABU, imho.

I suggest you discuss it together and decide together on a name you are both happy with. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

But I just don't understand ? (maybe I'm old-fashioned ?) Why would you put Dad on the birth cert. but not give baby his name ? I don't see that it has anything to do with anyone's 'wishes' being more important, I thought it was a 'normal' thing for a baby to have his/her's father's surname ?

Maybe it is the way you are coming across, as if you are going to 'tell' him that HIS baby will have YOUR ex-husband's surname, because it happens to be your name too ? I asked how you would feel if he wanted the baby to have his ex-wife's maiden name because that is how ridiculous this seems to me ? What if he did ? Just 'because' he can call the baby what he wants too.

His ex-wife (if he has one) is NOTHING to do with the baby, so why would her name be involved......a bit like, why would your ex-husband's ?

DogsBestFriend · 14/07/2011 17:20

What if spook gives her child the father's name and then they split up in less than friendly circumstances? It's a rotten thought but should it happen after she's named her child John Partnersname when her other children are called Spookshow she'll be stuffed and John would be saddled for life with a name different to that of his mum and siblings and belonging to a possibly estranged man. If John's dad didn't want to agree to John changing the name there would be nothing which could be done about it.

I am so glad I gave my DC my name - their estranged, feckless father's name is not one which brings us any pleasure or comfort.

Besides, I think this whole patriarchal society where the tradition stems from a woman, her assets and her child being owned by a man is pants!

Takeresponsibility · 14/07/2011 17:20

Talk to him, not us.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:21

when his wife and he broke up she double barrelled their kids name so they wont all have the same name any way.

OP posts:

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 17:22

Would it be a possibility then that maybe you all change your surname, to one you all like ?

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 14/07/2011 17:29

mrsdonkeybucket - why should she?
it is old-fashioned, you're right.

just because a father is named on the birth certificate doesn't mean he has the right to dictate what the child's surname should be (he gets a say, yes, but it houldn't be his choice by default )

it's only normal because society has dictated for centuries that it should be the case.
we don't live within those constraints anymore - women are not property, and don't have to do what the man wants without question.

but i do agree with your last statment that a good compromise for everyone would be to change all the surnames to another one (of course, the problem with this is that the existing children have to have their father's permission to do so, because she was married to him)

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 14/07/2011 17:30

it actually makes sooo much more sense for children to have the mother's name, because it's usually the mother that gets residency of the children in the case of a split.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:33

my exh has nothing to do with my baby but my name does it just so happens to be the same as my exh and there in lies the conundrum, and yes mrsdonkey i am asking if i abiu and i am getting some mixed views but i suppose regardless i am also pretty sure of my decision. i have to ask you why do you think that children should have there fathers name? are there fathers the ones who carry them? give birth to them? in most cases the primary carer? do they forever carry the marks on their body from pregnancy and labour? (that all sounds a bit feminist doesnt it?) and in most cases of separation and divorce its the father that leaves. so even in modern society it would make more sense for the children to take their mothers name.

OP posts:

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 17:38

See ? I told you, I'm old-fashioned !

It honestly has never occurred (sp ?) to me to have a baby and give said baby my surname. (Would have been a choice too, my father's surname, who was in fact just a sperm donor, or my adopted surname that belongs to a family I have nothing to do with ?)

I just (wrongly, I now see) assumed that people got together, had babies (whether married or not) and baby took on Dad's surname. Not as a 'choice' but just as 'that is the way it's done'.

I have never thought about it in the context of women being 'property', and deferring to 'the man'. I didn't realise people felt that strongly about it.

Sorry if I have upset people unintentionally.

NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe · 14/07/2011 17:42

but i think you're right - people do do it because they assume "that's the way it's done"
(it does make me quite angry though - almost like they're saying that it can only be proven that the baby's father is such because the baby's got his name. )

it's not you that's offended, it's the general attitude that perpetuates

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 17:43

its very odd when you think about it really because the reason i never went back to my maiden name was because it was my fathers name and he wasn't a very nice man. i got to pick to keep this name, i suppose i could have gone to my mums maiden name or my step dads name but neither of those names mean anything to me or represent a part of me or my life.

OP posts:

MsTeak · 14/07/2011 18:02

So a woman is supposed to take her husbands name on marriage but its not hers and she's not allowed to keep it after divorce and if she has another child she is supposed to give it the new mans name...?

What the fuck? Has the entire notion of feminism passed you lot by? She has CHOSEN to keep the name she feels is appropriate for her and she can CHOOSE to give it to her child if she wants. We are not property of our menfolk and don't only get the names others deign we are allowed to use.

mrsscoob · 14/07/2011 18:13

YANBU I personally think it is better for children to have their Mothers surname and I also think it is nicer for the child to have the same surname as his or her siblings. Regardless of how you came about the name you have, it is your name now and the name of your other children so I totally understand why you would want to do this.

I guess its up to you now on how strongly you feel about it and how strongly your partner may feel about it.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 18:30

quick text has revelled that he assumed that i wanted the baby to be called Neal. i said we would talk about it when we saw each other next. seems amicable so far.

OP posts:

G1nger · 14/07/2011 18:32

I'm with you on this. It became your name. You can use it how you wish.

Ineedalife · 14/07/2011 18:33

I just wanted to add, that my 3 Dd's all have my last name despite having 2 different dads. I actually changed Dd1's name from her dads name when we split and then it seemed natural to give the other 2 the same name. My Dp doesn't mind, he got to chose Dd2's first names and had a big say in Dd3's aswell.

It does cause some confusion when people assume he is not Dad to any of them but hey the benefits outway the downers.

Good luck whatever you decide[hgrin]

fatlazymummy · 14/07/2011 18:41

If I wasn't married to the father of my children I would have registered them with my surname, so I agree OP you are not unreasonable. Having said that it is better to discuss these matters and to come to an agreement.

SmartyHan · 14/07/2011 19:34

A bit random.... But shouldn't you ask your ex husband?? He'll have a baby that is not his associated with him!? People make think that is isn't pulling his weight with the new baby, they will probably assume he is the father. I feel sorry for the baby's father.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 19:41

its not really anything to do with my ex though is it, if he is worried about what other people think then i am sure he will take great pleasure in explaining the situation to people. i am only really worried about dp.

OP posts:

ThierryHenryismyBoyfriend · 14/07/2011 19:46

I think it is unfair on your DP and I think YABU.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 19:48

why is it unfair to my dp?

OP posts:

RitaMorgan · 14/07/2011 19:57

I have given my son my surname for just this situation - remarriages/subsequent children in the future - as it is important to me that all my children have the same name, my name.

If you want your baby to have your name, then I think that's fine. Maybe a compromise of His name-Your name?

MsTeak · 14/07/2011 20:07

Why should she ask her exhusband? Its HER name. Hers. Nothing to do with him.

Robins · 14/07/2011 20:08

My husbands ex-wife and her second hubby have two sons who have my husband's name and her second husband has it too! Now that is odd but I will explain. My husband and his ex were well and truly happily divorced when we met and myself and her second husband were nothing to do with the divorce and they got married a few months before us, 18 years ago so all going well! A few days before she was due to get married she phoned my hubby asking if he minded if her second hubby took our name as she wanted to keep the same name as her two children by my husband. My husband is one of those men that goes along for a quiet life and to get her off the phone as soon as possible he agreed. But he didn't tell me at the time.....Now a few years done the line they have two sons carrying on our name! It took me a long time to get over it and still not really happy. It is extremely odd for a man to do that. But what does your partner think, will he want his child to have your ex's name?

33goingon64 · 14/07/2011 20:10

Whatever you do you should make sure your children all share the same surname. Its important that no-one feels 'different'. I know a family where a similar situation occured and they all now go by the woman's mother's maiden name (cos they liked it).

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