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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:25

what a very odd thing to be cross about because you obviously wouldnt have known about it before so it couldnt have been a big deal. and the baby will have a name that will have something to do with it, it will be its family name its brother and sisters name and its mothers name.

OP posts:
AuntiePickleBottom · 16/07/2011 17:26

Tbh in theory it lovely, I am glad your oh has agreed to it

OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:30

I would have been so pissed off with my mother had she done what OP has planned, regardless wether my father had agreed to it or not. Incidentally, my siblings and I have different names and it NEVER made a difference to us growing up.

i will be giving it my name because i want my baby to have a grow up with my name its as simple as that.

If my mother had given this reason, I would have thought her extremely selfish. I would have asked her what about me, my name, my heritage? A name means so much, history, heritage, pride.

exoticfruits makes a valid point:

When he becomes interested in who he is, and his extended family, is he not going to be a bit surprised, or even upset, to have a name of a family that have no connection?

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:32

As an adult I am very proud of what I have found out about my family history and the names so I would be cross to find I had one that had something to do with my mother and siblings but nothing to do with me!
Is he going to be equal with his siblings with the family of the ex?

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:35

I'm glad that it is not just making a fuss OurPlanetNeptune-I would be deeply upset that my heritage didn't matter and people doing my siblings family history wouldn't even include me. He won't mind when he is little, but he might be very annoyed when an adult.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:36

It is really saying that names, heritage and history have no importance.

OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:40

Indeed, exotic. It is the Op's choice but this is AIBU and I have to state I find it very odd. Selfish, perhaps. I suppose it may be cultural differences but where I am from your name is a like a gateway to your heritage. When you are of age you learn more about those who came before you and in my research I have found some amazing things about my family. My People. My Name. My Blood.

OP, YABU.

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 17:40

so your fathers name equals heritage and pride, your mothers name means she's selfish and is unimportant?
Wow. Daddy ishoos!

OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:44

I may be being dense here, so someone correct me if I am wrong, but it seems OP is saying:

convenience, perception by others, her personal preferences are more important than history and heritage, and the child's sense of their true identity?

I really am baffled.

BluddyMoFo · 16/07/2011 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:48

this is amusing you can have a heritage if that kind of thing is important to you what ever your name is. i would have thought it was the things (these people you have never met nor have anything to do with) did that impressed you rather than they had the same name as you.
most of my family had a completely different name to me when i was growing up because my mum got married and i was given my fathers name so does that mean they are any less my auntys or uncles or grannys or grandads. the baby might be very annoyed when its an adult or it might have webbed feet or it might not give two craps about something so trivial and just be happy to have a loving family, who knows.
i know what i would prefer

OP posts:
MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 17:48

and you can only have a sense of your true identity by having your fathers name? Why exactly?

I'm baffled at your inability to grasp that a mother has a name too, and might want to give it to her child. If you've never come across notions like this I imagine you are baffled on a daily basis.

OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:48

MsPlaced? You do not know me, so STFU with the 'daddy ishoos'. If the OP had decided to give the child her name then brilliant, I am baffled with the need to give the child a name that has in terms of heritage and history is irrelevant to the CHILD.

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 17:49

your post was pretty clear. Maybe its mommy ishoos then, its certainly something.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:50

There is nothing at all wrong in the DC having the mothers name!!!!

The whole issue is that the mother doesn't have her name-she has her exH name.

Give the DC a name that belongs to him-it could be his maternal grandmother's name -it doesn't really matter as long as it is part of his heritage.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:53

and which maternal grandmothers name should i give the baby her maiden name or one of her two married names?

OP posts:
OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:53

I am going to ignore you MsPlaced because clearly you are spoiling for a fight, go and get your kicks elsewhere.

Op, I have given my boys my name (and they also have their father's name). But is it that which was given to me at birth. So this idea that you can name a child, whio's father is present by another MAN's name is completely alien to me and unheard off where I'm from.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:54

why do you keep referring to my baby as a he just out of interest?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:55

I don't mind whether women keep their own name or change it on marriage, I think it personal choice and I am Mrs (DH's name) . I have never been convinced by any of the arguments for keeping my own until today. My DS have different father's-I can't imagine calling DH2's DC by DH1's name-much better for me to have kept my own name and handed it on.

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:55

I thought it was he-couldn't be bothered to look back.

MsPlaced · 16/07/2011 17:56

so not answering the question then? Quelle surprise. OP has said that in her opinion it is not another mans name, it is HER name, you seem "baffled" by very simple concepts. Perhaps you should get out more?

(BTW, you're not that interesting and I'm really not that into you)

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 17:58

and which maternal grandmothers name should i give the baby her maiden name or one of her two married names?

Who cares as long as it has a connection with the baby and he/she isn't being handed family name that has no connection other than the convenience of the mother.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 16/07/2011 17:59

you are talking about your name but actually you are talking about another mans name, your fathers. its slightly different obviously because he is blood related to you but the reason you have that name is because you mother married him and took his name. and so it has been for years and the buck has to stop some were and i choose here. i will keep my name and encourage my daughters to keep theirs and name their children after them and start a whole new heritage.

OP posts:
OurPlanetNeptune · 16/07/2011 17:59

exoticfruits, can ask, why until today? This thread or the research you are doing about your heritage?

exoticfruits · 16/07/2011 18:01

It is not her name-she took her exH's name.

Obviously if you have no interest in family history you don't think it matters. It does matter to lots of people -it is the second most popular use of the internet-and you can't know that the baby won't be interested as an adult and find his/her heritage very important.