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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

babies last name.

376 replies

spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 16:38

i kept my husband last name after we separated and i intend to keep it. i met my husband when i was 17 and we were together for 10 yrs, married for 7. we have now been separated for 2. its the name my 3 children have and its my name as far as i am concerned, some people were quite surprised that i didnt go back to my maiden name but that wasnt me any more. so now i am pregnant with my new partner i intend to give the baby my last name. many people are shocked at this because ultimately it is my exH name. i explain to them that its my name but they think its quite wrong and dont think dp should or will stand for it (we havent discussed it yet). so mumsnet jury aibu to give my baby my married last name iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 21:52

no msteak unfortunately it isnt going to be that simple he assumed thats what i wanted. he said on the phone that he understands why i would want my kids to have MY name. he also said he would like for it to have his but then said that, it would be living with me and my children and if we ever broke up i would be the primary carer he also made some of the points you guys did about confusion over the parentage. but then said who gives a fuck so long as the important people know. i read him some of your posts so he could get a balanced view he laughed and said he didnt think i was being ur but we needed to talk about it some more so we could both be happy.

OP posts:
MsTeak · 14/07/2011 21:53

even if he isn't, that doesn't change my point at all, which is that y'all need to wake up to the fact that women have their own names even if they acquired them from men, and can call their children by their own names. All this twittering about what she should or should not do is nonsense.

MsTeak · 14/07/2011 21:55

why not have firstname hisname yourname, then everyone has a bit and for practical purposes your children all have the same name.
Either way, its for you 2 to decide, but don't let any gubbins about tradition and rules get in the way of your decisions. Just because some people are unable to see anything other than the done thing doesn't mean we're all that backwards.

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 21:56

spooks

Would it be possible for you to all change your names to a double-barrelled of you and your DCs surname-partners surname ?

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 21:57

middle names are his all ready in the sense that if its a girl will be his mum and his sister name and if its a boy his dad and his brother...is that not enough Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 22:00

no mrs donkey get why you are saying it but kind of defeats the purpose. i dont want any other name i like mine. he did say he would consider changing his if it wasnt for his kids....my he is progressive isnt he.

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mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 22:00

Erm, excuse me. I am most certainly not 'backwards'.

How rude.

I think what you meant to say is that maybe some of us don't realise that when it comes to naming your child that there are other options than the 'traditional' way. Whatever people choose to do is up to them, and we should all be grown-up enough to come on here and have an adult discussion about it. We may even learn something we didn't know.

mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 22:02

Ah well, spooks.

I'm sure it will all come right in the end. Smile

As long as you are both happy, that's all that matters.

MsTeak · 14/07/2011 22:02

whoever said she should ask her exhusband (for permission to use her own name!) is pretty backwards in my book. If you don't agree, I suggest you could do with dragging into this century too.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 22:04

thanks mrsdonkey

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 22:05

have to say i agree with msteak about the ask exs permission Hmm

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mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 22:06

Maybe you could let us know how you get on. I would be interested to know now what you decide !

All this is too new-fangled for me !

CurrySpice · 14/07/2011 22:06

I can understand you keeping your "married" name when you divorced - I would too because I would want to have the same name as my DC

But if I had a baby with DP (I'm not by the way - just in case my mom is reading :o) then I think I would give it DP's name

But I'm not sure why. Possibly because his name is nicer and more interesting than mine

TidyDancer · 14/07/2011 22:07

Normally I'm the first to defend the right to give a baby the mother's name rather than the father's. DP and his siblings have their mum's surname afterall and their dad has no issue with it, but I can completely understand why your DH may have a problem with this. I don't know the solution though, because I also understand your perspective.

Sorry, I don't think that was much help, I just wanted to say I don't think either of you are unreasonable, just that I get the dilemma.

angrytree · 14/07/2011 22:16

Will you all stop going on about 'another man's name' etc?! It's HER name!!

rogersmellyonthetelly · 14/07/2011 22:18

Yanbu. Your ex doesn't have exclusive rights to your surname, so whats the problem. If I were in your situation i would give your baby your name which is the same as all your other children. How you came to be called that name is irrelevant as other than your immediate family and friends, most people won't know that it isn't your maiden name, and even if they did, is it really any of their business?
I really don't like this idea of giving the baby the fathers name as if by fathering the child and giving it their name they somehow own it.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 14/07/2011 22:20

You know whenever the issue of keeping/changing names on marriage is discussed, there's usually a response along the lines of 'but your maiden name is a man's name' and people respond with the fact that a woman's name might have originated with a man, but it becomes the woman's own name. This is really what has happened here - OP has had her name for 1/3 of her life and sees it as her name, so she has the right to give it to her new baby.

smilesy · 14/07/2011 22:59

I kept my married name after my divorce as exH and I have 2 DS. I am now re-married and have DS3. I have changed my name to DH's and DS3 has his father's name. It would have seemed odd to use my previous married name as exH and I are still on good terms and have lots of contact beccause of DS1 and 2, and DH and ExH get on well. DS1 and 2 are not bothered in the slightest by having a different name to DS3 and myself (admittedly they are teenagers) . ExH also has another DS with his DW who does not have his name (his DW has 2DS with her name and they have given DS3 that name - hope you are following this!)
I suppose what I am trying to say is that you must do what you are both comfortable with but that having different names within the same family is not the end of the world. I know that DH would have been upset if I had not given DS3 his name as would his parents as DS3 is very likely to be their only grand-child. I am not sure why people get so worked up about keeping their name. It does not change who you are as a person.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 14/07/2011 23:12

done and dusted he has agreed to my name all off his own back just phoned me back and said it was the most logical thing to do. Smile

OP posts:
mrsdonkeybucket · 14/07/2011 23:14

Glad to hear it has all worked itself out.

Best of luck and congrats on the new baby soon to be in the family ! Smile

SoloAgainItSeems · 14/07/2011 23:18

Both my Dc's have my surname, which was my exh's name, which was neither of my Dc's father and neither of them have the same father! I kept my exh's surname because I am most comfortable with it; I hated my maiden name because no one could spell it or pronounce it. Ever. Dd's father insisted that Dd had 'my' surname and not his and not a double barrelled one combining both of ours, so, my children have my name. End of.

SoloAgainItSeems · 14/07/2011 23:19

Therefore, YANBU.

fedupofnamechanging · 14/07/2011 23:30

Glad it worked out. I think you are doing the right thing. It is your name, no matter how you acquired it and I think it's nice for your children to all have the same last name.

When you think about it, how many of us have the name we are 'supposed' to?
My DH got his name from his dad, who had been adopted by his step father as a toddler. If FIL's mum hadn't married, DH (and by extension me and the DC) would have an entirely different last name. As it is we have the name of a man who is no biological link to DH. It doesn't matter at all.

If I was to get divorced, I would keep this name because my children have it and if I had a baby with someone else, I would probably do exactly as you are doing.

Tradition is all very well, but people ought to look at the roots of it and remember it comes from ownership of women, so we shouldn't feel bound to honour these traditions if they no longer suit our lives.

Latemates · 15/07/2011 00:07

It all seams rather complex to be fair but I like to see it from the child/children point of view. In is situation the child may feel grateful that it has the same name as it's siblings on the mothers side (but not the fathers side) or on the other hand it may feel cheated especially if this relationship also breaks up. As this Childs siblings have the name of their father but this child father did not potentially care enough to give the child even their name (in the Childs eyes). The name that his other 3 children were allowed. I know that the new partners ex has now double barrelled their nMe but originally they had fathers name and now still has a part. It's funny that so e posters havesugested that a father wanti g their child to have their name speaks of old ownership history but a mother can say this and be seen as caring as she went through the pregnany and birthing and therefore must be the more Important parent. The child has 2 parents, 2 equal parents and a child cannot be made without both a mother and a father.

hairfullofsnakes · 15/07/2011 00:21

Yabvvvu and I can't see him being happy with this as the fact is, it is your exH's surname and it is totally reasonable that he would not want his child carrying the surname of your exH. If it was your original surname fair enough to discuss and even double barrel but what you are thinking is totally unreasonable