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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's birthday or cousin's wedding?

158 replies

MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 18:39

I am due to go to my cousin's wedding in just over 2 weeks.

It is a 4 hour drive so my parents are driving up the day before (DP's birthday) and we get a free lift - otherwise it would be train and I don't think we could afford it.

DP has just decided he doesn't want to go now. He said he is happy to come up by train on the morning of the wedding (ceremony takes place at noon), but it would mean him leaving at about 6am (ferry to catch, train connections etc). I am not prepared to do that - I'll be 21 weeks PG, suffering with terrible back pain, if we miss one connection (theres quite a few) we will miss the ceremony and quite frankly its too bloody expensive. Unless I don't go to the wedding, I won't be with him on his birthday. I asked him how he feels about me going, and got the "Well, I'm sure I'll find something to do" line...

I really want to go to the wedding, but feel like a complete bitch leaving him on his birthday! But I figure my cousin will only get married once (hopefully) and he will have lots more birthdays (hopefully). Should I go or would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:
Flyonthewindscreen · 05/07/2011 18:43

Cousin's wedding. Surely 2 weeks to go is a bit late to be pulling out of attending a wedding, for you and your DP?

InNeedOfCoffee · 05/07/2011 18:44

I'd go to the wedding, i assume he's known about for a while so why change his mind now? is it a special birthday?

InNeedOfCoffee · 05/07/2011 18:45

Also if you have RSVP as yes then the couple may have already paid for your food.

RuthChan · 05/07/2011 18:45

I think you should go.
As you say, your cousin will only get married once, while your DP will have many birthdays.
It's also possible to celebrate a birthday the day before or after. The wedding can only be celebrated on that particular day.
I think he's being harsh making you feel so guilty, especially when your parents' offer of a lift makes it so much easier for you to get there.

PinkSchmoo · 05/07/2011 18:47

Is his I'll find something to do shorthand for I've arranged something with my friends??

Think he is bu changing arrangements 2 weeks pre wedding. Kind of thing my DH would do not having actually thought what arrangements entailed, ie day in car with ils. Drives me nuts.

I'd stick with the plan and do something before or after his birthday and don't you dare feel bad not being with him.

Yama · 05/07/2011 18:52

Definitely the wedding. I think if your dp said he would go then he should go. Is he a grown up?

maighdlin · 05/07/2011 19:01

sorry but a wedding trumps a birthday. an adult should respect this. he sounds childish.

Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 19:04

Really don't think hes got anything planned instead- the tone of voice was very much 'poor me'. I could practically see the bottom lip.

Yes we RSVPd as a couple a few months back. I have no idea why he has suddenly decided he doesn't want to go but he does seem to do it for all my families functions... thinking about it, every single one... maybe I should have known he would do this.

Feel so embarrased, how do I tell my cousin he's just decided he doesnt really 'fancy' it??? Arggghhhhh :(

OP posts:
eurochick · 05/07/2011 19:05

You can't pull out of a wedding at short notice (assuming you have accepted). He is being childish. Did he stamp his foot as he said it?

defineme · 05/07/2011 19:06

So how old will he be-I assume it's not a big one?
He sounds very immature.
You go to the wedding.
He doesn't want to go at all so he's making excuses.
TBH I wouldn't insist my dh came to a cousin's wedding with me if he thought it would be a pain (brother's maybe but not cousin), but if I wanted to go then my dh wouldn't in anyway try to make me feel bad-cos you know...he likes me!

LeoTheLateBloomer · 05/07/2011 19:07

Am I being thick?

Has he changed his mind about going to the wedding or going up on his birthday? What was that bit about him getting the train on the morning of the wedding?

trixymalixy · 05/07/2011 19:08

How extremely childish of him, is it his 10th birthday perchance?

Weddings definitely trump birthdays.

It is extremely bad form to RSVP and then make poor excuses. They may not have been able to invite everyone the wanted due to venue size and will end up paying for food that won't get eaten.

oohjarWhatsit · 05/07/2011 19:13

unless he is under 10, or its a milestone birthday, he is behaving very very childishly

oohjarWhatsit · 05/07/2011 19:13

lol xposted with trixy

Maryz · 05/07/2011 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing · 05/07/2011 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LolaRennt · 05/07/2011 19:18

He's being an arse, he'll probably have 75+ birthdays in his life. How many times will your cousin get married, why can't you go out the night before (in the town where the wedding is being held?)

PotteringAlong · 05/07/2011 19:19

Wedding. Apart from the fact that your DP will have a birthday every year and your cousin only gets married once, if I was your cousin I'd be really miffed if, 2 weeks before the wedding, 2 people who's RSVP'd yes and who I'd paid for decided not to come for no real reason.

You should both go

PhilipJFry · 05/07/2011 19:22

Go to your cousin's wedding. I think you should ask him why, as you say, he finds a way to bow out of every one of your family functions. It seems quite disrespectful to not go at least some of them. Do you have any idea why he does this?

bigTillyMint · 05/07/2011 19:22

He is BU, for the reasons others have said.

You should go, with your parents - if he is self-centred enough to pull out of going to a wedding at this late moment, he deserves to spend his birthday on his own.

BTW, why does he pull out of all your family's do's? I presume you have talked about it?

Lady1nTheRadiator · 05/07/2011 19:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 05/07/2011 19:26

Actually, if the wedding is going to involve staying in a hotel, seeing old friends and relatives, eating nice food and having drink on tap, then it's not a bad way to spend a birthday actually.
But it sounds as though there's more to this one though, if you have noticed a pattern emerging.
You must go to the wedding, and actually I would be twisting his testicles issuing a three-line-whip for him to attend as well. It's not just any old party. Food has been ordered and paid for. MAJOR offence could be caused if one of you backs out without a really good reason. His birthday the day before doesn't cut it.

Bluebell99 · 05/07/2011 19:31

I'm with everyone else. You should go to the wedding. Tbh he should be going with you. It's too late to pull out. Very rude of your dp.

begonyabampot · 05/07/2011 19:35

wedding over birthday - but then we don't really make much of a fuss about our birthdays. He sounds a bit precious and could be celebrating his birthday and the wedding at the same time.

bubblesincoffee · 05/07/2011 19:42

It would be very rude of either of you nit to got now just because you don't feel like it. They have probably paid for you to be there and done table plans and stuff. They could have invited someone else if you hadn't left it so late, so I don't think you have a choice. You have to got to the wedding and if dh expects you to do that sort of travelling while you are pregnant then he is a selfish arse.