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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's birthday or cousin's wedding?

158 replies

MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 18:39

I am due to go to my cousin's wedding in just over 2 weeks.

It is a 4 hour drive so my parents are driving up the day before (DP's birthday) and we get a free lift - otherwise it would be train and I don't think we could afford it.

DP has just decided he doesn't want to go now. He said he is happy to come up by train on the morning of the wedding (ceremony takes place at noon), but it would mean him leaving at about 6am (ferry to catch, train connections etc). I am not prepared to do that - I'll be 21 weeks PG, suffering with terrible back pain, if we miss one connection (theres quite a few) we will miss the ceremony and quite frankly its too bloody expensive. Unless I don't go to the wedding, I won't be with him on his birthday. I asked him how he feels about me going, and got the "Well, I'm sure I'll find something to do" line...

I really want to go to the wedding, but feel like a complete bitch leaving him on his birthday! But I figure my cousin will only get married once (hopefully) and he will have lots more birthdays (hopefully). Should I go or would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:
ENormaSnob · 05/07/2011 19:44

You can't just decide not to go to a wedding 2 weeks before.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/07/2011 19:46

"I have no idea why he has suddenly decided he doesn't want to go"

Ask him?

You go on to say "he does seem to do it for all my families functions... thinking about it, every single one... " - so there's your opening. 'Why do you drop out of attending my family's celebrations with far too little notice ?' Seriously, you need to get to the bottom of this, it is not on.

Go to the wedding, have a lovely time Smile.

diddl · 05/07/2011 19:47

So you actually have the day together on his birthday-until your parents arrive?

He´s sounds really childish.

HerHissyness · 05/07/2011 19:53

Why is he pulling out? does he do this often with your family events?

If he is not prepared to support you at family events and whatnot, what's he going to be like in 19 weeks time?

FGS it's a free trip, to a wedding, free food, wine/booze.

does he do his fair share of everything else? Is this letting you down and making things hard in front of your family a new thing?

MorticiaAddams · 05/07/2011 20:11

Definitely the wedding. Your dp is (supposed to be) an adult and has a birthday every year. I would be so embarrassed if dh acted like that.

kalo12 · 05/07/2011 20:14

i would insist that he comes to the wedding. i think he is being unreasonable

Anomaly · 05/07/2011 20:49

My DH spent his 30th at my friends wedding and she was kind enough to get him a cake! I can't believe you're letting your DH get away with this I would have a fit but to be fair my DH would never have questioned it he would support me and go to the wedding birthday or not!

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 05/07/2011 21:02

Your DP is behaving like a spoilt toddler throwing a tantrum. Tell him to grow up and stop being so rude and childish. His birthday can be celebrated the weekend before or after.

roses2 · 05/07/2011 21:24

Have you any idea how much weddings cost? Your hosts will have already paid for your meal and it's very unfair of you to drop out at short notice just because your DP can't be bothered.

squeakytoy · 05/07/2011 21:27

He is being an arse.

If it clashed with a big birthday and arrangements for celebrating it had already been made, then fair enough, but it sounds to me like he wants to go out on the piss with his mates if he says he will meet you there... (which we all know wouldnt happen as he would be too hungover to get up and catch his ferry...)

He can always celebrate his birthday the weekend before or after, he is a grown up not a tantrumming spoilt child I assume...

SheCutOffTheirTails · 05/07/2011 21:34

You feel guilty because he might be spending (half) his birthday alone?

Despite the fact that

1 this would be entirely his choice

2 he is being incredibly rude to your family in his last minute refusal to attend a wedding he had confirmed he would attend?

He is being such an unreasonable, childish brat it's hard to know where to start.

He is expected at this event and it's very late to pull out now. He has always known that the wedding was the day after his birthday, so this isn't some unforeseen event. You are pregnant and deserve better than being asked to get involved in some complicated journey just so he can have his birthday at home. Adults who make a big fuss about their own birthdays are losers.

Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 22:24

I hadn't even contemplated asking why he wont go - I'm just so used to it happening I guess.

Have told him I am going - I would love to arrange something nice just us the day before or after or whatever, his response -

I'll spend it with my mum

He is still offering to come up on the day "if the money is there". So if he hasn't got it on the day I presume I am left to tell my cousin then? Angry

I was going to organise balloons in the hotel room, a nice meal the night of his birthday, a cake etc - glad I didnt bother now.

When I told him I was going, he asked why I was going instead of spending his birthday with him. I said cousin only going to get married once, etc.
He says back - " what makes you so sure - you didn't, did you "

Is it me or is that just being bloody nasty???

OP posts:
choirmum · 05/07/2011 22:28

He's an idiot. Go, have fun and let him stew.

SarahStratton · 05/07/2011 22:32

Bloody nasty. Kick the fucker.

superjobeespecs · 05/07/2011 22:44

thats mean he's just pissed off your putting your family first, as you mentioned he always pulls out of family stuff he'll have thought you would too he sounds a bum Angry

M0rgana · 05/07/2011 22:46

If it's not a significant birthday, stick to your guns ans go to the wedding. It's bad show to pull out of a wedding this late on without a REALLY good reason. A friend got wed recently and people pulled out late on - it was a pain in the nexk for her as she had to reorganise table plans to avoid having gaping holes. Don't think she's forgiven them either, TBH.

Maryz · 05/07/2011 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheCutOffTheirTails · 05/07/2011 23:17

Go to the wedding even if it is a "significant birthday".

Having a zero on your age is not reason to act like a complete twat.

HerHissyness · 06/07/2011 00:13

I hear tiny alarm bells, there are small red flags going up here for me.

Open your eyes OP and be honest with yourself love.

is this man 'good' for you?

diddl · 06/07/2011 07:49

Gosh that was a nasty thing that he said.

I don´t get the "big deal" with adult bdays.

I like a card maybe even a phonecall from family & friends, and presents are nice, as is going out for a meal/drink.

But sheesh, sometimes it´s a work day with work the next day also!

RunAwayWife · 06/07/2011 07:55

Go to the wedding and let him stay home, he is being a prat.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 06/07/2011 08:00

That's how high my eyebrows are raised right now.

He thinks it's alright to pull out of a wedding with two weeks notice, expects you to also cancel on your own cousin at the last second, and is nasty to you when you defend your choice to go?

You need a serious talk, OP, this isn't on and can't continue.

mummytime · 06/07/2011 08:04

If my DH tried to do this all hell would break loose. We have rearranged birthdays before, and for instance this year we are going out for Lunch one mine, but that evening he has to travel and stay in a hotel for an early start the next day. We will also go out for a drink at the weekend. We missed most of my son's birthday last year because of commitments (we celebrated properly a day late, son was 14).

You DH needs to grow up. He should come to the wedding, it is extremely rude not to. He could have said no months ago, now it is too late unless he really is seriously ill. She could have spent a fortune on his meal etc.

As for his comment to you, I suspect he shows a lot more disrespect to you than just this, very childish behaviour.

cwtch4967 · 06/07/2011 08:30

This rings alarm bells with me - I had a very controlling ex who always made excuses about us going to family events, in the end I was quite cut off from my family. It was subtle control at first and I didn't see it, he always had a "good" reason why we shouldn't go and I always felt bad about leaving him behind - he made sure of it - in the end it was easier not to accept in the first place.
He either has a problem socialising with your family or is very controlling, you need to establish what is going on here. He accepted the invitation and should be mature enough to go!
I chose my ex over my family on many occasions because of his need to control me, please don't fall into the same trap.

EightiesChick · 06/07/2011 08:36

Wedding. He's a grown up, he'll cope! Why doesn't he travel on the day like he said but you go earlier, and meet there? His excuses are a bit poor really.

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