Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's birthday or cousin's wedding?

158 replies

MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 18:39

I am due to go to my cousin's wedding in just over 2 weeks.

It is a 4 hour drive so my parents are driving up the day before (DP's birthday) and we get a free lift - otherwise it would be train and I don't think we could afford it.

DP has just decided he doesn't want to go now. He said he is happy to come up by train on the morning of the wedding (ceremony takes place at noon), but it would mean him leaving at about 6am (ferry to catch, train connections etc). I am not prepared to do that - I'll be 21 weeks PG, suffering with terrible back pain, if we miss one connection (theres quite a few) we will miss the ceremony and quite frankly its too bloody expensive. Unless I don't go to the wedding, I won't be with him on his birthday. I asked him how he feels about me going, and got the "Well, I'm sure I'll find something to do" line...

I really want to go to the wedding, but feel like a complete bitch leaving him on his birthday! But I figure my cousin will only get married once (hopefully) and he will have lots more birthdays (hopefully). Should I go or would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 06/07/2011 08:42

Y'know, this bothers me soooo much - because if he is like this now, bottling out of any family function for whatever reason, how much worse is he going to be when your baby comes along? He sounds like a pathetic, stubborn, sulky child and he needs to grow the fuck up before your baby comes.

So - tell him you are going, he can do what he likes - your preference is that he comes with you since he is the father of a new child in your family - but if he can't be bothered, then you will go alone and too bad about his birthday, he can just suck it up. And if he gives you continual shit about it, tell him to fuck off.

TrillianAstra · 06/07/2011 08:47

Is your DP turning 6?

That's the cutoff for insisting on celebrating your birthday on the actual day instead of on a nearby day that is more convenient.

Bonsoir · 06/07/2011 08:53

Thanks for that, TrillianAstra. Have recently had an issue with a family insisting on celebrating a 13 year old's birthday on the actual day, thereby creating an organisational nightmare.

duckdodgers · 06/07/2011 08:54

Im similar to cwtch4967 in that I had an ex like this, started very subtle at first but not long before I was scared of upsetting him and couldnt believe that someone like me - who I had always thought was "strong" could end up being so controlled in a relationship. But not before I was totally isolated from my friends and family. Im lucky as in when I fell pregnant I realised things couldnt go on - as I had someone else to consider now.

Now Im not saying your DP is abusive or anything like that but for me the warning signs are there. Hes expecting you not to go now - and I know you say you will go go - but be honest - will you genuinely have a good time....or will you spend a lot of it thinking you should have stayed with DP for his birthday and/or worrying about his reaction when you get home?

I think you need to have a serious think about this relationship, you to in a few months time will have a child to consider, is it your first?

duckdodgers · 06/07/2011 08:57

"That's the cutoff for insisting on celebrating your birthday on the actual day instead of on a nearby day that is more convenient."

I have a friend who celebrated her DSs birthday a day late - he was only 4 or 5 I think at the time but they had no money till the next day so told him his birthday was the following day!! Grin

xstitch · 06/07/2011 09:00

I think cwtch4967 has a point.

AFAIC he has no right to pout, if he didn't want to go to he should have said so before you accepted. To me you only drop out of a wedding at the last minute if someone takes too ill to.

TBH I wouldn't make excuses for him to your cousin. I would just say, 'Sorry DP isn't here, he decided to behave like a spoilt brat at the last minute'

TrillianAstra · 06/07/2011 09:01

Yes there is actually a very small window where children are old enough to read a calendar but young enough that you can't tell them "we're celebrating on Saturday instead". :o

FantasticDay · 06/07/2011 09:01

Wedding over birthday. Definitely.

LIZS · 06/07/2011 09:03

It would be very rude to back out now. If you all travel on his b'day then you stlll have the opportunity to spend the evening together celebrating. His choice really.

cjbartlett · 06/07/2011 09:05

Sounds like he wants to avoid spending too much time with your parents

octopusinabox · 06/07/2011 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness · 06/07/2011 10:07

Wedding, and of course the Reception is a good a place as any to PULL a better BF than this right shower you have there OP! Wink

Grin
JanMorrow · 06/07/2011 10:45

Your cousin will have paid (probably a fair bit of money) for BOTH of you already. It would be outrageously rude of him not to go just because he's can't be arsed.. I'm sorry but what a dick. He needs to grow up, can he not see he's being really selfish? He should be going for your sake if nothing else.

I'm glad you're still going but I feel sorry for you.. If I was your cousin, I'd be really cross too.

fanjobanjowanjo · 06/07/2011 11:23

Kick him in the nuts.

Go to the wedding and have fun. Have a good think about being with this person as he seems selfish and nasty from what you've said.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/07/2011 11:57

OP, could I be nosy and ask you a few questions?

When you said "he does seem to do it for all my families functions... thinking about it, every single one... " - does that affect whether you go to the family function? Does it mean there are some that you choose not to go to because you don't want to go alone? If you go, does it affect your enjoyment of the function; either through wishing he was with you, or getting tired of fielding enquiries after him? And do you think the real reason he does this could be to affect your attendance and/or your enjoyment?

Yes, his comment was bloody nasty.

LaWeasel · 06/07/2011 12:08

He is being extremely rude and disrespectful to you.

Don't put up with it!

ChaoticAngelinLimbo · 06/07/2011 12:20

His comment was rude, nasty and pathetic. Take a good long hard look at this relationship OP.

Sarsaparilllla · 06/07/2011 12:53

I'm just planning my wedding and if someone dropped out 2 weeks before becasue they 'couldn't be bothered' I'd be livid, everything will be booked and paid for, table plans done etc, it's really inconsiderate and childish of him

He's a grown man and should start acting like it, birthdays are kinda irrelevant tbh unless you'd already made specific plans for it, which you haven't, he's being ridiculous

PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 13:01

You are not the one leaving him on his birthday, he is the one chosing not to come with you the day before. It's his choice.

PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 13:03

Sorry just catching up on the thread . . .

He does this every time? Is he trying to stop you from going out, in a sneeky way?

PrettyMeerkat · 06/07/2011 13:06

Ok caught up now.

I would love to arrange something nice just us the day before or after or whatever, his response - I'll spend it with my mum

He is punishing you! It is emotional balckmail as he thinks you won't go if he says that.

This is screaming controlling! Trying to cut you off from your family. Does he do this with your friends?

Inertia · 06/07/2011 13:07

Your partner is being utterly unreasonable. TBH if the pair of you keep pulling out of events that have been carefully planned and paid for, you'll probably find that they'll stop asking you.

Your cousin will be hugely pissed off if you pull out now because your DP is having a strop- so it's his birthday, he must have known when his birthday was when you got the wedding invite! They will have paid up by now- I'd suggest that if he isn't going then he'll need to reimburse your cousin for their costs.

Is he having a toddler tantrum because he isn't going to be centre of attention on his birthday? Diddums! It doesn't bode well for your relationship when the baby arrives- is he going to be this petulant when all your attention is taken up with a demanding newborn?

Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 06/07/2011 13:12

I can't really argue with those of you saying he is controlling - he can be.
But then there are the good parts, which get me through the rough ones. We have split before, and although these days I do keep quiet sometimes to keep the peace, other times I tell him in no uncertain terms that he is being a complete twat and bringing him up short tends to work.

In response to your questions WhereYouLeftIt - it doesn't normally affect it at all - he will probably have a whinge when I get home, and go on about it forever, but I'm too stubborn to let it stop me going :) . Wouldn't bother me if I was 'alone' at all - theres enough of my family who are single, so that doesnt bother me at all. It can be difficult because I know family members will be wondering where he is, whats his problem etc, and the only answer I have is he suffers with depression and sometimes doesn't feel up to meeting new people (I am the same tbh - but I always attend his family functions regardless). DP also knows he will be talked about and seems to 'enjoy' getting angry about it. I don't think the real reason he backs out is to upset me, as it just doesnt. He may want me to feel sorry for him though? I honestly think he is scared of meeting my family. I don't know why - we are friendly, welcoming, kind. He doesn't like my mum, they try to get along but theres tension. Truth be told, I am not that keen on his mum, but I would never in a million years let him think that! I know she will be backing him up on this, he can't do anything wrong in her eyes!

The thing is, once I leave, I know I will get phone call after phone call - random things he doesnt really need to phone about, because he will wish he had come. I suppose if he feels that way he knows where the train station is!

OP posts:
MegMez · 06/07/2011 13:15

Wedding. For real - he'll get a birthday every year. The wedding's a one off.

AKMD · 06/07/2011 13:15

YANBU and I agree with everyone above - he is being incredibly rude and brattish. Shock at his comment to you!

Go to the wedding, meet up with other female relations the night before and have a girls' night in at the hotel. Have a blast on the day and go home and tell you 'D'P all about what fun you had.

Give him socks for his birthday. Sorted.

I know a woman whose husband wouldn't let her attend her own brother's wedding because their daughter was 4 on the same day. He is a controlling, lazy, ignorant man who believes it's his wife's duty to support him. Why they are still married I have no idea.