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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP's birthday or cousin's wedding?

158 replies

MadYoungCatLady · 05/07/2011 18:39

I am due to go to my cousin's wedding in just over 2 weeks.

It is a 4 hour drive so my parents are driving up the day before (DP's birthday) and we get a free lift - otherwise it would be train and I don't think we could afford it.

DP has just decided he doesn't want to go now. He said he is happy to come up by train on the morning of the wedding (ceremony takes place at noon), but it would mean him leaving at about 6am (ferry to catch, train connections etc). I am not prepared to do that - I'll be 21 weeks PG, suffering with terrible back pain, if we miss one connection (theres quite a few) we will miss the ceremony and quite frankly its too bloody expensive. Unless I don't go to the wedding, I won't be with him on his birthday. I asked him how he feels about me going, and got the "Well, I'm sure I'll find something to do" line...

I really want to go to the wedding, but feel like a complete bitch leaving him on his birthday! But I figure my cousin will only get married once (hopefully) and he will have lots more birthdays (hopefully). Should I go or would I be unreasonable?

OP posts:
mummytime · 07/07/2011 06:30

Okay, you actually sound like a lot of posters here. When it drips onto you, slowly slowly, you don't really notice and then it becomes your reality.
First take back control.
Tell him he's not coming now. Tell your cousin (it may be helpful), or if she's likely to be too stressed tell her Mum.
Talk to your parents honestly on the way to and at the wedding. Turn off your phone for the duration (or if you need a phone for your other child give them parents phone number or get a cheap PAYG).
Enjoy the wedding!

If you need someone experienced in this kind of thing to talk to, call Women's aid. This is emotional abuse and very controlling behaviour.

You are 26, you can make a great future for your kids and yourself.

good luck, we are all cheering for you.

TillyIpswitch · 07/07/2011 06:58

"When I told him I was going, he asked why I was going instead of spending his birthday with him."

Ooh, he's a little shit, isn't he?!

You were going to spend it with him, until he changed the plan and backed out!?! Manipulative little turd.

Agree with everyone else - you tell him he's no longer invited, go, have a good time, and then have a long, hard chat about everything when you get back.

He has some serious stepping up to the plate to do.

begonyabampot · 07/07/2011 07:57

or you could show him this thread?

pingu2209 · 07/07/2011 08:07

I think 2 weeks is very short notice for a wedding. You are cancelling 2 places and at what could be over £50 a head, that is a lot of money.

thumbwitch · 07/07/2011 08:13

no non no - never ever show the man the thread. All it does is give them further ammunition against you - along the lines of "so you'd rather believe perfect strangers who know nothing about who I really am, or who you really are, than believe in what we have" and "well you've only told one side of the story haven't you so of course they're going to think badly - you haven't told them about all my good points, have you? I bet it would be a different response if you'd worded it differently" and "Can't even think for yourself, you have to go to a bunch of internet gremlins to think for you, how useless etc. are you?"

Never show the thread in situations like this.

PrettyMeerkat · 07/07/2011 08:22

pingu2209 It wouldn't be cancelling 2 places, it would be 1. She would go without him.

thumbwitch Those responses sound exactly like what my ex would have said! It's rather freaky!

GwendolineMaryLacey · 07/07/2011 08:31

What a pillock. I presume he's going to phone your cousin and explain his absence?

And when he's done that he can Get Knotted. Go up with your parents, don't get him a card or pressie, turn your phone off and have a great time.

He needs a kick up the arse and this is the perfect opportunity to let him know that he's not always the most important thing on the planet.

PrettyMeerkat · 07/07/2011 09:38

I can't imagine him phoning the cousin. He'll get the OP to do it. She has said that he enjoys getting angry that they are all talking about him. I can't imagine him doing something as reasonable and polite as phoning.

mumeeee · 07/07/2011 10:03

You should go to the wedding. Especially as you've RSVP'd an acceptance. 2 weeks before a Wedding is too late to pull out. All the arrangements will have been made and your food will be paid for. When DD1 got married she had finalise numbers with the reception Venue a month before. Your DP is being very childish.

ShoutyHamster · 07/07/2011 10:34

He. Is. A. Twat.

Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 07/07/2011 10:51
OP posts:
Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 07/07/2011 11:02

Sorry I don't want to piss anyone off with my constant updates, very cleansing to hear its not me though.

This morning: my mum says she will apologise for an argument she had with DP a couple of weeks ago. I thought it had all blown over, they had a chat on the phone, it all seemed back to normal.

DP had now said "if she feels she cant apologise, I'm not going at all"
Me: "Well you phone CatLadyCousin and tell her then"
DP: "I'm not phoning, I havent met her, why should I care ?"
Me:

In the next breath, he is insinuating he had decided this morning he was going to go on his birthday.

Im seriously thinking of going home with parents after the wedding.

DP's mum has now turned up. I cant get out of bed due to a bad back. Now I look rude for not going downstairs :(

Thank you everyone, I dont think Ive had support like this before. If this wasnt mumsnet I'd be dishing out hugs to everyone. I don't think anyone can really know how much this thread has helped me, and ultimately, my DC.

OP posts:
Maryz · 07/07/2011 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 07/07/2011 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerHissyness · 07/07/2011 11:42

Take the power back, tell your cousin he isn't going, so that they can reduce numbers.

Tell the idiot he isn't coming at all and that actually you are going to use the time away to consider your relationship. Tell him not to call you for any reason, and make sure your phone is OFF at all times.

You need to find the way to dump him. Seriously, he ain't going to get any better!

ErnesttheBavarian · 07/07/2011 11:55

I agree with last post, although instead of going straight for the dump, you are expecting his child after all, you can use this as a great opportunity to send a strong signl that he must grow up, he must understand what his behaviour is (he might also have not seen a pattern) if you spell it out to him and tell him what you expect him to do differently. I think he at least should be given a chance to fix it. But yes, be strong and firm, go without him and send him a very clear message you will not tolerate it.

anonacfr · 07/07/2011 12:00

I agree you should call his bluff. Don't let him say he will/won't go.
Ask him once and for all if he's going- no 'I'll decide on the day' crap. If he faffs just call your cousin there and then (in front of him). If he gets annoyed/emotionally blackmails you just tell him that you couldn't wait till the actual wedding day to inform your cousin because
a. it would be rude- obviously.
b. they might be able to get the money back for meal/invite someone else.

Then go and as mentioned switch off your mobile.

Have fun!

PrettyMeerkat · 07/07/2011 12:09

Yes take the power back. Say you can't risk him changing his mind every 2 mins, tell cousin he won't be coming. Go to wedding, have fun, then go back to your mums house and think for a while.

Refusing to go to your mums wedding cos he's had a row which had already blown over with your mum. What a twat! It's just excuse after excuse. Attention seeking little twat!

xylophone · 07/07/2011 12:38

MadYoungCatLady, how much does he make your life easier or happier? Do they sufficiently outnumber the times he makes your (and your family's) life argumentative, stressful or embarassing? Does he go out of his way for you as often as you go out of your way for him?

Only you can tell, but the conversations you've reported here make him seem very selfish, which doesn't make for a good partner or father.

ErnesttheBavarian · 07/07/2011 12:50

He has a row with your mum (what about, who was unreasonable? - you don't need to tell us, but think about it) After 2 weeks, she calls to apologise. They chat. He states after he's angry she didn't apologise. Have you spoken to her? Did she, or did she not, or did he just not accept it? Was your mum, afayk out of order? Should she be apologising?

I've been with my dh 20 years. I've never once rowed with his parents or sister or grandparents (and I'd often stay at their house, for a week, without him, so plenty of contact/opportunity!) And he has never rowed with mine.

How do you feel about having a dp who is prepared to bear grudges and have fights with your family. ffs, it was 2 weeks ago. what on earth did she do, forget his birthday? Hmm

willowstar · 07/07/2011 12:54

of course you should go to the wedding! we don't make much fuss about birthdays here except for children...

WhereYouLeftIt · 07/07/2011 21:33

"If this wasnt mumsnet I'd be dishing out hugs to everyone. "

No hugs on MN is a complete myth you know Grin!

Original poster
MadYoungCatLady · 08/07/2011 13:32
OP posts:
hairfullofsnakes · 09/07/2011 05:14

This is frustrating to read as I fear for your dc's brung around such a toxic and immature person like him. Are you really willing to take the situation by the balls and do something about it? People keep telling you you need to - you must think about your children

AKMD · 09/07/2011 08:28

Re. his birthday present - forget the socks, take back the PS3 and BUY A BEN 10 WATCH!! He will love it. Then, the day before the wedding, take him to your nearest Bear Factory and get him to build his own bear, then take him to Pizza Hut and insist that he makes his own ice cream at the ice cream factory. I assure you that this is a six year old's vision of birthday heaven.

...re-enters real world...

I'm glad you're reconsidering your relationship OP. You are only 26 years old, can you imagine spending the next fifty years with this man? Yes, it would be extremely hard to have two young children on your own but it sounds as though you have plenty of family ready to support you if needs be. TBH your parents would probably be relieved.